My coming out has been an interesting journey, and I have often found difficulty in identifying with the LGBTQ2+ community. There are now more characters in the acronym than my name, yet I feel there are probably millions of questioning people who struggle to fit into the mix. And that’s OK.
Labels aren’t the greatest thing to ever grace humanity. Nor are the communities that strive for inclusion, but may end up separating us even further in the process. But this is not a story about segregation. This is a petition to stop the use of a few simple statements which I have heard spoken to me, about me, or about the ones I love. Such statements, I believe, are unwarranted and nonsensical.
Any variety of the statement of ending up, winding up, or turning up gay, bothers me. It doesn’t offend me. People mean no malice by using such phrases, and I’m comfortable enough in who I am to accept that. But what bothers me is that people try to leverage sexual orientation as an explanation for behaviors or events in the past. In my experience, more than nine times out of ten, they’re completely wrong.
I have a sibling who came out years ago as gay, and I’ve heard many friends and close family members try exhaustively to put all the pieces of his life together to make sense of it. For example, they would say things like “Oh yeah. Of course he didn’t like sports. He ended up being gay”. Which, to me, is the silliest thing you can try to reason with.
My brother didn’t like playing soccer when he was 7 because that sport wasn’t entertaining for him. He didn’t enjoy the game. It did not match his skill set. Rationalizing why somebody doesn’t like a sport because of their sexual orientation is, quite frankly, idiotic.
Sexuality has no influence in physical prowess or interest in sports. The two “impulses” engage totally different regions of the brain. Our simpleton minds try so hard to make sense of the world, and for whatever reason, sexual orientation seems to be a common excuse for many things in life. I hope to dispel that.
When a close friend tried understanding one of my previously failed relationships, it was my “ending up being gay” that made the most sense to them. But that was not the case. I could just as easily have ended up with a woman or man and lived a happy, loving life. The reason why my previous relationship ended was because I didn’t see long-term compatibility, and differences in future expectation rendered us unsuitable for the long haul. Simple as that.
When people try to use my current orientation as a reason for why I didn’t like certain things, why I failed some people, or why they failed me, it sounds stupid. Am I not allowed to like and dislike something just like any other human? Is my brother not allowed to pick and choose whatever sports he feels are in his wheelhouse regardless of the expectation of others?
As I mentioned before, I hold no contempt for the people in my life who have used the phrases or statements explained above. I dissect such statements now with a clarity and peace from knowing they have always been used innocently, and with no mal-intention. People just crave understanding, and I get that. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy seeing these statements completely kiboshed from the conversation.
When you assume people possess certain traits and propensities to like or dislike people, places, or things because of their orientation, you make your own mistake. You churn up what are otherwise fairly clear waters.
Let me tell you plainly, you don’t have to psychoanalyze every facet of somebody’s life just because they “ended up” deviating from the societal norm of sexuality. I bet many members of the community did not even come to terms with their own identity or discover their sexuality until well into their adulthood. Such things do not happen over night, and can take many years to fully adopt.
With all that being said, from somebody on the inside, I appreciate your curiosities about my life. I appreciate you trying to understand what may have gone astray in my past to explain who I am, or vice versa. But there really is no need for it. I have made every decision in my life in a similar fashion to how you have made yours, and I am still learning what makes me me.
What I can say is that I did not like certain sports, activities, or people based on my own volition and preferences. My sexuality had no bearing in how I chose to live my life. It only made a difference in who I fell in love with and chose to pursue a life with. In basically every other respect, my life was no different.
May we all enjoy our sexualities in peace. May our pasts be a pleasant mystery. And, better yet, may we accept that who we are as people is not constantly entrenched in who we lay with in the bedroom.
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This post was previously published on Equality Includes You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Active For Life