When it comes to the race for extraordinary intimacy, the tortoise wins every time. Here’s why.
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As I write this I’m sitting in an airport on my way to give a TEDx talk titled: Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shutdown World. One of the central themes of my talk is how, as a fully impotent prostate cancer survivor, I have slowed way, way down for my female partner and what doors to truly extraordinary intimacy that opened as a result. Incidentally, if I hadn’t been struck impotent I don’t think I would have ever discovered the power of this one simple approach to intimacy. One that has changed forever my view and experience of what is possible between two people.
Men and women are, well,…different
Aside from the obvious, I’ve observed significant differences between the way men and women express and desire intimacy (in general). From a purely evolutionary standpoint, males are “wired” to spread their seed as far and often as possible. This is part of the reason why most of us are “ready” so quickly and have a sense of urgency to get down to business when we get hard. It is also, I believe, the reason why many male brains scream “harder, faster!” when we sense our partner is near climax.
What women seem to want, intimately speaking, often changes with their age.
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Thanks to my impotence I no longer have that sense of urgency and being fully present for my partner has helped me quiet that voice in my head that tells me to be more intense as things heat up. Both of these allow me to slow way, way down for her and please her in the way *she* wants. This of course ends up being its own considerable reward.
What women seem to want, intimately speaking, often changes with their age. During early child-bearing years, fast and furious (i.e. ripping each other clothes off) can be very exciting and frequent. As women mature their need and response to that kind of physical intimacy will often shift towards a gentler and slower approach, requiring more time to warm up and focus on emotional connection / intimacy. This also means that many women look to other ways of expressing physical intimacy besides intercourse as they experience pre- and post-menopause. This last fact can be particularly difficult for men to accept or acknowledge given how we are so exquisitely designed for that particular act.
No wonder guys get confused
A recent British University study showed that about 87% of all women vocalize (i.e. “moan”) during intercourse primarily to boost their man’s self-esteem and speed things up, as in “Let’s get this over with.” vs. “Oh, I LOVE it when you pound me like a jackhammer!” Unfortunately, most women are reticent to share with their lover how and what they *really* like with respect to physical intimacy. This is mostly out of fear of abandonment and/or hurting their partner’s feelings. This creates disconnect and considerable misconception as to the reality of the kinds of intimacy they prefer.
Ways of warming her up and slowing yourself down
What I’m about to share is what my partner and I do almost every time and results in lovemaking sessions that last 2 – 4 hours or more. Every woman will have her own preferences of course, I’m just sharing what works for us:
- Nurturing Shower – we start by taking turns scrubbing each other down with a luffa, primarily as a way to start getting relaxed and very present for our intimate session. And for what it’s worth, I *always* focus on her first.
- Stress Relieving Massage – we give each other full-body deep-tissue massages using a high-quality grape seed oil (which is awesome for the skin). My partner never hesitates to tell me which part of her body requires the most attention and I massage her accordingly and of course she reciprocates after I’m done.
- Intimate Touching – this can start with just a light caress of my fingertips along skin and very gentle kissing on the lips as well as other parts of her body.
At this point she is typically very ready for more overt sexual stimulation, which for us is primarily oral given that my impotence precludes my ability to penetrate. More importantly however, she finds that when I stimulate her orally *very slowly* and in tune (i.e. being fully present) with her body it allows her to reach and stay at her full potential of intimate experience over extended periods of time (my tongue never gets tired J). It is important to note here that even if I wasn’t impotent, knowing what I know now, I would still approach our intimacy in the exact same way and hold off on any penetrative activity (and my own climax) until she was completely satisfied.
Slowing down doesn’t lessen any of the fun or expression of physical intimacy, it just serves to prolong and intensify it for both parties.
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I have to say that I have never approached lovemaking like this before. Her prolonged response to this is so powerful that it has become my greatest reward. My own orgasms have *never* been so intense or long lasting as they are now (thanks, ironically to my impotence). However, my experience of them pales in comparison to the fulfillment I receive by giving to her in the way she wants.
Slowing down doesn’t lessen any of the fun or expression of physical intimacy, it just serves to prolong and intensify it for both parties. And once you go down this path, it is likely you and your partner will discover worlds of intimacy you may never even imagined possible.
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image: DepositPhoto.com
I am 82 years old. diagnosed with prostate cancer 6 years ago, had it immediately removed and am impotent. However it does “puff” up enough for a partner to enjoy it and perform oral sex for me…I am currently dating with two female partners is 76 and one 76 and do oral and digital on both to very successful orgasms and recognizing the difference between rough and gentle, vs fast and slow, I can bring both to orgasms within a couple minutes by having learned where and how to touch. However second orgasms much long because of “edging” and prolonging… Read more »
My previous partner was also my first love..we remet after 42 years this past 2 years…both of us lived and loved in non intimate relationships rearing families working hard putting our own spiritual and physical needs under the bed.. When we remet he too is unable to maintain an erection due to afib and heart issues but our love making like you stated has levels of intimacy and closeness beyond either of our expectations or knowledge .. it has become organic..We often have seesions that last an entire morning or have interludes throughout the night..The closeness and safety and trust… Read more »
I think it’s great that you’ve managed to turn an unfortunate health problem into something that clearly works well for both of you. I don’t know that I fully agree that it’s simply a matter of men and women being different, as much as people in general being different. But you two seem to have hit on something you both enjoy similarly. My wife follows the pattern that you associate with women. A slow build up, bath, massage, etc… that works for her. Not that I don’t enjoy it too. I suppose I fit the model you associate with men.… Read more »
FlyingKal –if you are a “failure” as a man then count me as one also. I don’t see how you are showing up as the problem. Trust me, there are women out there that would kill to have a man with your sensibilities towards women. I suggest that the real issue is that you are settling for or pursuing the wrong type of women. It has been my experience that most men and women don’t bother to really define who they want to share their life with –waiting instead to meet someone with the right “chemistry”. Suggest you write down… Read more »
Hi, and thank you for your kind, supporting words. And I guess you’re right, but I’m rapidly approaching the age of 45 and it’s the beter part of a decade since I last intimately touched a woman, so I sure as h@ll haven’t expected anyone to show up for quite some time now. Funny thing is, that I pursue an active outdoor life in my recreational time, and even if it’s a heavily male-dominated area, for some reason I seem to attract way more women than men, of all ages, as my partners in this pursuit. And even as I… Read more »
If what you cite from the British study is correct, the real challenge with “slowing way, way down for extraordinary intimacy” would be to find a woman actually admitting to enjoying it… 😉
Actually, it’s more of her authentically letting you know what she wants and how she wants it –something I had to learn the long, hard way…
Yeah, I got that. But still, if 7 out of 8 are reluctant to even do that, I maintain that the chance to hit the proverbial spot seems pretty slim… Yes, I readily admit that this kind of rubs me the wrong way. Because all my life, any relationship I’ve been in, I have been the one wanting to take things slow, take any time needed and let things develop for the satisfaction of both involved. But I’ve always been told in return, “We don’t have time. You don’t really have to do that. It’s not gonna work anyway…” I’ve… Read more »