Find your own sexual ‘tap’ and turn it on whenever you need to.
Although I’ve dabbled (who hasn’t?), I’ve never really ‘got’ the enduring, and apparently increasing, popularity of watching other people have sex on screen. If there was ever an activity that has to be a hell of a lot more fun to do than to watch, surely sex is it!
I’m not a massive sports fan, but I can at least understand the appeal of watching football or tennis etc., and the experts who have dedicated their lives to becoming the absolute masters of their chosen activity. However, I’ve never noticed anything particularly inspiring or skillful in any of the professionally performed sex acts that I’ve seen. It always seemed as if the actors having all the action were rather useless at actually doing it. A bit like a sex equivalent of what I was like playing football as a kid; fine as long as no one else got in the way, so I could quickly kick the ball towards the goal and get it in the back of the net. But if there was any interaction needed with the other players, I soon lost the plot (and the ball), often ending up in the mud at the wrong end of the pitch!
Quite aside from the unpleasant likelihood that, when people are filmed having sex for cash, at least some of them will have been coerced in some way; and the dynamic of porn sex usually seems that there is one (male) player that counts, and any others just do what they’re told. It is Like a boxing match where one contestant has a hand tied behind their back; although the outcome here is supposedly maximum pleasure for all involved (rather than anyone ‘winning’ or being injured). If that’s not the aim of porn, we need to own up to the fact that a significant proportion of the population get off on watching other people being debased and/or hurt, and reflect on how why that is, how we feel about it, and, if we’re uncomfortable with that reality, what we can do to change it.
A better sports metaphor for what we Brits sometimes call ‘horizontal jogging’ might be something like mountain climbing, when two (or more) people are dependent on trusting and helping each other get to a summit. In the porn sex I’ve seen it seemed as if the ‘teammates’ actually hated each other, hardly spoke other than to trade insults, had little idea or interest in what each other needed, and just carrying on grimly on until the one in the lead (usually male) rushed ahead to the summit on his own, leaving his partner hanging behind and showering snow in her face.
Watching porn seems to me like I imagine it would be watching other people eating a delicious meal, with lots of close ups of throats and mouths, rather than any attempt to convey the flavor or the sensuality of the food or the experience of eating it in good company…all while having a cold cheeseburger on your own. Or looking at people on a wonderful beach, with plenty of close ups of sunscreen being applied and their eyes squinting in the sun, or images of vocal chords, rather than the sound of anybody talking or singing.
All this seems to me like an obvious recipe for depression, and yet millions of people are apparently paying significant amounts of cash to do something equivalent on a regular basis. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with any kind of ‘looking’ as a part time occasional activity, when for whatever reason, we have no chance to enjoy the real thing as a way of remembering how great it is so that we will make plans to do it again. But when watching starts to become a regular substitute for reality, we’re surely on a fast track to sadness.
In some ways I’m surprised that the exponential growth of hook up and dating sites and apps, and other online ways of meeting people who want to meet people, hasn’t has led to a rapid decline in the use of porn. Why are so many people still apparently unable, or uninterested, in finding a partner who will share the love making equivalent of a gourmet meal, or a wonderful holiday, with them (whether it’s part of a longer term partnership or for a more fleeting shared encounter). Even someone who wants multiple sexual experiences now has plenty of ways to meet others who want the same. Or, if the sex in a longer-term relationship has stated to feel dull or routine, why not talk to a partner about that and agree some ways to have more excitement in a real love life rather than just an imaginary one?
The most wonderful thing about sex is that every one of us has been given an innate capacity to experience the finest delights that life has to offer, more wonderful and delicious than any wine, or meal, or holiday destination could ever be. Our bodies have an exceptional built in pleasure-making possibility (located in our minds as much as in our bodies) which can best be switched on by someone we care about, and which we can enjoy any time we want, completely free. Yet, we’ve been hypnotized to think we have to find pleasure, and purchase it, somewhere outside of ourselves. Like bottled water, we pay for an inferior version of something that’s freely available to us all the time. The reason for this of course, is that someone’s making a lot of money from selling us things that we already have an unlimited free supply of!
Here’s my suggestion. Like you should do with water, find your own sexual ‘tap’ and turn it on whenever you need to. You’ll have a much greater chance of attracting someone who’d like to share it with you, and as you know the best conversations always happen at the water cooler! Avoid the ‘bottled’ stuff. You’ll save money, be kinder to your ‘environment’, and have a happier life!
Photo credit: Getty Images