I have single friends who are navigating the shoals of love and lust in the Age of Covid. It’s tricky, yet they persist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
One, in her 20s, goes to parties and picks up men. She’s a healthy young woman so her odds of dying even if she gets the novel coronavirus are slim. Fortunately I’ve stuck to video chats and social media to stay in touch with her since the lockdowns began.
Another friend, in her 40s, is wiser. She has met a couple of men in the last few months, but she moves slowly. She’ll Facetime with them and get to know them. Investigate their commitment to safety before she’ll do an in-person meeting. Even then, no touching for a while.
She asks them questions, because she wants to keep herself safe.
And that works really well, except when they lie to her.
Which one of them recently did. And it made her furious. Because it’s her life on the line.
“He was sleeping with other women, when he told me he wasn’t,” she told me.
“Well, men lie,” I said.
“He should have been honest,” she said. “I didn’t expect a commitment. I told him I was fine if he wanted to see other people, but I need to be safe.”
I wasn’t sure if there was a safe way for a man to have multiple lovers during a pandemic. Maybe if he did the Mormon sister-wives thing or set up an Islamic household…
My friend explained. “If he wanted to sleep with someone else, I’d need to socially isolate from him for a couple of weeks afterwards. I told him up front, I didn’t need for him to be exclusive, but I needed to make sure he was healthy when we got together.”
I didn’t point out the dangers in this strategy. Some men are selfish. So are some women, lest you think I’m male-bashing. I’m not.
But I could see how a selfish guy who wants his booty call might not tell her about the girl he banged a few days before. And I could also see how some people might resent having to answer questions.
But, here’s the thing. We have a moral obligation to each other.
I’m not saying I would follow my friend’s strategy. I don’t think you can know someone well enough, even after screening them for a few weeks, to trust them with something as important as your life. But at least my friend was trying to have safe sex.
And if everyone was honest, theoretically it would be possible. People could keep track of those they were in contact with, and be up front about the risks they were taking. Then potential lovers could make informed decisions.
The doctor who comes in contact with patients all day long suddenly doesn’t seem like such a good catch. Neither does the smoking hot guy who, it turns out, is a player. But, the recluse who only goes into his backyard for sun and whose last lover was a steady girlfriend he broke up with 6 months ago? That sounds like the guy you want, if you want safe sex.
Unfortunately, life is never that simple.
I do think that most people mean well. They aren’t consciously setting out to hurt others. But not everyone takes the risk of Covid seriously.
At some point we might start seeing lawsuits based on lovers lying. If someone dies because a lover who swore they were clean exposed them to the virus. After all, America is a litigious country. It’s just a matter of time.
I doubt it will help.
So what should you do if you want to satisfy your craving for love, or just lust, during this pandemic?
Maybe stay home and read “Love in the Time of Cholera” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez instead. The language is beautiful and the characters compelling.
The reality is that when you take a lover, you are putting your life in their hands. Even if you are young and healthy, there is a chance you could sick. If you are older or immune compromised, getting the virus could prove fatal.
You need to totally trust your lover.
Can you? Only time will tell. Perhaps, in this brave new world we live in, courtship will make a comeback.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash