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There sure are a lot of articles out there about love—how to find love, how to keep love, how to know if you are still in love, and can this relationship be saved?
It seems to be the general consensus of said articles that we are all desperately looking for love (sometimes in all the wrong places) and that once we find love are desperate to keep it.
But I think a big topic that gets overlooked time and time again is actually the most common malady: our RESISTANCE to love, whether we are looking for it, in it or falling out of it.
I have to chuckle when I see these “How to Know if He/She is the One” type pieces, or better yet “How to Know If Your Love is Real” because it makes me wonder if the author has ever actually BEEN in love or if they surmise it is some kind of recipe we can cook up perfectly if we just buy the right ingredients and follow the instructions.
Here is what I know about love: it is an INVOLUNTARY reaction. It is not something you can control or apply logic to; there is good reason we call it “falling” for someone, because you could no sooner stop yourself than prevent your descent once you went over a cliff.
Let me give you a quick and handy guide as to whether or not you are “in love” with someone: IF YOU HAVE TO ASK THE QUESTION, YOU ARE NOT.
Seriously, all of those sorts of articles should be one sentence long. The question as to whether or not the person you are in love with is “the one” is much trickier; but all those handy checklists about respect and communication, etc. make the general point that if you are not both evolved enough to be in it for the joy of open-hearted connection, there will be obstacles for sure.
As much as we think we want to be in love, our resistance is a much greater barrier than the problem of finding a willing partner.
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“The course of true love never did run smooth” is a bit of Shakespearean wisdom we can all take to heart, because when we fall in love we do tend to start throwing up walls to counteract that awful, aching vulnerability we feel.
Love exposes us, and exposure is a raw feeling we are very unaccustomed to, pretty pictures on social media be damned. Love requires we put it all on the table; the good, the bad and the ugly. If we hold back even one bit, then we set ourselves up for short term success and long term failure. The fear, of course, is that our vulnerability will lead to short term failure when our beloved decides our flaws make us unworthy.
But isn’t that an answer unto itself? The “love” you lose by being yourself was never really love at all. The love you hold onto by distorting who you are or what you want is hardly a prize worth keeping.
I had a friend who used to say “You can’t pick who you fall in love with” and frankly, at the time, I interpreted this as an excuse for her terrible taste in men. But now I understand this wisdom—love is not a choice.
You can’t help who you love and who you don’t.
The only “choice” is whether or not you demonstrate that love and how.
And this is where that resistance comes in, because we all like to think of ourselves as being “in control”; it is our need for control that is the biggest destroyer of relationships going. The vulnerability of love is terrifying and often causes an overcorrection of shut down; most people I know have gotten themselves involved with someone who withholds affection, attention, and/ or approval even while they are proclaiming feelings of “love.” This classic dynamic keeps the other “on the line,” hoping for a breakthrough that may never come; yes, our desire for love is strong, but our resistance is often stronger.
Douglas Yates says “People who are sensible about love are not capable of it” and I think this is a good description of how we justify our resistance to falling and being in love. We make checklists and rules and decisions often before we have ever even met someone; this sets them (and us) up for failure walking in the door. You are essentially asking someone to conform to a standard they a) did not agree to and b) know nothing about.
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Here are some of the ways we resist love with our “sensible” rules:
- I would never date someone who doesn’t conform to my idea of physical attractiveness
- I won’t date anyone who is divorced
- Or who has kids
- Or who doesn’t have a job and salary that I approve of
- I don’t date outside of my race
- or religion
- or social strata . . and the list can go on.
Unfortunately, the advent of online dating sites has made it entirely too easy to dismiss someone instantly for any perceived infraction against your sensible standards.
Even once you have engaged in a relationship resistance can remain high and YES, it often masquerades as the voice of “reason.” Oh, this will never work out because she still has to finish her degree/is too enmeshed with her family/doesn’t like football/sleeps on the wrong side of the bed. Seriously, we are masters at talking ourselves out of a situation before it ever has a chance to root and bloom.
“The one that got away” is a cliché that just as often applies to “the one I pushed away/chased off”. It is a classic rookie mistake that most everybody makes at least once. The question you need to ask yourself if you still find yourself seeking for love is has this become my pattern?
Am I looking for a match or am I deliberately choosing to be a mismatch?
When you are sincerely looking for a partner you need to forget all the ideas you had in your head of what Prince (or Princess) Charming would be like—true love is a tsunami that destroys all reason and rationality in its path.
And yes, it is as scary as it sounds. And as powerful. And as beautiful.
But you have to be prepared for the scary part too, not just the rainbows and butterflies. You have to let love crack you wide open; even if it does not last, you will be primed for an even greater experience of intimacy the next time.
And yes, when you are open to love, there is ALWAYS a next time.
As Rumi wrote, “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
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Photo: Shutterstock
But some of those sensible rules actually are sensible. For example, one of my rules is that I don’t date men with kids. I’ve learned from experience that it is simply incompatible with my lifestyle and what I want out of my life. That rule is in place for a reason; why would I date and potentially fall in love with someone, when that is diametrically opposed to the outcome I want? Because then if I fall in love with a single dad, there are two possible outcomes: 1) I eventually have to end the relationship, because continuing the relationship… Read more »