Do you feel you have the right to set limits? Do you have the right to request what you want? Do you have the right to defend yourself when someone is not being respectful?
Boundary infractions typically occur, and continue, if you let them. If you are able to respond assertively when an infraction occurs, this tends to reduce the likelihood of a further occurrence.
If it doesn’t, then you move on to consequences to enforce the boundary. In intimate relationships this might mean, at the extreme, that you leave the relationship.
The longer one is in a boundary violating situation, the more difficult it is to enact change.
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In my practice, I see people, intelligent people, who let their partners walk all over them. The victim is not able to protect themselves because of previous life experience (e.g., learned helplessness), or shock at never having been treated this way before, or believing that the person needs understanding and a non-confrontational approach to work out their hurtful behavior. These approaches rarely work.
The longer one is in a boundary violating situation, the more difficult it is to enact change. Learning to set boundaries is all well and good, but are you prepared for the reaction from your partner? Assuming there is no physical violence in the relationship, the response from the other will be shock, disbelief and an escalation of the boundary crossing behavior.
This is the time for a large dollop of courage, fortitude, and persistence. If you are able to maintain your stance, eventually the other will get that the relationship dynamics have changed. In a sense, it only takes one person to make a change to change the relationship.
When you say no clearly and respectfully while outlining your needs, you become empowered. Setting boundaries eliminates relationship busting troubles and sets the stage for a healthy partnership.
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Photo: Flickr/Torbakhopper HE DEAD/God as a compass:Dolores Park (2012)
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I have to set boundaries with my kids father, but I am afraid of losing him.
Are you going to write an update article to follow up on the “I’m no longer in love with you” bombshell your wife dropped on you back in February?
Yes. Probably for next week ( Saturday October 18th).
The concept of boundaries is lovely, but there are people who seem to abuse this concept. For instance, setting your boundaries as requesting the other behave unlike themselves (asking an extrovert to stop talking so much, but still asking them to be around you, or vice versa). Is there just a point where boundaries become more than just boundaries? What would be considered “unreasonable” for boundaries? Is there just a point when boundaries become so overwhelming to obey that any sort of relationship between the two people is not worth it?
Good point Evelyn. Boundaries could be used to control the other person. This where communication comes in. Having a deep conversation about internal processes. Also, compromise is essential for long-term success in a relationship. Flexibility is useful too. People can change over time. For me, it is knowing what my must haves are, and what are my, would be nice to have but I can live without ideas of how the other person interacts with me. Finally, I try to come back to love. Am I engaging from a loving space or not? Love has lots of latitude and forgiveness… Read more »