The evidence is in, and things don’t look too rosy for the jolly man in red
Parents and guardians throughout at least the Western world, shut off your Nanny cams, delete your keystroke computer spywares, stop threatening to cut off yummy desserts and imposing time outs and earlier bed times, for ‘tis the season for Santa Clause (a.k.a. Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Old Saint Nick, and simply Santa) to enforce discipline upon hitherto allegedly unruly and naughty youth! — far before George Orwell conceived the world of “Big Brother.”
Yes, Santa Clause: that portly (too many cookies and brownies eaten along his travels) white-bearded figure who lives at the North Pole with Ms (though I think she prefers “Mrs.”) Clause – even though I’ve never actually seen any wedding photos or etchings of their ceremony.
Santa Clause: who makes Christmas toys with his joyous and merry (well, at least in front of the cameras) elf employees in their busy and active workshop. (I hope he’s paying far in excess of the minimum wage and is recycling all wasted materials!)
Santa Clause: who makes lists of those who are naughty and nice (though determining who fits into each category is totally subjective; for those determined “naughty” by Santa might be seen as “nice” – and vice versa – by others. Santa is oblivious to the fact that it is often productive and beneficial to break unwise or unnecessary rules, especially when adults inflict such rules simply to control young people.)
Santa Clause: that generous old man who seems never to have been born and in all likelihood will never die. (I must ask him how he avoids arthritis developing on those old bones. I wonder if he’s ever incontinent or ever uses laxatives.)
Santa Clause: dressed in his (tasteless) red and white felt suit (I have a designer to recommend), with wide black belt (karate master?) and high black (kinky) boots as he delivers toys on Christmas Eve (how does he fit toys for all those kazillion Christian youth in one cloth bag? And how does he remain so clean and tidy squeezing down all those filthy grimy chimneys? Hey, how does he squeeze down those chimneys at all? I never got that! And why is he never detected by the human eye and only by the bio sonar systems of bats and radar systems of alert meteorologists who have made their careers by forecasting Santa’s arrival schedule? And most of all, why hasn’t there been widespread revolt by capitalist toy manufacturers protesting Santa’s virtual monopoly on the global toy market depriving them of the massive profits they could have otherwise garnered?)
Santa Clause, who travels on his speedy (multiple times that of light) reindeer-powered (animal abuse?) sleigh (how can wingless reindeer actually fly in contradiction to laws of physics and theories of animal evolution?) to excited (to the point of having “accidents” in their one-piece pajamas) expectant young people around the globe.
Oh, and by the way: why have you so commercialized a holy holiday in Christendom to the point of absurdist parody in the service of an insatiable Capitalist economic system?
Oh, the joy of it all? Just askin’.
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