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It’s good that sexual harassment and abuse are beginning to be taken seriously, and I was looking forward to seeing what kinds of statements were going to be made at the Golden Globe Awards. I was glad to see women standing in solidarity with each other, and with those who have been abused. Their black dresses seemed a fitting symbol of the seriousness of the problem, how widespread it is, and that it’s time to change things.
Although the focus was on women, men were also supporting the women’s protest stance, and the #MeToo movement continued to gain notoriety. Another initiative that was getting attention during the evening was TIME’S UP, a unified call for change from women in entertainment for women everywhere. “Powered by women, TIME’S UP addresses the systemic inequality and injustice in the workplace that has kept underrepresented groups from reaching their full potential.”
Women standing together addressing the problems of sexual harassment and abuse in our society offers powerful healing for women and men.
There are some things that resonated with me as being very right about the protests, and some things that I thought were very wrong. Let me explain.
1. I think it’s wonderful that women are coming together.
Change happens when people come together to say “no” to abusive practices. Women are powerful, and when they come together in support of each other, that solidarity creates positive change for women as well as men.
2. Men supporting women is healthy and helpful.
Sexual abuse and harassment is not just a women’s issue. Many men participate, either directly or indirectly. Even though only a small percentage of men sexually abuse women, many more go along with it, laugh at it, or make jokes about “guys just being guys”. More men need to ask themselves, “how would I feel if that was my wife or my daughter being treated that way?”
3. Oprah models the way of a passionate warrior.
One of the reasons that Oprah is one of the most respected people in the world is that she models the true warrior spirit. She stands against oppression, but she does it with love and kindness. She shares her own experiences of abuse, and reminds us all about the people who should not be forgotten.
She calls on us to remember Recy Taylor, who was a young wife and a mother in 1944. Recy was walking home from a church service she’d attended in Abbeville, Alabama, when she was abducted by six armed white men, raped, and left blindfolded by the side of the road.
Oprah shared the story of what happened to Recy to inspire us all as humans to do better. “And I just hope that Recy Taylor died knowing that her truth—like the truth of so many other women who were tormented in those years, and even now tormented—goes marching on.”
Although a powerful advocate for women, she never puts men down. She concluded her speech with these words. “So I want all the girls watching here, now, to know that a new day is on the horizon! And when that new day finally dawns, it will be because of a lot of magnificent women, many of whom are right here in this room tonight, and some pretty phenomenal men, fighting hard to make sure that they become the leaders who take us to the time when nobody ever has to say ‘Me too’ again.”
Her example makes everyone one of us—men and women—want to be a better human being.
4. Stedman Graham is a model for how to be a strong man in support of a powerful woman.
I’ve always admired Stedman Graham. He exudes a quiet strength—and it can’t be easy being the partner of an icon like Oprah. Yet, he has been her rock for more than 30 years and I’ve watched him evolve from a young, handsome, dark-haired mystery man to the distinguished-looking escort who stands with Oprah as her loving partner. They both agree that getting married would have been destructive to their relationship. I’ve always looked up to the man as a role model of healthy masculinity, even though I don’t know him personally.
Here’s what I didn’t like: The dehumanization of men who are accused of sexual harassment.
Whatever you may believe about celebrity men who are accused by women of sexual harassment or assault, they are still human beings. Kevin Spacey was accused by more than a dozen men who say he sexually harassed and attempted to rape them decades ago.
Eighty-four women have accused Weinstein of a variety of inappropriate to criminal behavior, ranging from requests for massages to intimidating sexual advances to rape.
Golden Globes Host, Seth Myers, quipped about Weinstein “I think it’s time to address the elephant not in the room…Harvey Weinstein isn’t here tonight because I’ve heard rumors he’s crazy and difficult to work with,” he said. “But don’t worry—he’ll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed during the ‘In Memoriam’.”
To consider Harvey Weinstein’s future as one where he will continue to be seen as a caricature of evil for the next 20 years sells humanity short and contributes to a simple, but inaccurate, portrayal of the problem. The narrative might be stated this way: There is a group of evil, sexual predators who must be identified and removed from power, so they can’t ever hurt women again.
The problems with this narrative are twofold. First, by imagining that there is a group of “bad apples” that can be removed from the community, we delude ourselves into believing we can solve the problem without looking at the source. Scapegoating a few “evil men” gives us some momentary satisfaction, but causes us to avoid doing the hard work of true healing.
Secondly, by denying the humanity of the men involved, we push the problem further underground. The focus remains on empowering women to stand up to abuse, without asking the deeper question—what would cause a man like Harvey Weinstein to abuse so many women? What would cause a man like Kevin Spacey to abuse young boys and men?
To get at the real problem we have to see sexual abuse for what it really is—a complex personal, interpersonal, and social problem that has roots in childhood. If left untreated, it can cause abused children to grow up and become adults who abuse others. I’ve been treating this abuse cycle for nearly fifty years as a therapist. Healing is not easy, but it is possible, and it starts with telling the truth, without shaming the person.
But let me be crystal clear here. I’m not saying we should say of Spacey and Weinstein, “You’re not responsible for your abusive behavior because you were abused as a child.” Most abused children don’t grow up to abuse others. Those who do should be held responsible for their actions.
Yet, if we want to prevent further abuse, we have to address the roots of the problem in childhood. We won’t understand why Kevin Spacey or Harvey Weinstein or any of the other men did what they did until we ask what happened to these men when they were little boys?
There is a now extensive research over more than 25 years showing the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) on adult health and well-being. Are we ready to ask the hard questions about the pervasiveness of child sexual abuse, or are we content to demonize the men?
I’d like to see Oprah step forward and lead a real campaign to address these issues. It could do more good than becoming President. Though knowing Oprah, she could probably do both, and still have time to have fun with Stedman.
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This post was originally published on menalive.com, and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
We do have a long way to go. A young man posted how hurt and afraid he was to get involved with women. He wrote a poem. Not knowing how to deflect the projections of hurt and hostile women. Not knowing how to explain the pain he feels when women try to tell him what a man should be. How intimidating it is to be attacked for his gander. This is a teenager. The most heartless response was how he was changing the subject. I think we need to put more attention on how we grow beyond the appropriate age… Read more »
Thanks Mitch. We do have a long way to go, but what better work is there than healing the pain that males and females have suffered.