When it comes to the race for extraordinary intimacy, the tortoise wins every time. Here’s why.
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As I write this I’m sitting in an airport on my way to give a TEDx talk titled: Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shutdown World. One of the central themes of my talk is how, as a fully impotent prostate cancer survivor, I have slowed way, way down for my female partner and what doors to truly extraordinary intimacy that opened as a result. Incidentally, if I hadn’t been struck impotent I don’t think I would have ever discovered the power of this one simple approach to intimacy. One that has changed forever my view and experience of what is possible between two people.
Men and women are, well,…different
Aside from the obvious, I’ve observed significant differences between the way men and women express and desire intimacy (in general). From a purely evolutionary standpoint, males are “wired” to spread their seed as far and often as possible. This is part of the reason why most of us are “ready” so quickly and have a sense of urgency to get down to business when we get hard. It is also, I believe, the reason why many male brains scream “harder, faster!” when we sense our partner is near climax.
Thanks to my impotence I no longer have that sense of urgency and being fully present for my partner has helped me quiet that voice in my head that tells me to be more intense as things heat up. Both of these allow me to slow way, way down for her and please her in the way *she* wants. This of course ends up being its own considerable reward.
What women seem to want, intimately speaking, often changes with their age. During early child-bearing years, fast and furious (i.e. ripping each other clothes off) can be very exciting and frequent. As women mature their need and response to that kind of physical intimacy will often shift towards a gentler and slower approach, requiring more time to warm up and focus on emotional connection / intimacy. This also means that many women look to other ways of expressing physical intimacy besides intercourse as they experience pre- and post-menopause. This last fact can be particularly difficult for men to accept or acknowledge given how we are so exquisitely designed for that particular act.
No wonder guys get confused
A recent British University study showed that about 87% of all women vocalize (i.e. “moan”) during intercourse primarily to boost their man’s self-esteem and speed things up, as in “Let’s get this over with.” vs. “Oh, I LOVE it when you pound me like a jackhammer!” Unfortunately, most women are reticent to share with their lover how and what they *really* like with respect to physical intimacy. This is mostly out of fear of abandonment and/or hurting their partner’s feelings. This creates disconnect and considerable misconception as to the reality of the kinds of intimacy they prefer.
Ways of warming her up and slowing yourself down
What I’m about to share is what my partner and I do almost every time and results in lovemaking sessions that last 2 – 4 hours or more. Every woman will have her own preferences of course, I’m just sharing what works for us:
- Nurturing Shower – we start by taking turns scrubbing each other down with a luffa, primarily as a way to start getting relaxed and very present for our intimate session. And for what it’s worth, I *always* focus on her first.
- Stress Relieving Massage – we give each other full-body deep-tissue massages using a high-quality grape seed oil (which is awesome for the skin). My partner never hesitates to tell me which part of her body requires the most attention and I massage her accordingly and of course she reciprocates after I’m done.
- Intimate Touching – this can start with just a light caress of my fingertips along skin and very gentle kissing on the lips as well as other parts of her body.
At this point she is typically very ready for more overt sexual stimulation, which for us is primarily oral given that my impotence precludes my ability to penetrate. More importantly however, she finds that when I stimulate her orally *very slowly* and in tune (i.e. being fully present) with her body it allows her to reach and stay at her full potential of intimate experience over extended periods of time (my tongue never gets tired J). It is important to note here that even if I wasn’t impotent, knowing what I know now, I would still approach our intimacy in the exact same way and hold off on any penetrative activity (and my own climax) until she was completely satisfied.
I have to say that I have never approached lovemaking like this before. Her prolonged response to this is so powerful that it has become my greatest reward. My own orgasms have *never* been so intense or long lasting as they are now (thanks, ironically to my impotence). However, my experience of them pales in comparison to the fulfillment I receive by giving to her in the way she wants.
Slowing down doesn’t lessen any of the fun or expression of physical intimacy, it just serves to prolong and intensify it for both parties. And once you go down this path, it is likely you and your partner will discover worlds of intimacy you may never even imagined possible.
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