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Editor’s note: The following is part of a series called Untold Stories of Resilience: Stories of recovery from sexual assault and eating disorders, a photojournalism project by Deryne Keretic.
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Q: Tell me about the first time you were aware of your body’s shape, size, or appearance.
Shikema: I️ was aware very early on. I’d say first or second grade because I️ started to develop early. By second grade I️ was already wearing a B-cup bra. Very very early. I️ noticed that I️ was wearing a bra and my friends weren’t. It was very uncomfortable because the teachers were taking notice. I was always a slim girl but when I was young the teachers thought my breasts were baby fat. I️ remember one of my teachers keeping me back before lunch and actually saying: “I️ thought that was baby fat but I️ realized you have breasts.” In second grade. I was mortified and it was inappropriate. I️ knew that I️ had them but my friends hadn’t acknowledged them at that point. When the adults acknowledged them I was aware that other people were aware. I was super uncomfortable. I️ did dance and I️ had a lot of leotards so I️ started wearing the tightest leotard I️ could find to try to flatten myself out. I did that until sixth grade when my other friends started to develop and I️ said: “Ok, they’re not looking at me anymore. I️ can take this thing off now.” It happened very early for me. I️ wasn’t comfortable with my body for a long time for that reason.
Q: What about more recently (maybe within the last year). When was the last time you remember being aware of your body’s shape, size, composition?
Shikema: It fluctuates. Right now I’m at my heaviest at 160 lbs. Typically I’m between 125 lbs and 140 lbs. I’m not happy to be 160 lbs but I’m not in that place I️ would’ve been in four or five years ago where I️ would’ve been trying to starve myself. I️ went through the whole bulimia and anorexia phase. Now I️ do Zumba, I️ do stretch, I️ do swing dance. I️ say: “Alright, I’m not at the weight I️ want to be but I’m not disgusted when I️ look in the mirror and I’m healthy. I️ can run up a flight of stairs and be OK.” I️ have days where I️ find myself in a slump and I️ get to a point where I️ say: “I️ don’t want to eat because working out is not doing it, eating right is not doing it, so maybe if I️ go back into starvation mode I’ll drop the weight.” But those moments are far and few.
Q: Tell me about a time you were proud of your body.
Shikema: Probably when I️ was a comfortable weight. Not necessarily the weight that I️ wanted to be but where I️ was comfortable, my clothes fit properly, and I️ guess I️ felt I️ looked good. I️ was toned enough and not flabby. I️ didn’t have the Janet Jackson six-pack but I️ was comfortable. I️ was healthy. I️ didn’t mind looking at myself in the mirror. I’d catch my reflection and stop for a while to think: “Wow, that’s me.”
Q: How has your relationship with your body been impacted by surviving your trauma?
Shikema: In the past, it wasn’t a great relationship. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia. I️ worked out like a madwoman three times a day. The eating disorder stemmed from my trauma. It was the only thing I️ felt I️ had control over. It felt like: “You can’t force me to eat and even if I️ do eat you can’t make me keep it down.” It was the one thing I️ had absolute 100% control over. Then sometimes it became this contest with myself like: “How long can I️ go without eating? Can I️ not eat or drink? I️ know that my body can only go so long without water but let’s see how far I️ can push the limit.” Those things actually kept my mind off of everything else. I️ was so engrossed in it that I️ didn’t think about anything else until somebody would point out I️ was getting too thin and bring attention to the fact that I’m not eating the way I’m supposed to or I’m working out three or four times a day.
Q: What do you wish the public knew about sexual violence and eating disorders?
Shikema: That’s a question I️ don’t think I’ve ever thought about. What I️ will say as an African-American woman is that I️ wish people knew it’s a real illness. I️ remember when someone pointed out to my parents that I️ wasn’t eating and my mom made a comment that: “Black folks don’t do that. She’s not anorexic cause black folks don’t do that.” But yes, we do. Last time I️ checked we’re human. It’s common in our culture that we sweep a lot of things under the rug. There’s just this assumption along with the stigma that sexual abuse is something you just don’t talk about. One of my family members made a comment: “It happened to all of us, get over it.” Almost as if it’s a right of passage, so the two things connected culturally. It’s just things you don’t talk about or say it doesn’t happen. It’s extremely dangerous. I️ want the public to know that it touches everybody. It doesn’t matter what race or religion you are, it’s something that affects all of us and it’s something that we need to keep our eyes open for.
Q: What would you like to communicate to someone who might be experiencing something similar? Do you have any advice?
Shikema: I️ would say that the healing begins when someone bears witness. By keeping it to yourself you’re never going to heal. For me, every time I️ speak about it I️ take back another piece of myself. Even though you feel like: “It’s just me and nobody’s going to understand it”, you’ll be surprised how many people you liberate when you tell your story. There are so many people who sit right next to you every day with a hidden story of their own, but as soon as you tell your story, you give them permission to tell theirs. That’s what I️ would tell someone struggling: Don’t keep it to yourself. You don’t realize it and it’s a nerve-wracking thing when you’re embarrassed to talk about it, but once you start talking and you feel the weight physically lift off of you, you think: “OK, I️ can do this. I’m still alive.”
Q: Is there anything else you want to share? There’s room for you to share your story or any other points you want to discuss.
Shikema: Well, I️ have several different stories. My abuse started when I️ was four and continued until I️ was 21. Family members, friends of the family, etc. When I️ was 12 I️ ended up in a relationship with someone who was 27. 15 years older than me. He put a stop to the other people who were abusing me but then he became the abuser. At that time I️ didn’t see it that way, I️ just saw him as the saviour.
Q: Do you think your assaults were swept under the rug with your family because it was happening from family members or were they not aware?
Shikema: Initially I️ don’t think they were aware, but my mom was sick. She was on dialysis and she abused drugs. My father was in and out of jail because of drugs. My grandmother was in her own world, so it was really easy. I️ was that perfect prey. As an adult now I understand that the guy I️ was in a relationship with then groomed me. He realized that nobody else was paying attention. He was a friend of the family who realized nobody was paying attention so he would play checkers with me, play video games with me, play basketball with me, etc. Before I️ knew it he was holding my hand, next thing I️ knew we were kissing. He was very handsome so as a little girl with a crush I just went along with it even though he was very calculated.
As I️ got older there was that pull – I️ knew it was wrong but I thought: “If I️ don’t hold on to this, it opens up the door for the others to come back so I choose the devil I know.” It’s the lesser of two evils. Even though this whole relationship was wrong, I had someone who actually took care of me instead of going back to not knowing who may abuse me the next day. That relationship went on for eight years. My mom passed away in 2001 and in 2002 I️ broke up with him. That was the moment where I️ thought: “I️ have to get out of this. I️ can’t do this anymore.” It went on for a very long time – my formative years. Even as an adult now (I️ was 21 when I️ broke up with him and I’m 35 now) I️ still hear him when I️ speak. I’ll say: “Oh my gosh, that’s him.” But when you’re growing and you’re learning and this is the person you’re growing and learning from, instead of my parents I hear him in myself and I try to break it but it’s a hard thing to break.
Then I was date raped when I was 24 and I reported it and it did not go well. The reporting was worse than the assault. God forbid it were to ever happen again, but if I had to do it over again I wouldn’t report. I don’t want to discourage other people who are reporting but after my experience I wouldn’t do it again. That was a turning point for me. At that point I realized that even though you’re never to blame for someone else’s actions, I personally put myself in certain situations where I had to take responsibility for my actions. I invited this man over and even though I said “no” and he should’ve understood that, I knew he had been drinking. I knew that he wanted to be more than just friends no matter how many times I told him we were just friends. I understand that when you’re drinking your inhibitions are lowered. Even though it’s his fault, not mine (and I clearly understand that), if I had to do it again I wouldn’t let him come over knowing that he had been drinking and wanting more than just friendship. That was a turning point for me.
I write in a journal and I’ve always written in a journal. I decided that I was going to publish the journal into a book, so I published my first book in 2012 titled “Silent Tears: Inside the Soul of an Abused Child”. It tells my story and that’s when I joined RAINN. I go and I speak about the book and everything in the book and everything that’s happened. With RAINN sometimes you can just speak on whatever it is you feel like speaking on and sometimes they have a specific point of view they want you to discuss. The book has been very therapeutic for me and for those who’ve read it, so it’s been an interesting journey. Bittersweet – it’s one that I’m glad to be a part of but one that I’m also sad I had to be a part of.
Q: Did your eating disorder begin after the assaults?
Shikema: My eating disorder began when I was 13. From middle school until the end of high school I went from 140 lbs down to 110 lbs. Maybe less.
Q: How did you stop? Did someone help you?
Shikema: I just found myself being happy. There was no exact moment where I knew I needed help to get out of it, it was more just me being in a happy place so I would eat a little more. I was still very conscious because at one point it did become more about keeping the weight off than the control. I would eat a little bit more but I was very aware of how much I was eating. I thought: “I can eat but if my weight gets to this point I have to stop. 125 lbs is the maximum, I cannot go beyond that.” I would scale back and then I would find myself back in that cycle of not eating and then it became a conscious decision of: “OK, this is not healthy. You were doing this because you didn’t have control over anything else but you have control now so that’s where your energy has to go.” I just became immersed in school – I became a professional student. I have six college degrees. I thought: “If I’m so focused on this I won’t have time to think about anything else.” I went from one addiction to another, but it was an unhealthy one to a healthy one. So it wasn’t one single moment, it was a gradual ending. Then I got too happy and went back up to 160 lbs.
Q: Is there anything else you want to add?
Shikema: Remember that it’s never your fault and it’s not your shame to carry. Find a way to release the burden because it doesn’t belong to you. And speak about it. It is definitely freeing to speak about it. Have faith. Whether you’re religious or not, find something you believe in and put your passion into that because it’s healing. It really is. It massages the soul to find something that really makes you smile and to put your all into that. I come from Long Island to the Upper West Side for Zumba because the class is just that great. The people are great, the instructor is awesome, and it’s just another something to free my mind. Even though it’s been a long time since I was assaulted, of course, I still have those moments where it creeps into my mind. Every now and then, unfortunately, I run into one of my abusers and sometimes it sparks this feeling but sometimes I have the strength to walk right by. I come out here and I work out and it feels like this weight is gone. Definitely, find something that makes you smile and put your energy into that. I’m a teacher. This year I teach fifth and sixth grade and I teach special education. I have two grades in one classroom so it’s definitely crazy but it’s another thing that makes me smile. I love it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Even though it’s not where I started – I wanted to be a music producer and audio engineer so that is my first degree, but I can’t see myself doing anything other than what I do now.
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This post was originally published on the author’s Tumblr and is republished here with her permission.
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Photo Credit: Deryne Keretic