Amy Daves explores how the sexual abuse of boys by adult females is often dismissed if the perpetrator is attractive.
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A few weeks ago, a Tacoma Washington high school math teacher was accused of, and confessed to, sexually abusing three teenaged students. In many aspects, this is not an uncommon story. Children are sexually abused every day, and society is arguably intolerant of any man who would engage in an inappropriate relationship of any type with a child, boy or girl. We are particularly incensed by those in trusted positions – be they priests, parents, teachers, employers – who would use their charges to gratify their own sexual needs.
This story, however, is less common in that the abuser is a female. It is not clear whether or not it actually happens less, or if it is simply reported less, that a female teacher would engage in sexual behavior with a student. What is clear, however, is that many people in our society have drastically different standards for male and female perpetrators, and likewise, different standards for male victims and female victims. It is important to note that for the purpose of this article, the word “victim” is not dependent upon the present state of mind of the victim, but rather as an identifier for the person involved in the crime who is defined by the
law as having significantly less power in the relationship than the perpetrator.
Remarkably, many people in the community are chiming in on this case, questioning the accusation by way of challenging the definition of abuse. Apparently, due to the fact that this teacher was female, and young, and arguably attractive, and that the victims are high school aged young men, the definition of abuse is challenged, and the actions of the teacher are redefined by some as an “opportunity.” A Facebook page was created in support of the teacher, and has at this writing 902 followers, many holding the students responsible and dismissing the teacher’s behavior as circumstantial and understandable, as she is “hot.”
A common sentiment among news clip comments is, “where were these teachers when ‘I’ was a 15 year old boy…” and, “I’d like to register as a student at that school.” These statements of bravado are largely unchallenged, which speaks loudly of a culture that would encourage boys to be sexually educated at a young age, even exploited, to perpetuate an image of virility, experience, and prowess.
In case anyone local might want to converse with their children, who undoubtedly will hear about this case from school friends who think that sex with a cute 24 year old math teacher might be groovy, here is why cute (or otherwise) teachers having sex with their students is a problem. Sex cannot be consensual when one person holds significant power over the other. In this case, both age and teacher/student eliminate the 15 year old students’ power. So while it might physically “feel” good, on a deeper emotional and psychological level where children are supposed to be ‘taken care of’ by adults and teachers, this teacher took advantage of her power to get her narcissistic needs met. This is not OK. Let’s make sure all of our children understand this….because plenty of tough guy kids and ignorant parents will blow this one off as “boys will be boys.”
Unfortunately, if we continue to dismiss the actions of the teacher (who was released from jail without bail and allowed to live with her mother and under-aged siblings until the trial) and to dismiss the sentiments of society who would either high five the victims or blame them, we will continue to perpetuate a society that sexualizes our children and disallows psychological, sexual, physical and mental boundaries for both males and females. Our boys, our children, deserve more from us.
While it is crucial that boys and girls are taught sexual limits and boundaries, and taught responsibility with the natural urges of their libido, it is always the teacher’s responsibility to hold the boundary, regardless of a child’s misplaced affections and actions. To do anything otherwise is to take advantage of a child’s vulnerability as a youth and as a student for the purposes of his or her own gratification. As a society we cannot afford to minimize the significant importance of such a boundary. We must send clear messages to our boys that fantasy is not reality, help them deal appropriately with their sexual feelings, and most importantly, we must reinforce our beliefs that teachers must not engage romantically or sexually with students under any circumstance. We will not be able to control for all events, but as a society we have an obligation to be clear of our expectations, not muddy the water with excuses and dual messages.
Photo: MyVirtualLady/Flickr
Fellow I work with on occasion opened my eyes to long term effects of this sort of behavior. He was telling me how his son who just turned 16 was having sexual relations with SEVERAL women in their 20’s. I was somewhat shocked and asked him “You don’t do anything to stop this?” He looked at me somewhat surprised and said no. He told me how he left home at 16 and by the time he was 17 he had his own place and he was juggling 3 women. One was early 20’s , another was in her late 20’s… Read more »
In my high school almost 30 years ago, one of the female science teachers was a perpetrator. She had a special relationship with one boy every year-who always put an adoring photograph of her on his senior year book page. One of my classmates was one of her victims. Many faculty members were suspicious of her but it took them a good 10 years or more before they asked her to move on. No charges ever made, no accusations-though most students knew she was having sexual relationships with male students. Another male teacher liked to have lots of boys over… Read more »
I have a similar memory from my own high school – unfortunately.
‘A Facebook page was created in support of the teacher, and has at this writing 902 followers, many holding the students responsible and dismissing the teacher’s behavior as circumstantial and understandable, as she is “hot.”’
Let me guess… this facebook page was made by a man… and most if not all the supporters are also male…
The page was created by one of the teacher’s female students.
I went back and read the quote again – and I think you may be on to something there. “…. defined by the law” – I do think, though, that independent of the law, there is a truth that when someone has authority over another, as clearly as a teacher has over a student, damage is done – regardless of the law or popular opinion. Good noticing Theorema.
What,if anything,is the therapist community doing about this?
I’m writing articles.
I’d love to hear what you might recommend?
Hey ogwriter, long time no see. hope things are well with you? “therapist community?” It depends on which “community” you’re speaking of. As you may well know, some of the more progressives may look at this behavior as being normal. Heck, watch the interview Barbara Walter did years ago on with Mary Kay Letourneau … almost put her on a pedestal.
Hello ogwriter, MaleSurvivor.org and our partners are working hard to provide education and awareness to the therapist community (as well as law enforcement, military, educational, and other communities) about this topic and many other dynamics of male survivors. Also there is a growing awareness of the issue of female perpetration and the double standards of enforcement when it comes to female perpetrators in all of these communities. There is also a growing body of research that shows that there are more female perpetrators of sexual abuse than previously believed. To a certain extent this is because people are beginning to… Read more »
Fascinating! What is clear, however, is that many people in our society have drastically different standards for male and female perpetrators, and likewise, different standards for male victims and female victims. It is important to note that for the purpose of this article, the word “victim” is not dependent upon the present state of mind of the victim, but rather as an identifier for the person involved in the crime who is defined by the law as having significantly less power in the relationship than the perpetrator. If I read this correctly you mean to say that even you cannot… Read more »
I strongly believe that regardless of what the victim reports or what is projected on to him, or her….anyone abused by authority is harmed….as is society. If something about that quote misleads the reader to believe that I think otherwise, hopefully I have clarified.
“We don’t judge an act as wrong merely because a law says so after all, do we? It’s rather the other way around” Actually this is far from the case. Just look at history. men throughout history thought raping a woman was okay as long as you were married to her. This was moral. men didn’t feel that this was somehow wrong at its core. THERE WAS ABOSLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS in the minds of men. If men actually had a moral objection, marital rape would have never been made law. The only reason men NOW think it is… Read more »
Bobbt, have you information on what men, with similar accusations were given?
There’s a 28 year old (I think) male teacher right now on trial for having sex with a female student. She was either 16 (according to the prosecutor) or 17 (according to the defense). If found guilty, he’s looking at 8 years behind bars.
I don’t think there is a double standard at all.
I remember a few years ago see a program on TV about this subject. They had a different take on it that made me go ‘hmmm never thought about it that way” There premise was that if we viewed males the way we view females then Brad Pitt could never be a pedophile or rapist. WHY???? Their theory was because most women and girls in western society find Brad Pitt sexy and fantasize about having sex with him and that if they ever had sex with him their friends would be jealous/envious of them and that this fact alone means… Read more »
thanks for breaking the silence on female abuse. In answer to your question, about 40% of the sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by women, usually their mother but female teachers do this a lot more than it is reported.
It goes beyond weather the ‘perp’ is cute. here in my part of the world (the opposite coast) there were 3 cases that made the news last year. One was a special ed. T.A. (about 40) who was doing it with her special ed student(all of 14,her teenage son was a student in the same school!) Another was ‘taking care’ of a fifteen y.o., still another had a student for 2 years! The 2 common denominators, none of them would grace any magazine covers, and none of them spent a DAY in jail. That’s right, they were sentenced to ‘time… Read more »
Yes. Men are so disposable they are creating facebook pages to support the perp. Men are so disposable they are wishing they were the highschooler. Men are so disposable that they are the majority that not only are turning a blind eye to it but are ENCOURAGING it.
@ Lynn
How does that not make men disposable? Would you blame women’s eating disorders on magazine covers or on the women?
I appreciate this viewpoint. When I was 17 in highschool, I had an algebra teacher (that was also the cheeleading coach) who was 22. She had finished college quickly and found a job quickly. There were only 5 years between us, and it showed. She was quite immature, and would talk about getting her tan, and about other ‘silly’ things. But that woman definitely had power over me. She was very good looking, and wore form-fitting, yet modest dresses. Thinking back on it now, it was a combination of her looks and the fact that she was my teacher and… Read more »
Lack of maturity is often a factor….the need for attention from youth. Thank you for your thoughts here.
women’s looks hold NO POWER over men.. Men’s libido’s hold power over men.
Her professional position gave her power over you, but not YOUR attraction to her. That wasn’t her face, it was your libido.
This is the problem with parents not explaining to their kids about sex and instead falling back on the old superstitions.
It’s not pollen’s fault for giving you alergies, it’s your body’s hyper immune response that is at fault. This should be explain to children of sexual maturity. urges come from INSIDE – don’t mistake the external factors for the cause.
25 “Let not thine heart decline to her ways, go not astray in her paths. 26 For she hath cast down many wounded: yea, many strong men have been slain by her. 27 Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death.” Proverbs 7:25-27
Thank you, Amy for bringing attention to this type of mis-use of power, a teacher over a student.
I believe it is wrong for adults to engage with children and or teens in a sexual manner.
and yes, just because she is cute doesn’t mean that she does not have to comply to the same standards as a less attractive female and actually, even writing that makes me a tad upset.
Thank you Frieda – and I’m GLAD it makes you upset to have to make the statement.