As human beings, we crave connection. We are social animals, not meant to live alone inside a vacuum. The people in our lives shape our experiences, the way we view ourselves, and the way that we view the world.
Look at how many relationship advice forums, dating apps and dating shows are out there. It just goes to show how much we are all looking for love to make our lives feel meaningful and complete.
But relationships are more than just finding a partner. We have meaningful relationships with family, friends and co-workers too. There are people that we share moments with that change our lives. As we walk through life with different people, they change us.
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Lately, I have been watching a bunch of reality TV dating shows on Netflix to get an escape from life, and I love watching all the couples fall in love and get married. When they split up, I hurt for them too. I know from my own experiences how much it can hurt when love doesn’t go the way that you want it to.
We expect falling in love to complete and fulfill us. But sometimes it doesn’t turn out the way that we plan. People change, they fall out of love, they cheat, they can’t commit, or they just weren’t the people that we thought that they were in the beginning.
After falling in love with a narcissist in a previous relationship, I know just how much disillusionment can set in when your relationship turns out to be anything but what you thought. I know how much it breaks your heart to go through a divorce when you thought that marriage was meant to last forever.
On these dating shows, sometimes people go into it with a list or picture in their mind of what the perfect partner looks like. They think of all the qualities that they are looking for in a partner, and the person that they want to share the rest of their lives with.
In “real life” often we are less intentional. We meet people when we aren’t looking. We meet people when it’s messy. We meet people and fall in love before we know if we really have compatible lifestyles. That is where all the relationship woes come from.
Another thing is, we jump into “lifetime” relationships in our 20’s, without knowing what different people we are going to be at 30 or 40 years old. We don’t know how much we are going to change ourselves, or how much our partners are going to change. Sometimes, two people can change and grow together, but sometimes you grow in separate directions.
Sometimes, things happen, and it turns out to be a deal breaker in the relationship. You may not even know that something would be a deal breaker before it happened either. Just in that moment, you know that you can’t compromise yourself and your values any longer. You just know, something has happened to break the relationship beyond repair.
So, how do you know when love is worth fighting for, or when you should walk away? The answer to that is going to be different for every person, and for every relationship. For some people, cheating is a deal breaker, but for others it is something that can be worked past.
As we are going through the happiness and turmoil that is our romantic relationships, there are also the friends and family who help to keep us grounded. They can give us reality checks because they have an outside perspective on our relationships, and they know us as people independent of the relationship.
Often, friends or family can give us the advice that we need to be able to decide if we can put our relationships back together, or if it is time to move on. Having that support makes a big difference, and knowing that there are people who are in your corner no matter what.
When I watch these dating shows, they have the “meet the parents” and the “meet the friends” moments, where you can see the significant people in their lives sizing up the potential life partners. Often, people will seek advice from friends and family before deciding to get married.
In some cases, a man will ask a woman’s father for permission before proposing. I know that my ex had the “meet the parents” moment and actually got on oddly well with my dad for how badly our relationship went later on. First impressions don’t always tell it all, and your friends and family might not see red flags in the relationship either.
We all want love. We all want that fairytale perfect partner. But that isn’t what life delivers. Love isn’t enough to make or break a relationship, no matter how much we think that it is. There are other values that make a relationship what it is. There is the matter of compatible lifestyles. There is communication.
So, when we struggle in a relationship we have to decide, is love worth fighting for? Or, is it time to honor ourselves and walk away? Sometimes, the answer is anything but clear cut, and it will be different for each one of us every day.
Love isn’t just a feeling. It is a choice, it is a commitment that we make to ourselves and our partners each and every day. Love is a decision to stay and face whatever happens together, to trust, and to overcome life’s struggles together.
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Relationships change us
Who we are, and the roles that we play in each relationship may be different. I don’t always act the same way with my friends as I do with my partner or with my kids. Sometimes, things are lighthearted. Sometimes things are serious.
With each relationship, we each have a different history. We have a different level of honesty, trust and self-disclosure. We may be able to open up and say different things that are on our minds to a best friend than we would an acquantance from work or school.
I have a best friend that I have known since I was five. When I am with her, I know that I can be 100% myself at my best or at my worst. I know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, she is still going to be my friend and have my back.
Over the years, we have learned a lot from each other. We have gone through different experiences and phases together. She has shaped my taste in music for years, and opened me up to new bands I would never have heard otherwise.
Other times, depending on the type of relationship, we may feel like we have to censor ourselves or hold a part of ourselves back.
On the far end of the spectrum, there are people who ask us to change ourselves in order to be with them. I have been in several relationships like that, and in the long run it didn’t work out and was extremely hurtful for me. I didn’t like the person that I became. I had to water down who I was to be in the relationship.
Being asked to change is different than being inspired to grow. Change should always come from within. Whether it is something like changing your hair, or changing your values, when someone asks you to change that is someone who doesn’t belong in your life. They are asking you to be less authentic and less yourself in order to be with them. It never ends well.
Whether it is a friendship, family or relationship, the people in your circle should help you to be your best self, and not ask you to be less than what you are.
Relationships can change us either in a positive or negative light. If you are with someone who is making you change in a way that you don’t like, or if you don’t like the person you are with them, then that is a major red flag. You shouldn’t be with someone else if it is hurting you to do so.
Being in a relationship is meant to help you and make you stronger. If it doesn’t do that, then you have to question if the relationship belongs in your life. People who truly care about each other want the best for each other, and help to bring out the best in each other.
Always be with someone who helps you to be your best self.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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