I just found out – and feel like a doofus because I’ve known them for months and never asked or suspected – that one of the people I’ve talked to a lot recently (my sister’s flat-mate in London) prefers the name “Charlie” to their birth one. Turns out this person is gender-fluid. When the subject – months delayed – finally came up, they said they’re okay with any pronouns – “he”, “she”, or “they”.
For ease of reading, I’m just going to use “they”.
Was finding this out disconcerting? No! Do I think there’s anything wrong with this? Of course not.
But – as much as I like to pride myself on being forward-thinking and all the like – I WAS surprised by this. As in, totally caught unawares. Didn’t even suspect the slightest hint of it. Now, why’s that?
The problem with our society – well, okay, one of the problems with our society – is that we assume that everyone’s gender-binary, unless perhaps they have both a beard and large breasts and are wearing a shirt with the transgender pride flag. We’ve been trained to self-assess (and assume) a person’s gender the moment we meet them. And we’ve been trained to jam people into one of two boxes – both of which, honestly, might not even quite fit the majority of the population.
For me, this was a real wake-up call. In a good way. Here I am, a columnist on the GMP writing about transgender and non-binary issues in my own experience, and I neglected to ask – or even think about – the pronouns of someone who’s incredibly active on our COVID-style WhatsApp groups. An oversight? Hardly. It’s more like a failure of the core of our society.
As soon as I learned about Charlie, I dug into a lot of my social media channels and made some changes myself. Like adding an email signature with my pronouns. I’d never used one before, but from what I’d read, it’s one of the best ways to spread the knowledge that pronouns aren’t something you should just assume. They could be anything, and you’ll never know unless you ask about them. Charlie’s preferred pronouns (in their own words) are “they/he/she/your majesty” 😉
I just want to conclude on a note that’s been bothering me. Which is: the pronouns that my family uses for Charlie. They are all very good at using the name “Charlie” rather than Charlie’s birth one, which is NOT gender-neutral. However, after Charlie’s coming out as non-binary, they’ve all continued to refer to them by the gender-specific pronouns they were using before, not “they”.
Their defense: Charlie is “okay with anything”. Sure. But Charlie is also gender-fluid, which means that sometimes they feel more like a boy, sometimes more like a girl. Stubbornly using “he” or “she” to correspond to their biological sex isn’t just disrespectful; it’s wrong. Only Charlie knows which pronouns would fit them best at that moment!
TL;DR: always ask somebody’s pronouns. Non-binary people could be ANYONE, and they DON’T have to dress androgynously! Don’t be a doofus like Jane was! 😉
~Jane Sofia Struthers
(pronouns: she/her/hers/“your majesty” works as well!)
Update from October 2020: since I came back from Brazil, my mom and dad have been MUCH better at calling Charlie “them”. In fact, my mom – who used to use the wrong pronouns 100% of the time and take umbrage if anyone corrected her – told me all about how she was helping them deal with their venomous landlord, referring to them as “them” all the while. Our society is getting there, I hope!
—
This post is republished on Medium.