Make Sure You’re Doing It for the Right Reasons…
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Thinking about getting down on one knee this Valentine’s Day? Are you absolutely sure you’re doing it for the right reasons?
Hunkering down and deciding to pop the big question takes a powerful man. A REAL man.
I remember planning the big day to the very detail. We had our tickets booked for an adventure to the Hawaiian Islands and I knew this was going to be THE textbook opportunity to ask my (then) girlfriend to be my wife.
How could she deny me in paradise, right?!
This big step in your relationship is almost never taken lightly. And if it is, you need to check yourself. You’re either not breathing or you’re a living Buddha!
If you have made these special plans, you’ve met your “match,” and can see the two of you building a future together. The possibilities are endless, as you feel so much more powerful, with your partner in crime by your side.
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In my ten years of coaching Entrepreneurial Power Couples and Power Players, I’ve seen it all.
If you’re a go-getter with high standards, you definitely want this day to be perfect.
But, how do you know you’re ready to be “Mr. Right?”
Whether you’re with your high school sweetheart or you’ve scoured the earth to find your partner, let’s make sure that you’re 100% ready.
All major decisions either come from a place of contraction or expansion.
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All major decisions either come from a place of contraction or expansion – this decision is no different. When coming from a place of contraction, think of a muscle that is made tight, tensing itself and becoming rigid. It’s like it becomes a little ball, protecting itself.
Conversely, when coming from a place of expansion, think of the universe and how it expands to infinity. It never loses its ability to ebb and flow, regardless of the situation at hand.
So, what place are you showing up from? How are you feeling mentally, physically, and emotionally as you approach the big day?
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Let me paint two possible scenarios.
A few years back, I was working with a high caliber couple from Los Angeles through their emotional rollercoaster dynamic.
When everything seemed like it got to a point of calm and stability, I starting hearing talks of a proposal. I’ll call them Ben and Allie.
Ben’s focus was to not lose Allie. He nearly lost her many times before and when things got “better” he wanted to be sure he would never lose her again. So what did he do? He rushed down to the store to put a ring on it.
What place do you think he’s coming from? Contraction or expansion?
That’s right, contraction. He’s coming from a place of fear, a place of protecting from loss.
Now another couple, across the country, spent time growing and checking in with each other to be sure both were on the same page. When I started working with them, they weren’t ready to say “yes” to each other. But after working through their feelings of exhaustion and frustration, they both felt congruent with taking the next steps together.
Popping the question was still a surprise, and they felt even more connected than ever before.
What place did they come from?
Expansion.
Self reflect right now to see what place you’re coming from. If you’re not coming from a place of expansion, you’re in protection mode. If this is you, take a second look at what’s holding you back from expanding. This will set you free and allow for more connection, intimacy, and love.
Remember, you can’t force love.
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Photo by Flickr/Brandon Atkinson
How frightful is it, Jules, that men need to consider entering into marriage with a defensive posture, not looking toward the best, but protecting themselves from the worst? How defeating is it that men need to contract against such as a protective measure, even, as I’ve seen suggested, to hide assets so as to maintain them untouchable should the worst occur? How worrisome is it that men may need to consider if it is right, rather then whether they are Mr. Right. So much work to do, or rather, so much mess to undo. Staggering to the point that it… Read more »
Hey DJ
Great comments. I have a few comments for you as well.
See here: https://youtu.be/suDX3FhluhE
Let me know what comes up for you.
Alain
you are not going unheard, J. Your sentiment is being echoed by a great many young men today, and it is a legitimate concern, not in need of therapy but validation. The first thing that I’d suggest, so as to alleviate some of the frustration that you may be feeling is that validation. Take a read: “Men on Strike”, by Dr. Helen Smith. She is a woman the gets it, does not default to the assumption that there is something “wrong” with men today, but society. You will be nodding in agreement as you read, and you will realize that,… Read more »
Not too keen on the bent knee thing. Its too 50s for me, and I was not about to beg for my wife’s hand, not even in tradition. One big part about having a partner is to make her our partner, not our Disney fantasy. That starts from date one.
Everything else makes perfect sense to me.
I am too afraid of divorce, alimony, and being trapped in a sexless marriage to get married.
What do you suggest?
Your fears are real!!! I think the best way to look at marriage is to think in terms of managing risk. I spent over a decade managing fixed income securities risk (mortgage backed). It all about protecting yourself. You can control the $$$$ costs of divorce and alimony (prenup or make sure you marry a woman who has a career and/or earns more than you). However, you cannot control the sex part. The sex thing is very very high risk. I think a marriage is likely to become sexless way before the divorce. If you really want to know, then… Read more »
Thank you for not deleting my comments. I posted similar things on other stores and they get deleted. I guess other authors only preach to the choir instead of dealing with real feeling, concerns, and pain.
Thank you
Jules thank you for your comment
See my comments here.
See: https://youtu.be/Z00Mj5LYY38
Let me know what comes up for you.
J Walter – you are far from being alone. Jules is absolutely spot on about managing risk, and as you might have guessed that risk goes up as we age. Way up. We as a society and ourselves to some extent – want to idealize marriage as a ‘bond of love’ that conquers all. The problem is a recipe isn’t made of just one ingredient. It’s made of many – but not too many (lest it tastes like muddled crap). The others are: how well do we manage our finances, how are we with kids (do we even want them),… Read more »
Hi MJP
Thank you for response.
In response to you: https://youtu.be/BqzNk6ubgUw
What comes up for you?
Thank you for your question J Walter
Here is an in depth suggestion for you, a far more detailed response than I could have given through text alone.
See: https://youtu.be/Z00Mj5LYY38
Let me know what comes up for you.
see from 4:40 Jules