Lori Heffelfinger thinks that business leaders need to hold themselves to higher standards of communication.
—
I was chasing my brother and husband down the ski slope and before I knew it, I hit ice and then slushy snow and came to a dead stop, but not until my arm had smacked against the slope and broken the bone. I was in shock and didn’t know it – I only knew I couldn’t ski down the hill by myself. My brother and husband took off their skis and came back up the hill to wait for the ski patrol to carry me down the slope. Now that’s only part of the story – the real story happens in the Emergency Room where I waited for the doctor to determine what to do with my broken arm. Now my shock had worn off a bit and I was in intense pain – bone pain can be excruciating. And the doctor was taking forever to see me. Meanwhile, my brother and my husband proceeded to tell jokes to distract me from my pain. It actually worked, sort of, and I know in that moment, I was loved by these two men. And I knew had any of my women friends been present, they wouldn’t have been telling jokes at my expense, but rather they would have been verbally reassuring me and collaboratively feeling sorry for me and with me. That would have been ok as well. In this case, humor and perhaps even a bit of sarcasm was most welcome. And I was with the two men in my life, whom I love and trust the most.
That was many years ago. Now fast forward to last week – where I’m attending a conference in San Diego sponsored by an organization I highly valued. The leaders of this organization were doing the opening presentations to the conference and setting context for audience. The VP of Sales opened the conference brilliantly and then was followed by her boss, the General Manager of the business. The VP of Sales had lightly alluded to a difference in perspective between her and her boss (this was done lightly) but ended her introduction of him by talking about his strengths. Her boss, on the other hand, picked up on her theme of differences and proceeded to explain in great detail how different they were and how his presentation was not what she would have wanted or written for him. At first, I thought it was a joke, but then I looked over at her – she looked embarrassed. But he continued on and then started berating (my interpretation) other people in the audience (he referenced negative feedback he had gotten from conference attendees last year, etc.) Honestly, I think he thought he was being funny and light hearted and perhaps he was. I think it’s quite possible he highly respects his VP of Sales, but I’m not sure – it wasn’t clear from his presentation if he respected her or despised her. I was looking around the room to see if anyone else was laughing or found his comments funny. I couldn’t tell. No one was laughing or even smiling (and yet it was a group of about 450 people). My husband sitting next to me thought the beginning of his presentation was inappropriate. There were also many international folks in the audience. At lunch, I talked to one of them (A Frenchman who lives and works across Europe) and he said: “I didn’t understand what he was saying” – the whole repertoire had been completely missed by him. He did understand the rest of the presentation though – just not the introductory sarcastic comments.
♦◊♦
While many of us appreciate sarcasm, it can be inappropriate for a leader to engage in sarcasm with, about, and in front of his/her team. And while that may seem to take all the fun out of work, it also can damage relationships with employees and others whom the leader wants to have good working relationships with. So it’s important to know your audience before you engage in sarcasm or even what might be considered questionable humor. Some of my colleagues suggest never using sarcasm in the workplace. I personally am married to a very witty man (who most of the time, uses sarcasm appropriately) and many of clients are similar, so I appreciate sarcasm when it’s well-meaning and light-hearted humor. However, I tell my clients not to engage in sarcasm with their staff or in large groups because one never knows how it will be taken – one never knows who is in the audience, really.
Leaders are highly visible and therefore more closely listened to and observed by their staff, those lower in the organization, and others who may not have a close relationship with them.
Employees pay attention to leaders for clues on where the organization is going and where they stand with that leader and the organization. They know or may feel that the leader has their career in their hands. Therefore leaders, like politicians, need to pay close attention to what they are saying and doing. Personally, I’m also finding as I get older, that folks I am mentoring are hanging onto my words much more literally than I ever intended because they are quoting me later in way I never intended. Like my clients, I am also realizing I need to be more intentional and aware of how my words might be interpreted or misinterpreted.
Many of you may be wondering just what sarcasm is exactly and when does good-natured
humor become inappropriate?
According to Wikipedia: Sarcasm is “a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter gibe or taunt.” “The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal inflections.” The sarcastic content of a statement will be dependent upon the context in which it appears. The word comes from the Greek σαρκασμός (sarkasmos) which is taken from σαρκάζειν meaning “to tear flesh, bite the lip in rage, sneer.”
Ouch – I didn’t know the origin of the word mean to “tear flesh” – that would explain why it’s not appropriate. But the other key point is that it is manifested by chiefly by voice inflections and so this is why can be confusing to those listening, as you would have to understand the intention behind the voice inflection. Unless you know the person well, it can be hard to tell if they literally mean what they are saying or if they are teasing or both. And not everyone is comfortable enough to ask you what you mean, especially when you are the leader.
Sometimes we are just having fun, but sometimes we really are trying to make an offensive statement, but doing it in an indirect or polite way. If the intent is to “taunt” or “send an indirect message”, it can really “sting” the intended receiver of the message and those who are listening. When the speaker is a leader, the message is magnified and can sting even worse. That’s a worst case scenario. The best case scenario is that the leader is engaging in a light-hearted conversation and everyone knows his/her intention is to have well-meaning fun. But again, as a leader you never know, truly if everyone is having fun or even gets your joke, because people lower in the hierarchical chain may not be open with you. The staff member, who is the recipient of the sarcastic comment, doesn’t know whether or not they should join in and say something equally sarcastic, defend themselves, change the subject, or look for another job.
♦◊♦
As leaders in organizations, we must hold ourselves to a higher standard, knowing that at anytime we could be misinterpreted or misunderstood. As leaders we are “on stage” at all times, whether we like it or not, others are always watching what we do, what we say or don’t say and inferring all sorts of things about us and what that means for others. And employees are doing this mostly for self-protection and survival. And frankly, I also tell my executive clients to pay attention to their bosses and the organizational dynamics around them so they can anticipate the changes they need to make personally, professionally and organizationally.
Photo credit: Flickr/Brad Montgomery