Sara has been dating Kaleb for fourteen months and everything seemed great until it wasn’t. They shared a two-bedroom apartment with their two dogs.
Their sex life was solid and their careers were booming. Then Sara noticed Kaleb was withdrawing his affection. At first, she thought it was his work. Then, the sex started to go down too. She suggested therapy and he agreed.
Kaleb wasn’t cheating, nor was he watching porn. He respected Sara if truth be told and he never gave her a reason to question his loyalty. But Sara kept complaining about his emotional detachment.
At first, I thought he didn’t want the relationship with Sara anymore. Maybe he had another woman, or a family perhaps, that Sara wasn’t aware of. I mean that’s a logical conclusion we arrive at when a guy isn’t paying attention to us as much as we want, right?
Sara was miserable. She loved this guy, but he wasn’t showing the same interest as she was. So, I did what any sensible friend would do. “Move on girlfriend. He’s just isn’t worth the pain,” I said. In a bid to console her after she had one of her meltdowns.
My friend obeyed. I tried to cheer her up. Booked us a couples spa session and flew to San Diego for the weekend. I introduced her to some of my male model friends. Girls do know how to party in pain. Trust me!
We hit 5th Avenue, there is a nightclub for prestigious folks. Special invites only. It was one of those exquisite mask ball parties. The hosts were French couples unveiling their new lingerie line.
We dolled up. Sara wore a gold Disney quinceañera dress with a golden mask and black gloves. Her cleavage pushed up for all to see and behold. I picked her dress myself. I dressed her up like a Disney Princess. I wanted her to be the center of attraction. That night was all about her.
The thing I love about masquerade parties is the mystery and secrecy of the atmosphere. No one knows you. Your appearance is what captivates people until the magical time when everyone unveils their masks.
Sara got the attention she needed. Her confidence began to return. She felt worthy like she actually belongs there. We were chatting and giggling with a group of gentlemen in tux until one took a keen interest in Sara.
He leads her to the dance floor. They looked cozy, yet formal. I made my way to the left wing of the ballroom. The folks there were pretty much wasted. I went back downstairs.
I was about to walk down the last staircase when I saw Sara coming up with the gentleman she was dancing with early. We winked at each other and continued walking in a different direction.
That was how Sara met Stanislav, a 64-year-old divorcè, born and raised in Vienna- who owns a multi-million dollar conglomerate in Austria. They have been married for four months now. Sara is happy and the rest is history.
If you are in a relationship with a guy who treats you like crap, it’s time you changed your strategy. And if you need help with getting a man’s attention, try these tips below.
Stop talking about the problem
If talking changes behavior, the world will be a better place. Talking to your man about the problem you have in your relationship might change things for a few days, but when things seem like they are getting back on track, he goes right back to where he started.
Sometimes asking a guy to change makes things a lot harder. And when you try to convince him about your points, makes things worst.
Rather than telling him how disappointed you are, stop talking about the problem completely. Stop talking about how he’s acting definitely.
Act as if you’ve forgotten about it. Like you don’t notice the issue anymore or that it doesn’t bother you. When you do this, he will notice something is up and start seeking your attention.
Give him time to reflect
Relationships are all about time. For tip number one to work, you must give yourself a time frame so he can reflect on your new habit.
If it’s a new problem in the relationship, you can assume he needs time to adjust and make the changes you are asking for.
Don’t give him a time frame to fix the problem because he will feel threatened. Some women will be like “Dan, I’m giving you three weeks to get your act together.” Using this tone will only make things more complicated.
This strategy will be effective if he doesn’t know about your time frame. But keep in mind that you need to give him a space of two to four weeks, not talking about the problem. Doing this will make him feel like his worth the wait.
Act indifferent with him
Some guys won’t talk to you seriously if you are letting them get away with bad habits. You need to show him you are unbothered but at the same time deprive him of certain emotional gestures.
You should stop texting him and asking how he’s doing. When he starts a conversation, respond in short sentences and reply to his question in the same manner.
When you are indifferent, you lack interest or enthusiasm to connect with him. Showing him you don’t care about what happens in his life will make him restless. It will force him to search inwardly for what he’s doing wrong to warrant your new attitude.
Acting indifferent to him is the most powerful change agent you have over a man. It works so well because that is what men are most afraid of. There is no worst feeling than knowing the person who once loved and cared for you doesn’t care anymore.
Ghost him for a while
I know some people think it’s cowardly to ghost people. But in reality, it’s also a powerful way to get someone’s attention.
I do tell my girls, if your man isn’t giving you his attention, then play his game and he will come crushing on you.
And it always works. When Sara started dating Stanislav, Kaleb got worried about her silence. He chatted Sara to know how she was doing, but she ignored him.
He went to her house, but she wasn’t there. He called Sara’s friends to find out her whereabouts, but they didn’t know where she was either. I was the only one who knew she was out of the country with Stanislav.
When people treat you like you don’t matter, make them feel your absence and you will start to matter to them.
Prioritize yourself no matter what
In a relationship, you are the price. Regardless of how a man treats you, you must learn to put yourself first.
It’s common for most people to focus on their partner at the expense of taking care of themselves and this is why they feel neglected. Especially, if there is a problem, you want to do anything to make him happy so you sacrifice everything you need to do to stay psychologically and physically healthy.
If you really want to get a man’s attention, you have to start prioritizing yourself. Treat yourself as if you are the most important person in the world. Engage in activities that focus on personal growth, happiness, and self-love.
This means you are going to give yourself uncritical love and acceptance. You will prioritize yourself in a confident and self-loving way.
Focus on the things that bring out your uniqueness. And resurrect your social life outside of his. You can return to your previous life, the one you had before you met him. Keep yourself busy to avoid thinking about him.
When you do these you are showing him you’re a high-value woman with an exciting life. By prioritizing yourself and practicing self-love, you build an irresistible aura around you.
Raise your standards higher
When you are with a partner who no longer prioritizes you or the relationship, you probably already compromised your standards and values. Or if you are at the point that anything is better than losing him, then it’s time you step up your standards and expectations.
If you followed the four steps discussed early, he’s going to notice your changes and then he will either step up and become more responsible and loving to you or he’s going to bring up the changes he noticed and want to have a conversation about it.
Now is your time to you discuss what you want and what your expectations are for the relationship. Make sure to bring up those times you felt he took you for granted and the bad behaviors he needs to change.
This is the best time to let him know that if he isn’t going to change or meet your expectations, you are willing to walk away. Don’t try to bargain with yourself whether he will change or not because this will only complicate the situation.
He has to know you are not willing to settle. That you won’t tolerate behaviors or actions of his that don’t agree with your values. Then he will step up his game and accept the challenge. But he will only change if you are willing to walk away from something that isn’t right for you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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