Coach Allana Pratt loves receiving your questions: I’m in a narcissistic/codependent trait marriage of 14 years and 3 kids with infidelities on both sides, and overall an unhappy unconscious marriage. I am doing my inner work and am on the path to a healthy me. The other side is not interested in collaborating, sees me as a needy pushover and though I’m committed (it’s been over a yr since dday), at times I feel like am fighting a lost battle. How do I decide if to stay married or divorce, and for how long should one try (what is the sure sign I’ve done all I could, it’s time to call it quits)?
Damn, what a great question. In today’s world, it seems people aren’t willing to roll up their sleeves and really grow, and instead blame the other all too quickly and end it. Not everyone of course, yet overall I don’t see a lot of people who do as you say, ‘the inner work on the road to a healthy me.”
Here is the main deciding factor… it’s not so much TIME but PARTNERSHIP or lack thereof. If both partners are willing to work and forward movement is gained… then stick with it for as long as it takes, no matter what it takes!
However, if the other partner is not interested in collaborating, cooperating, communicating… then things get dicey. I HAVE seen marriages where only one partner changes and from a new perspective, they see the partner with fresh eyes, eyes of appreciation and they create a space for the other partner to literally show up differently… and the marriage strengthens. It doesn’t have to be tit for tat. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 for a whole new reality to be born. Sometimes one partner getting healthy is so profound that the other partner gets sucked into the vortex of possibility and voila… a new more workable healthy alive relationship is birthed.
Other times when one person grows and the other doesn’t, the chasm grows and two divergent roads appear, making it clear the sacred contract is over and it’s time to move on. Instead of inspiration, resentment grows, lack of respect increases and desire for a new life emerges…including a new kind of partnership with new values, priorities and possibilities.
Calling it quits, when it’s really honest, is a quiet still small voice, not a reactive emotional decision. It’s more of a surrender than a dramatic stand. It’s what love would do. Self-love. And if I can help you get there, through the noise to the truth within, it would be a privilege. I am really good at it actually… something about the level of truth I have found in the midst of really challenging times, has created a sanctuary within me, where people feel safe, non judged and able to feel unconditionally loved and connect with their deepest truth. Marriage and children are too important to make the unhealthy choice. I’m here for you should it resonate to connect. www.AllanaPratt.com/strategy or simply choose to do a series with me so that we leave no stone unturned and you can Live from your Deepest Truth and Love.
A version of this post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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