I asked a group of 300 single women what their biggest dating problems were. What they said might surprise you…
As a dating coach for single women over 40, one of the first questions I ask a client is, “What’s your biggest problem in dating?” I want to know what they’ve tried and what their struggles are. Have they dated online? If so, have they had some success? Have they gone to social events? Are they dating the wrong men? Are they unknowingly putting up guards that turn men off? Their answers help me tailor a program that helps them attract their ideal match.
I recently asked a group of about 300 single, divorced, and widowed women over 40 what their biggest problems were in dating. I wanted to see how many struggled with the same issues. Here’s what they said, followed by my thoughts on how they might overcome these dating problems and attract their best relationship.
300 Single Women Over 40 Reveal Their Biggest Problems in Dating
- I find very few men attractive in my eyes.
- I am too old to be chasing men and tired of the games.
- I have a hard time finding quality prospects.
- I struggle with trusting that a guy isn’t going to disappear. They eventually all do.
- I am self-employed and work at home. Therefore, I don’t encounter many eligible men in my daily routine.
- It’s hard to meet a man who fits my high standards; minimum of a masters degree, in great physical shape as I am, multi-cultural and ideally multi-lingual.
- American men are biased towards younger women (no matter how bad they themselves look), and I am not looking to date my grandpa.
- I don’t want to date men who haven’t figured out what went wrong in prior relationships.
Some are seeking a clone of their ex-wife or don’t recognize that they were part of the problem and haven’t changed their toxic behaviors.
- I am geographically undesirable.
- A lot of men don’t want a woman with a few extra pounds (they don’t know what they’re missing).
- I find just the opposite. The men I meet like fuller figures.
- I can’t find a man who will spend time to let a relationship grow.
- I can’t find men who want more than a casual date or hookup and who don’t act desperate.
- If I do find someone I’m attracted to, he is usually not attracted to me.
Let’s analyze the results:
1. Single women over 40 are struggling to find someone they’re attracted to, a man who doesn’t play games and doesn’t just want sex or a casual hookup.
This is a common complaint from women. Is it that women don’t want sex at this age? Nope. Most women want sex as much as men do. But when a man rushes sex, women often feel objectified. They want to be appreciated for more than their bodies. So guys, please pay attention to more than the boobs and the butt. The other B, the brain, is just as important, especially as you’re getting to know a woman.
In terms of attraction, when you connect deeply at this level, attraction can grow. So stop looking for super hot chemistry and butterflies when you first meet. It’s not likely to happen like that at this age, and on the rare occasions when it does, the relationship is usually based on nothing more than lust. Would you rather crash and burn or have a slow sizzle that bursts into hot flames over time?
2. Single women over 40 want to know why older men seem to only like women half their age.
I get it; youth is attractive. That’s why people drop billions of dollars a year on a quest for everlasting youth through makeup, beauty treatments, botox, and face lifts.
And some older men want much younger women. It’s good for the ego. Maybe the sex is hot. But do all older men want younger women? Nah. Anyone who’s looking for a true connection is more likely to find it with someone closer to their age.
Ladies, you can’t do anything about the men who want a midlife-crisis-Barbie-Doll. Ignore those men, and seek out the guys who want a relationship with someone they can relate to. Those men are out there. Truly.
3. Women are tired of men who are still in love with (or hateful towards) their exes. They want men who take responsibility for their share in a failed relationship.
Guys, if you’re comparing all the women you date to your ex, or you’re still blaming her for your problems, please get therapy and work this stuff out. A mature woman who values herself doesn’t want to date a man who’s a victim or stuck in the past. She’s going to walk away and find a grownup guy.
4. Some women are insecure about their bodies and think men only want a certain body type.
Guys, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe there’s a ‘lid for every pot’, a body type for every guy. Some men like thin women, some like curvier figures. The men I’ve spoken to care less about how much a woman weighs and more about how much a woman loves her body. They want someone who rocks what she’s got. So, if you’re a larger woman, take good care of your body and flaunt it, sista! Someone will love you for who you are.
5. Some women have a long list of requirements like a high level of education, multi-national travel, and mastery of multiple languages.
Ladies, ditch your unrealistic lists. A man who never graduated college might be brilliant (Steve Jobs). I know many really smart people, including my son, who don’t have high degrees, and many people with a Ph.D. or M.D. whose intelligence I don’t respect. Look beyond degrees and discover whether the person you’re dating has character and integrity. Do you share common values? Do you feel comfortable with one another? Do you light each other up? Those things are far more important than a Harvard or Yale degree, or whether or not he speaks Mandarin.
6. Some women think they’re geographically undesirable.
People in big cities say it’s hard to meet anyone. People in remote cities say they have no one to date. Wherever you live, I promise you are not geographically undesirable (hello online dating, Face Time, and airplanes).
What does it all mean?
Just about any problem you have in dating can be overcome. You don’t have to be brilliant to find love. You don’t have to speak multiple languages, live in a big city, or have a perfect body.
You do need to drop your list of unrealistic requirements that have nothing to do with love.
Let’s end on a high note, with one of my favorite comments in the poll.
- Dating problems? Who’s got problems? When Mr. Right comes into my life, it will be to enhance my already happy life…not to complete it.
That’s a healthy approach to dating. Dating problems begin to disappear when you overcome your insecurities and limiting beliefs about the opposite sex. There are fewer dating issues when you can communicate your wants and needs clearly and have confidence and self-respect. When you have a positive approach to dating, it’s just a matter of time before you find someone special to enhance your already happy life.
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Photo: sternack street / flickr