The relationship experts at The Good Men Project have some great tips for guys on how to keep your woman happy.
It’s the start of a new month, and I haven’t written a relationships post in a while, so I decided to poll my fellow Good Men Project writers and collect their best relationship advice. I’ll admit I wouldn’t have thought of some of these gems myself, but all seven are unequivocally brilliant and guaranteed to shift your relationship dynamic 180 degrees. So give these a try. The results will be game-changing.
1. Stop talking. Talking is overrated. Talk long enough with your partner and you’ll just end up fighting with her anyway. So keep your mouth shut, because silent, passive-aggressive communication is the new relationship skill—and women love it. Use hand signals, terse notes, body language and expressions—eye rolls and grimaces are great substitutes for expressing your feelings—or best of all, telepathy to communicate with your partner. Think of all the words you’ll never have to take back and all the unpleasant arguments you’ll avoid. This move alone could turn your relationship around completely.
2. Stop listening. The truth is, if you keep paying attention and responding to a woman’s emotional needs, she’ll just keep expressing them to you, and you’ll create an endless stream of work for yourself. The easiest way to stop listening, unless your partner has already stopped talking (see above), is to get a pair of earplugs so you actually don’t hear anything your partner says. Just shake your head with a mystified expression and politely say, “I can’t hear you.” If she starts shouting, you might want to invest in a pair of noise-canceling headphones so you can crank up your favorite playlist.
3. Stop being present. In so many couples, one partner complains about a lack of intimacy because the other is sometimes present and sometimes distant. It’s that tantalizing taste of closeness that sets up the bitter disappointment when you zone out watching sports, playing violent video games, or binging on an HBO series. So just dispense with connection altogether, and you’ll never have to suffer that awful feeling of your woman being disappointed in you and complaining that you’re never there even when you’re home. This one is brilliantly simple, isn’t it?
4. Stop worrying about her sexual pleasure. Let’s face it. When it comes to the bedroom, most of us guys are just fumbling in the dark, playing Marco Polo with the impossible-to-find pleasure zone. But she knows exactly where it is, so ease off and let her handle it. That way, you’re guaranteed of success without having to try. As Dirty Harry said, “A man’s just got to know his limitations.” Your equipment, on the other hand, is plainly visible and easy to manipulate, so there’s no reason for her to stop satisfying you. This way, everybody’s happy.
5. Avoid counseling and therapy. If you go to counseling or therapy, you might start to learn things about yourself and how you relate to your partner. If this happens, you might have to start trying to change things, because enlightenment is worthless without action. You might even have to wrestle with old baggage and make the effort to gain some emotional maturity. All of this is really, really hard work, and you work hard enough already. By avoiding this work, you can stay comfortably stuck in the same dysfunctional patterns, repeat the same lines you know by heart when you argue, and never have to experience the frustrating pain of growth.
6. Start flirting with other women. We all know that complacency can lead to all sorts of relationship problems, and there’s no better way to remind your partner that she’s replaceable than flirting aggressively with every attractive woman you meet. This simple action keeps your partner on her toes by letting her know you could be swimming with one—or more—of the other fish in the sea. If you can make her feel insecure about your attraction and commitment, she’ll work that much harder to keep you, allowing you to sit back and relax while she makes all the effort and you have all the fun.
7. Criticize her body regularly. If you want your woman to stay in shape, you have to give her an incentive. Telling her you love her and find her beautiful all the time, even if she’s stopped working out or gained a few pounds, gives her free license to let herself go. At the first sign of imperfection, by all means say something, or if you’ve stopped talking (see #1 above), stare disapprovingly at any areas of her body you’d like her to improve. Don’t make things easier for her by springing for a gym membership or cooking healthy meals. When it comes to exercise, you can’t be soft. No pain no gain.
8. Stop believing everything you read in relationship advice articles. If you hadn’t figured it out by now—April Fools!