I asked a group of 300 single women what their biggest dating problems were. What they said might surprise you…
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As a dating coach for single women over 40, one of the first questions I ask a client is, “What’s your biggest problem in dating?” I want to know what they’ve tried and what their struggles are. Have they dated online? If so, have they had some success? Have they gone to social events? Are they dating the wrong men? Are they unknowingly putting up guards that turn men off? Their answers help me tailor a program that helps them attract their ideal match.
I recently asked a group of about 300 single, divorced, and widowed women over 40 what their biggest problems were in dating. I wanted to see how many struggled with the same issues. Here’s what they said, followed by my thoughts on how they might overcome these dating problems and attract their best relationship.
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300 Single Women Over 40 Reveal Their Biggest Problems in Dating
- I find very few men attractive in my eyes.
- I am too old to be chasing men and tired of the games.
- I have a hard time finding quality prospects.
- I struggle with trusting that a guy isn’t going to disappear. They eventually all do.
- I am self-employed and work at home. Therefore, I don’t encounter many eligible men in my daily routine.
- It’s hard to meet a man who fits my high standards; minimum of a masters degree, in great physical shape as I am, multi-cultural and ideally multi-lingual.
- American men are biased towards younger women (no matter how bad they themselves look), and I am not looking to date my grandpa.
- I don’t want to date men who haven’t figured out what went wrong in prior relationships.
I don’t want to date men who haven’t figured out what went wrong in prior relationships.
Some are seeking a clone of their ex-wife or don’t recognize that they were part of the problem and haven’t changed their toxic behaviors.
- I am geographically undesirable.
- A lot of men don’t want a woman with a few extra pounds (they don’t know what they’re missing).
- I find just the opposite. The men I meet like fuller figures.
- I can’t find a man who will spend time to let a relationship grow.
- I can’t find men who want more than a casual date or hookup and who don’t act desperate.
- If I do find someone I’m attracted to, he is usually not attracted to me.
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Let’s analyze the results:
1. Single women over 40 are struggling to find someone they’re attracted to, a man who doesn’t play games and doesn’t just want sex or a casual hookup.
This is a common complaint from women. Is it that women don’t want sex at this age? Nope. Most women want sex as much as men do. But when a man rushes sex, women often feel objectified. They want to be appreciated for more than their bodies. So guys, please pay attention to more than the boobs and the butt. The other B, the brain, is just as important, especially as you’re getting to know a woman.
In terms of attraction, when you connect deeply at this level, attraction can grow. So stop looking for super hot chemistry and butterflies when you first meet. It’s not likely to happen like that at this age, and on the rare occasions when it does, the relationship is usually based on nothing more than lust. Would you rather crash and burn or have a slow sizzle that bursts into hot flames over time?
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2. Single women over 40 want to know why older men seem to only like women half their age.
I get it; youth is attractive. That’s why people drop billions of dollars a year on a quest for everlasting youth through makeup, beauty treatments, botox, and face lifts.
And some older men want much younger women. It’s good for the ego. Maybe the sex is hot. But do all older men want younger women? Nah. Anyone who’s looking for a true connection is more likely to find it with someone closer to their age.
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Ladies, you can’t do anything about the men who want a midlife-crisis-Barbie Doll.
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Ladies, you can’t do anything about the men who want a midlife-crisis-Barbie-Doll. Ignore those men, and seek out the guys who want a relationship with someone they can relate to. Those men are out there. Truly.
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3. Women are tired of men who are still in love with (or hateful towards) their exes. They want men who take responsibility for their share in a failed relationship.
Guys, if you’re comparing all the women you date to your ex, or you’re still blaming her for your problems, please get therapy and work this stuff out. A mature woman who values herself doesn’t want to date a man who’s a victim or stuck in the past. She’s going to walk away and find a grownup guy.
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4. Some women are insecure about their bodies and think men only want a certain body type.
Guys, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe there’s a ‘lid for every pot’, a body type for every guy. Some men like thin women, some like curvier figures. The men I’ve spoken to care less about how much a woman weighs and more about how much a woman loves her body. They want someone who rocks what she’s got. So, if you’re a larger woman, take good care of your body and flaunt it, sista! Someone will love you for who you are.
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5. Some women have a long list of requirements like a high level of education, multi-national travel, and mastery of multiple languages.
Ladies, ditch your unrealistic lists. A man who never graduated college might be brilliant (Steve Jobs). I know many really smart people, including my son, who don’t have high degrees, and many people with a Ph.D. or M.D. whose intelligence I don’t respect. Look beyond degrees and discover whether the person you’re dating has character and integrity. Do you share common values? Do you feel comfortable with one another? Do you light each other up? Those things are far more important than a Harvard or Yale degree, or whether or not he speaks Mandarin.
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6. Some women think they’re geographically undesirable.
People in big cities say it’s hard to meet anyone. People in remote cities say they have no one to date. Wherever you live, I promise you are not geographically undesirable (hello online dating, Face Time, and airplanes).
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What does it all mean?
Just about any problem you have in dating can be overcome. You don’t have to be brilliant to find love. You don’t have to speak multiple languages, live in a big city, or have a perfect body.
You do need to drop your list of unrealistic requirements that have nothing to do with love.
Let’s end on a high note, with one of my favorite comments in the poll.
- Dating problems? Who’s got problems? When Mr. Right comes into my life, it will be to enhance my already happy life…not to complete it.
That’s a healthy approach to dating. Dating problems begin to disappear when you overcome your insecurities and limiting beliefs about the opposite sex. There are fewer dating issues when you can communicate your wants and needs clearly and have confidence and self-respect. When you have a positive approach to dating, it’s just a matter of time before you find someone special to enhance your already happy life.
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You might also like:
Dating Tips for Shy Guys
The Single Woman with Guillain-Barré
Single? You Missed the Girl in the Corner
The One Thing Women Want More Than Love
Why Nice Guys Stay Single
Photo: sternack street / flickr
Women have not been interested in me. Sometimes women are interested in what I have, but that becomes obvious pretty quickly, when they let me know that they’ve ‘settling’ for me. I’ve had two rounds through family court, more 13 years combined, and that’s a huge disincentive to getting re-married, and putting what I’ve earned at risk is not happening. I’m not tall, I don’t have a degree and I’m finally making 6 figures, but who knows how long that will last? Most of the dating profiles that I look at are demanding a 6′, 6 figure income, 6 year… Read more »
my single 50 male friend
The truth is it’s too late. You were young and pretty once- and all the guys you brutally rejected are not going to take all the risks associated with showing any sexual interest even if there is any. Long term bonds and shared experience matter to men- women seem repulsed by it.
When you’re young you tend to know more people. You go out more often. It’s easier to meet knew people. Life is less complicated. When you’re 40 you’ve experienced some heartache, you’re more careful, perhaps less open, making dating harder.
iam looking for a special women ! no pain i want to comfer her and love her . iam 59 ,hispanic , just retired , iam looking for that women that no man has respected , iam here , were are you
aww women feeling entitled to men doing certain things for them! Why do men have to owe women anything for god’s sake. We are shallow when women are complaining about not having ” masters degree”?imao. Not to mention you cant shame men for running after sex , so u have problems with $lut shaming women but have no problems shaming men? Men can have preferences even if they want to date younger. Cry me a river. Women have preferences for guys earning high or having degrees . So its fair . Just another reason why feminism is hypocritical
The wall hits hard ladies! There is an ever decreasing value on return the older you get. If a man has a least a masters degree, is bilingual, multicultural and has money he will be dating a 20 or 30 year old. Why would he date someone his own age? Because you have the same qualifications as he? You can no longer (safely) give him a family, your looks are gone, some of you have kids of your own and your standards are ridiculously high for what you bring to the table. If a guy can make it to his… Read more »
Kind of like the standards that men that are their age or younger prefer younger women…
I cannot image why single women over 40 find it hard to find a partner
Judging by the absolute arrogance of the preconceived checklists and the judgemental attitudes any man with an IQ above a wombat would run a mile
You forgot the biggest and most important one: Single Moms!!!!!
I’m 43, I have my own company, my own home, and I am a widower so no hangups about an ex. I have had a total of 4 girlfriends in my life and I am still on good terms with them. Although one moved overseas and we lost touch and one is dead. I perfer women who will eat a steak at a restaurant and not just nibble on a salad a few extra kgs is great, I love a fuller figure. I don’t want some young immature thing, I want good conversation about life, the universe and everything. Yet… Read more »
This comment was 4 years ago. I hope you found her xx
I have become long term single. I have become so used to being on my own, I’m not sure I could manage a relationship anymore. Even though deep down it’s still something I want.
I couldn’t agree more with point number 5! It’s absolutely ridiculous the laundry list of demands some women have given me. I’m a good person, not a travel agent.
Aw, did feminism lie and you can’t really have it all? Gee whizzers!
I’m 65, divorced (42 years of marriage), after wife was in very serious traffic accident, who needs lots of medical attention, who loved me and decided to force me to spare the pain of continuing to care for her (I did that support every day), she then demanded a divorce, her goal was to preserve our memories of the marriage years. After 4 years since the accident, I’ve sat up 4 different profiles on dating web sites. To my surprise, the 1st profile got massive hits was Money available for European travel (endless hits), very little discussion of my bio,… Read more »
it tells me youre a pig that didnt honor your vows.
It seems to me that many women are looking for financial security provided by men. If a woman’s single and over 40, she’s either divorced or has never been married. Most of us single guys run from a never married 45 year old. Womenwant it all yet,when was the last time a woman asked a guy out, paid for dinner and subsequent dates and suggested that I join them on their yacht. Funny
Joining me
youre obviously going after the wrong women. Try to overcome your shallowness and look past looks. There are millions of wonderful women who are flying past your radar cuz they don’t meet your beauty standards.
What about the married guys who cheat? Id rather be single then a wife who would rather stay and work it out….
I gave up dating at 30 Why? a few reasons. #1) I find almost no women over 35 attractive. #2) I wanted to be a father, not going to happen with women over 35 #3) Dating is expensive. I need to save for my retirement. I’m a tall attractive guy and I keep myself in shape, I occasionally get asked out, but they have nothing to offer I can’t get by being friends. Why risk my home, retirement etc for what? What does an over 35 women offer? I don’t want sex from her, she can’t give me children. She’s… Read more »
Well you sound like an open minded guy !
I am 43. Attractive, educated etc. I don’t date men younger than 38, who are single without kids. I find there is usually a reason why they are single and childless.
Moni, I’m curious. Why do you believe there’s something wrong if a person is single & childless after a certain age?
I’m man with a Master’s degree, in tremendous physical condition, financially & mentally secure and I have never wed nor do I have kids.
A reply to your way prejudicial way of thought is there’s probably something wrong with you because YOU have kids & YOU married the wrong person.
100% correct. AND the older they are the more intense the reason they are uncommitted.
Actually I meant older men who never got married or who had children. I do a few 50 something guys that never even had a relationship over 1.5 years. Even then they only saw the woman once a week.
@ admitted they have deep rooted problems frothier parents. Difficult for them to commit and they get bored with women easily.
Me sem
Hai I am from Tamil nadu. Indian and you
Hard to find women who will date a guy in their late 60’s. Most are looking for 45 year olds.
“I wanted to be a father, not going to happen with women over 35”
“She’s more likely to have an STD”
Please step away slowly and get educated before attempting to join any conversation in the future, thanks!
Hi I am Ravi from Tamil nadu
What he means is that at 35 you may have kids but then it’s another 25 years to raise them and pay for their education. So then you need to save for retirement with not much time left.
Inn sorty but you are completely wrong! Many women I know have been able to have a baby naturally at 45 for example, so you saying that she can’t give you a baby because she’s 35yo it’s wrong. I’m 41 and divorced, I look 32 and everyone says that, I keep in great shape too. I think the way you think is totally screwed up and you refer to women over 35 like they are not worth it. Why would they have STD’s? Actually a woman over 35 is probably more mature and takes better care of her self than… Read more »
Sincerely I quite agree with Sofia,their some 35years that look 45 when they don’t know how to take care of themselves.if you wouldn’tind Sofia I will like to know u better in fact I will like to date you with this statement.
you know women over 35 can have kids right? Male sperm quality after 40 goes down significantly also leading to birth defects and physiological issues in the kids. Also, makes it harder for the women to get pregnant. You’re not the best fertilizer women could get any more. Don’t kid yourself. With your attitude on love and marriage, it’s probably best you never procreate. You think because you’re a man you deserve a 25-year-old woman, but they don’t want you despite the lies the media feeds you. 35-year-old women aren’t even old. Today, they look better than most guys at… Read more »
When I found out my husband was having an affair with another woman, I was devastated. I wanted it to stop immediately, I had to work things out and save marriage. He wanted a divorce. He even moved into the other woman’s apartment while we were going through our divorce. It was horrible and I was a wreck. Luckily for me I found Dr.Mack online on a comments how he repair broken relationship and i contacted him through his email address [email protected] com for help but i felt uncomfortable because i was scared if Dr.Mack can help my situation. I… Read more »
I stayed in a bad marriage praying to never have to date again, thou I still ended up single after 40. At this age one would think kids grown life should be easy. Men want young women, whom are needy, whom they can mold into what they desire. I’ve been single for 5 years going on 6 in a few days. If one been married 20 plus years you forget the date game, and I don’t remember it being as this. I haven’t been on a date in 25 years. I rather be married still then face the cruel no… Read more »
Understand what you are saying. “Men want young women, whom are needy, whom they can mold into what they desire.” There are no doubt some men like this. However, there is a substantial portion of men who do not feel this way at all. I don’t know if there are studies to give more detail, but I am certain of it. It is a matter of continuing to meet people — a numbers game. I know that is easy to say and I have the same difficulty meeting women (and I don’t have any great secrets about how to do… Read more »
Your height attract them, you have a curse and a blessing all in one. And with so many races combining its a job to find a person of one’s race whom date within their race . With the husky issue, know you have to sometimes walk a dog, if it get comfortable it get husky from a lack of attention , hold it’s hand and walk it. Thanks for the thoughts, though I am going to date only me, and watch others try to win at the game. Was married once let the next gal take a jab at it,… Read more »
Men want young women die to tight bodies, lack of baggage, and no saggy breasts. Pretty simple.
With
Truly cancel every negative thought one at a time and see what happens
I am a 53 year old male that enjoys looking good. Where I live is family friendly country.many of the women on dating sites are not very social rarely reply or disappear. I am frustrated here in Boise, Idaho. Many are very unfriendly here also.
I feel for you fgx76. I too am like you, though I’m a couple of years older and I’m a woman. My experiences over the years have not been great. I’ve been on dates only to either be ignored or dropped on from a great height. It seems so unfair when everyone around you is happy in a relationship. Although I live across ‘the pond’ here in the UK, the world does seem a sad and lonely place at times. As hard as it may seem please don’t just give up… I’m told there is someone out there for each… Read more »
I’m a guy 41 who has a good job and s advanced degree but I’ve never had a relationship or sex so I’m on the bottom of anyone’s list.
Hi. Are you asian fgx76?
You are a man, a young gal will get you????
I’m quite like you then. 39 yo woman who has had a few boyfriends but no sex; a degree; good job. Men tell me that I’m attractive and smart. I really want to have a family and children of my own now. I was afraid of commitment when I was younger plus I loved my freedom and independence. Last year I thought of undergoing an IUI treatment to have a baby from a sperm donor but have decided against it cos it would be unfair to deny a child a right to know his dad’s identity.
Stop dating, problem solved. That’s what I did (only problem I have now is dating and telling me what to wear articles coming up when I Google “women in their 40s”). Reason I stopped is I’ve had a gutful of the singles crowd and all their crap, barely met a decent one among them, the women were nasty and would put a knife in your back as soon as look at you and the men were horrifically badly behaved, they hate women with such a burning passion and the nasty repetitive logic defying comments they make online, it’s put me… Read more »
I’m a 50 something attractive male, 6′ tall, 176 lbs, very fit, educated, articulate, and secure. Looking for women in my age group.
But want someone who is not huskier than me. I know there are women like this out there, but they are IMPOSSIBLE to meet. I have zero problems meeting LOTS of women huskier than me.
Help!!! Appreciate any advice. The world is very cruel to slim, fit men who want to be huskier than the women they meet.
Stan I’m 48 5’10” 210 lbs very fit and it shows. There is no good advice only bad news. I stopped dating for now because of the reasons you’ve posted. I don’t want a relationship with a woman who is larger than me or BBW status. The way I look at it is this: you’ll go to an office party or go out with coworkers for a drink or two and have a great time. Now turn that around; if it were a singles event or first date you’d probably have a vastly different perspective or just not be interested.… Read more »
Thanks for your honest comments Aaron. It is difficult to communicate this to others. As a man, I do not feel comfortable around a women who is huskier than me. No amount of verbal slight of hand about looking for other things or being content with what you find is going to change that. I’m do not require an extremely attractive women (average or below average attractiveness is ok) — just need someone less husky than me. Then, and only then, can I do all the other things that so many lecture men about …. consider chemistry, personality, the person’s… Read more »
You are a real spammer with the husky word, you sound like a little whining bitch, no wonder you can’t find anybody.
Jane: your post missed the point. You may not like the word husky — but what ever the best word is, I am a man and need to be larger. I am not comfortable otherwise. This is very similar to how many (perhaps most) women view short men — they are not interested and not comfortable with a man shorter than them. Many women take this much further and insist on a man who is at least a few inches taller that them. I’m just asking to be bigger (or huskier or what ever the best word is) than a… Read more »
Walk by faith not by sight, sometimes what you see is not what you saw, thou what you saw you not seeing. Husky as you state woman seem to always be attracted to slim men.
Wellkeptwomen: “woman seem to always be attracted to slim men.” Wow! I hope that is true as it should work in my favor. But it does not seem to help me a lot….
As a man, I do not feel comfortable around a women who is huskier than me. I just cannot change that about myself.
Being less husky than me is NOT all i care about — it is just a starting point to other things that are important… chemistry, personality, communication, values, etc.
Drugged up, overly overweight, bitter, tempermental, needy, problematic, violent. After 35 the tables finished turning around. I don’t go out alone anymore. Women scare me now. Gay men will grope me. If I don’t talk to women in the work place they will hate me for no reason. I hate to be the guy dating women half my age. I just don’t want to be date raped again. All that is left, is just dumb, divorce and jail prone women. Yeah the occasional ugly girl with a good heart. But, they are too incapable of trusting me. And it’s a… Read more »
I sincerely doubt gay men are groping you, i think you are just trying to be phobic for no reason.
In America, people are way too judgmental when it comes to finding a partner…they say things like too young, too old, too fat, too ugly, too good looking, not good looking enough, too poor, too rich. Young afraid of older and older not interested in the same age…Look at Latin America and Eastern Europe, people date and marry by allowing people to get to know them. In America women avoid even eye contact or conversation if the person doesn’t fit a certain standard. So they keep looking everywhere and end up alone or in bad relationships.
You’re right, they walk by eye sight not with their soul.