I’ve recently found myself pondering this whole notion of micro-cheating as it relates to my own personal journey. If you’ve read some of my more recent articles, then you know that I have been struggling with being in a sexless marriage for quite a few years now. This all came to a head earlier this week when my wife and I finally had a long discussion about the state of intimacy in our marriage.
I had hoped the conversation wouldn’t become confrontational and it did end amicably but what I discovered throughout the course of the 2-hour chat was that my wife simply doesn’t place importance on sex any longer. She said it’s not that she dislikes sex and it’s not that she doesn’t still find me attractive but it’s just not something she finds important or seeks out.
The whole issue is also somewhat complicated because my wife suffers from a disease that requires a lot of daily medications that leave her physically exhausted most nights and it’s most likely contributed to her having a greatly reduced libido. While that perhaps provides a diagnosis for the issue — I fear there may be no cure. We briefly discussed counseling, but she doesn’t feel that will offer anything other than maybe helping me learn to cope with this new reality.
I love my wife. After 3 decades together we are the best of friends, but I can’t help but feel lonely. I miss her smell, her touch, her taste. I hate climbing into bed each and every night with someone I know doesn’t want to hold me any longer. I get frustrated, angry, heartbroken and then feel tremendous guilt because I know that this is not something, she may even have control over. The lonelier that I become, the more risks I have started to take to fill the void that’s missing from my marriage.
In the past month I have messed around with online dating apps (just browsing), started sharing personal information about myself with some online female acquaintances and engaged in a good deal of on-line flirting. For the first time in my life, I posted intimate photos of myself online looking for women to comment and I have offered up many comments to others — sometimes staying up late at night doing so hoping maybe one of these ladies will start interacting with me. I find myself daydreaming of having an intimate encounter with some of these women that I have been chatting with online.
I just want someone to want me again and I worry that if my current situation is destined not to change — how far will I be willing to take this? My wife and I have a good marriage if you take sex out of the equation. We share the same core values, have a great partnership raising our children and generally just enjoy each other’s company. I feel so guilty about what I am doing but at the same time I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage not feeling to sensual touch of woman.
I never thought that I would ever consider infidelity and that’s not something that I am actively seeking out, but it has gotten to the point where I wonder what would happen if someone approached me……have all these forms of micro-cheating been conditioning me for something bigger. Is this all leading me down a path to infidelity? I guess that’s a question that can only be answered over time.
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A version of this post was previously published on Medium and is republished here with permission from the author.
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