David Pisarra sees the changes in the way men and dads are perceived, he sees the changes in the homes and courts—and he gives credit to feminism for helping to make that happen.
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Last month I interviewed Lisa Hickey, Publisher of the GoodMenProject.com for my podcast, Men’s Family Law. The interview focused on the ways in which our society has changed over the past few decades and what GMP is doing to help that change by hosting the conversation that men weren’t having previously.
As is often the case after I interview someone, I keep thinking about what we discussed. During the interview we chatted about how the gay rights movement and shows like Modern Family have made it more acceptable for men to be stay at home dads, but as I kept mulling things over I realized that was only part of the driving force. There was more, and it came from an unlikely source—feminists.
Today men are making the choices made possible by the feminist movement. As a gay divorce lawyer fighting for father’s rights in a society that is still trying to figure out what being a man in the 21st century means, I can tell you there is a sea change in the way that men are being perceived and what is acceptable, but more importantly what is supported by the courts.
When women started demanding an equal role in the workforce and equal pay, they were faced with the choice of being a stay at home mom, or a career woman. At first the career woman was not a popular, or even accepted choice. But time and experience have changed society’s perceptions and expectations. Today men across the country are the unintended beneficiaries of the feminist movement.
Men are now facing the same decisions that women face: be a stay at home parent or be a career person. It’s still more socially acceptable to be a career man, and oftentimes more profitable for the family since women still have a pay gap. However, more men are owning their desire to be a stay at home dad and recognizing the benefits to themselves and their children from having dad around more.
I’m not a dad, but I fight for fathers to get more time with their children and oftentimes it is a losing battle. The losing battles are very emotionally draining for me. I want to see more men take a larger and more active role in their children’s lives and the courts and society do their best to make that difficult. From questioning the masculinity of a man who wants to stay home, to the gender bias that women are ‘just better’ as parents, society sets men up to take a less active role in their children’s lives.
This year a friend of mine had a daughter in March. He’s lucky in that he’s financially able to not work if he so chooses. He was offered a high paying, prestigious position with an up and coming company. He was facing the dilemma that many women today, and a few men are; Work, or Stay At Home. It was a hard choice for him, but he decided he’d rather be a stay at home dad and be an emotional provider for his daughter at this crucial time in her life.
I can only describe my reaction to his decision as glee. I was so happy for him and his ability to move beyond the tried and true boundaries of what it means to be a husband and father in America. He’s on the cutting edge of manhood today. I was so proud of him for putting his family first in a way that would have been easy to avoid. Taking the high paying job would have been lucrative and no one would look down on him. But quite a few people would question his decision to stay home.
Thankfully, the men’s group we’re part of wasn’t one of them. The reaction that he received and the support that he received tells me that the work I do, as painful and draining as it can be, is important. Not just for the fathers I represent but for the world in which we live. The role of men in child-rearing is changing dramatically, and it’s because some men are willing to stand up and say they want to be the stay at home parent, and that will make a huge difference in the world we live in a decade or two from now.
It’s pretty funny to me that I’m writing this, as I’m often told that I hate women. Being a gay man fighting for men’s rights I suppose that comes with the territory, but the reality is that I’m just continuing the fight of Betty Freidan, Gloria Steinem, and the many women who worked for gender equality throughout the ages.
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Photo: devinf / Flickr / creative commons license
I don’t think Friedan and the second-wavers deserve that much credit for it. The push for equal parental leave only really seems to be kicking off now. – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/stay-at-home-dads-should-thank-betty-friedan-and-co-gmp/#sthash.3dmtDKpt.dpuf Credit or blame? Ms. Friedan advocated for women to move from the house to the workplace; to take an equal position in the competitive work world. Women did this in droves leaving a parental vacuum for children in the home and I don’t mean the one that cleans the carpets. So in typical problem solving fashion men have stepped up to fill that void for their children. The… Read more »
I don’t think Friedan and the second-wavers deserve that much credit for it. The push for equal parental leave only really seems to be kicking off now.
There is more than one way to seek equality – you can simply extend the status quo to everyone, or you can reformulate the status quo while making it available for everyone. Friedan and the second wavers plumped for the former. Very good for capitalism, perhaps – not so good for common folk.
Today men across the country are the unintended beneficiaries of the feminist movement. – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/stay-at-home-dads-should-thank-betty-friedan-and-co-gmp/#sthash.6gLVuzWJ.dpuf
Read this article and tell me how much women really like trudging off to 10 hour days at the office leaving behind their toddler as their no account stay at home/househusband and dad waves goodbye in his pajamas with toddler in tow: http://boards.askmen.com/showthread.php?57450-Secret-lives-of-breadwinner-wives.
The divorce rate has skyrocketed since the rise of “modern” feminism leaving children to be raised in single parent households. Yes, thank you Betty, all those children from broken homes thank you too. – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/stay-at-home-dads-should-thank-betty-friedan-and-co-gmp/comment-page-1/#comment-1390949
Today men across the country are the unintended beneficiaries of the feminist movement.
Hold on.
Now I’ve been told that feminism is about equality for all people. If that is true then how can the benefits that men get from feminism be “unintended”? Wouldn’t they have been a part of the plan in the first place? Or are we saying that feminists simply did not know or understand that the things they were doing would benefit men?
@ Danny
The problem has always been how the feminists define equality. When you want to claim that you’re for equality, but really aren’t, you develop a concept like privilege which you can use to justify treating people unequally, but still claim you’re for “equality”.
I think it’s how you define credit. If you mean did they give the world a new way of seeing things which caused men to be introspective and fight for their right to be what they want, then I’m thinking OK. If your saying that feminists actively made things better and possible for SAHDs, you’re way off base. Some feminists most notably the younger 3rd wave feminists have started to move toward the MRM position (I think it’s more because society has moved toward the MRM position and why be on the wrong side of history, revisionism.), but most feminists… Read more »
MRM– is that Men’s Rights Movement? God forbid we have such a thing. I mean on its face it seems to have merit. What could possibly be wrong with a movement that seeks to protect and advance the rights of men, particularly in light of the fact that the women’s rights movement has recklessly run rough shod over the rights of men for the last 40 years or so. Women have gotten everything they have sought and they’re still not happy. They have achieved these things in a relatively short period of time especially in the United States. You would… Read more »
A stay at home parent these days is a luxury. And somewhere along the way,the message that women have a choice between SAHM and a career was obviously lost. Yet, back in the day, that was what feminists came out of the gate saying but that message changed to where women can do it all, a career and being the caregiver of their kids. I remember when feminists would push the idea of “quality of time” with the kids was more important and better for the kids then “quantity” of time.There have been countless considerations given to women so that… Read more »
excluded from the conversation again!!!
David, I just want to thank you for the work that you do. Your name should definitely be included in one of these lists of most important people. The thought of all those children for whom you have ensured a happier life is certainly the highlight of my day. Just yesterday I was saying in an abortion debate that any discussion about the rights of foetuses is pointless as long as we as a society are failing the already born children in the stark way that we are doing at the moment. The way that society currently looks at fathers… Read more »
Today men across the country are the unintended beneficiaries of the feminist movement. – See more at: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/stay-at-home-dads-should-thank-betty-friedan-and-co-gmp/#sthash.6gLVuzWJ.dpuf This depends on your perspective and what your life goals are. My acquiescence to my now ex-wife’s career aspirations resulted in irreparable harm to my own career goals forcing me into a secondary earner/primary caregiver role and my now ex wife into a primary breadwinner/secondary caregiver role that neither one of us ended up particularly liking and ultimately resulting in the demise of our family to the detriment of everyone, especially my kids. So pardon me if I really don’t feel all… Read more »