I’m British. Talking about sex in marriage is not what we do. However, I’m going to break the mould with this, and I’m talking about it, whether Margaret down the road likes it or not.
Sex for me in recent months is starting to become a bit of an issue. My husband and I have been together since 15 years old and we now have 4 amazing ,crazy, beautiful children together. All daughters, ranging from toddler to teen.
As you can imagine it is a busy household, so trying to find the opportunity for ‘the sweet lovin’ can be tricky at the best of times. Throw into the mix the fact we unschool full time, you would be forgiven for thinking that there has most likely been a very long drought.
However, even after 20 years together and 4 wild children appearing at every possible corner, I am happy to put your mind at rest and say that things are still pretty ‘healthy’.
When I say ‘healthy’, I guess I just mean regular enough that we’re not unhappy. We still want each other with a passion which is lovely, but realistically we would be doing it more if it was just us . . .
Now, as far as I’m concerned there is no such thing as ‘normal’. Everyone has different sex drives, wants and needs. However, being the curious cat I am, I thought I’d do a bit of googling to see ‘What is the average amount married couples have sex?’ I decided on married couples in particular so the statistics would be more in my favour obviously . . . I’m not saying once you get married you don’t have sex as much, because that isn’t true; But let’s face it, at the beginning of a relationship, you’re at it like rabbits.
According to the General Social Survey’s data, around 660 married people shared details about how often they had sex in the past year. These are the results:
- 25% had sex once a week
- 19% had sex two to three times per month
- 17% had sex once a month
- 16% had sex two to three times per week
- 10% hadn’t had sex in the past year
- 7% had sex about once or twice in the past year
- 5% had sex four or more times per week
The survey also found that sex decreases with age, and wanted to re-iterate that sexual frequency does not always equal sexual satisfaction.
Like I said, in many ways this is irrelevant, but as human nature dictates, interesting nonetheless.
For myself, however, the amount my husband and I are having sex is not the issue . . . its the way in which we have to have sex.
Sex has become a big secret.
Scrap that.
Sex has always been our dirty secret. From day one.
When my husband and I have sex, we have to hide it (the act, not some strange game of hide the sausage) . . . It is always rushed, muffled, and usually happens when when we can grab a ‘quick opportunity’. We have nowhere to ‘go’, we never have, from the moment we met.
When you have 4 kids in the house at all times, finding the opportunity to have sex can sometimes feel like looking for a needle in a haystack (my husband wanted to make it clear that is not a metaphor).
The conditions have to be just right, where the odds are tipped towards you not being disturbed . . . but when you have 4 children, especially one being a teenager, and one a toddler who is a mini tornado of terror, it can sometimes feel impossible . . .
When the moment does arise, it’s like the final countdown. We know we have a small window of time to get in there and get it done. Sexy lines spoken can include:
“Ok sure, but you’re going to have to be quick.”
“Change position the bed is squeaking/banging/your thighs are making a slapping sound/ssssshhhhhhhh.”
“Hurry up, they are coming.”
Now don’t get me wrong, we make it work. I don’t want to put across an image of some rushed, clinical act, because it’s not like that. We have lots of fun together, there is loads of passion, we mix it up and we manage to still get in some sexy talk. Sometimes we fall about laughing . . .
It’s just we can never take it as ‘far’ as we would like to if the kids weren’t in the house , if you catch my drift.
However, this ‘secret, rushed sex’ isn’t a new phenomenon for my husband and me, its been happening our whole lives . . . which is perhaps why I am getting sick of it.
We met at 15 years old. It was love at first sight. The moment I saw him, it was like I already knew him, and a bolt of energy coursed through my entire body. It was electric.
When the day came where we wanted to take the next steps, we had nowhere to go, nowhere that was our ‘place’ or safe space. This inevitably led to many interesting locations over our teenage years, including a quarry on the moors, a building site at night, the garage, woodlands, and the most interesting of all, on the cliff edge in Whitby!? Like I said, young love . . .
It is interesting to me that juxtaposition between having sex with someone you love, and it being seen as a bad or dirty act. It makes me wonder if it is because of our parents, or due to the ideas presented to us from society in general?
British Attitudes to Sex
When it comes to the topic of sex, what we Brits seem to say and do can be complete opposites.
Historically, our reserved outer shells can portray a prudish nation, embarrassed to talk about our sex lives and unwilling to discuss with our children. It never fails to amaze me when a parent can watch a TV show depicting gratuitous violence, with their underaged child ever-present, and yet as soon as scenes start getting saucy, the channel gets changed.
Behind the scenes, however, lends a different story. Us English are dirty bastards, we always have been. We also cannot get enough of a good sexual innuendo which forms a lot of the basis of British humour.
There is also cause to suggest that in younger people, perhaps British attitudes towards sex are much more casual than in many other countries. In the UK is common to have sex before marriage, sleep with a bunch of different people, and have one-night stands. But strangely once you are married and settled with the love of your life, we don’t want to talk about it . . .
We are also told from a young age many different stories about sex. From the stalk delivering the baby, to nondescript ideas on your new little sister ‘appearing’ in your Mums tummy, it seems strange to me that a topic so important was taught to me by a fellow nine year old, waiting in the queue for the toilets.
I wanted to do the opposite with our children, and tell them the truth as soon as they asked. After all this isn’t some strange secret but a fact of life, and a really magical one. We wern’t expecting our eldest to be so young when she asked us . . . she was 5. She asked more questions and we answered them, and it was fine, there was no weirdness, it was just normal.
Fastforward now to 10 years later, and that 5 year old is a teenager . . . a much more terrifying creature.
Teenagers do not want to be thinking for even a millisecond that their parents could have a sex life. The very idea is so turl curling and vomit inducing, I remember the feeling well. Here in lies our issue.
We don’t want to make our teenager feel uncomfortable. So unfortunately all that work we did at the beginning to make it ‘normal’ has now gone, and it’s like we are back in time once more.
20 years ago we were hiding away from adults, 20 years later we are hiding from our children. All we have ever done is hide.
Now you are probably thinking ‘Of course, everyone hides away to make love, whats new?’ (well almost everyone), but that’s not the issue. The issue is the fact that every single time my Husband and I want to make love, we have to find the exact moment where all the kids are entertained, and once they are, we know we are on serious borrowed time . . .
It will be a very strange day in our lives when we can just ‘have sex’, for as long as we want, and make as much noise as we want. But I guess it is just a matter of time?
So what do we do? Do we become ‘Meet the Fockers?’ . . . Have an open and honest conversation with our teenager about our needs as a married couple and tell her when there is a ‘hat on the door’ do not disturb? This option feels so strange to me now, I have visions of her lying on her bed, headphones on, mortified.
Or do we just accept this as part of having children? Give it another 10 years of quick secret sex, and once we are older enjoy reconnecting in a new way?
I would love to know your opinion or experience with this.
Either way I know we will be fine. We have gone this far with it, I guess I’m just a bit more frustrated recently than usual. However I don’t want to put across any image of ‘unhappiness’. I am so very happy with our lives. I feel incredibly lucky to have met my soulmate at such a young age and to have been able to spend every single moment with him for the last 20 years. I feel very privalidged that we still fancy the pants off each other after all this time. Our children mean more to us than anything, and we are determined to spend every moment possible with them, because we have one shot at this, and it goes so very fast.
Sex isn’t something I ever speak to anyone else about, so I have enjoyed writing about it and releasing my thoughts. I look forward to hearing your opinions!
Take care, Nyx
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Erick Palacio on Unsplash