I tend to coach and write about the things I most need to heal within myself.
And that leads me to the subject of sex.
I’m writing this article more for me than for you, but you’re welcome to eavesdrop on my internal conversation.
I need to write myself a reminder. A no-so-gentle kick in the ass memo.
You see, I’ve not been taking my own damn advice.
Steve, WTF are You Doing?
If I was to coach myself right now, I would ask, “Steve, WTF are you doing?”
“What? I’m working.”
“What would you rather be doing?”
“Ummm…I’d rather be swinging in a hammock near a warm beach with a soft, sexy, beautiful woman.”
“Ummm…I’d rather be laughing, teasing and playing with her while we cuddle, kiss and taunt each other. Maybe I’ve got one or two margaritas in me too.”
“Ummm…I’d really like to have sex with her. Good sex. Connected sex. Satisfying sex.”
“What’s one reason you’re not doing that right now?”
“Ummm…because I’m working?”
“No, it’s not just the working. It’s your total energy. It’s all wrong for getting what you want.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re dripping in non-stop predictability, responsibility, accountability, reliability and stability. You haven’t looked up long enough to notice the soft, sexy, beautiful woman who lives with you. And when you do you’re pretty much faking it.”
“Yeah, really. And you’ve become the poster child for the world’s most un-sexy man. Your work ethic is admirable, but you’re dehydrating every ounce of sexy out of your relationship. You’ve totally forgotten how to lubricate the erotic side of life. Remember when it wasn’t like this?”
“Ummm…yeah. I do. I need to fix this.”
“Yep. You’ve forgotten your own stupidly simple rule for creating what you want.”
The One Stupidly Simple Rule Men Must Know
I learned this from the brilliant Esther Perel in her book, Mating in Captivity. Every time I have applied this rule in my relationship, everything changed for the better.
Esther calls “domestic energy” the land of the “Ilities”. It’s where the soul sucking obligations of accountability, responsibility and predictability reside. It’s where mortgages get paid, laundry gets done and kids get fed.
It’s a very difficult place to feel turned on.
Being turned on happens in the land of “erotic energy”. This is where flirtation, fun, laughter, dancing, danger and uncertainty live. It’s where adventure, surprise and sensual tension live. And it’s where really good sex lives too.
Sure, bathroom floor quickies can happen in the “domestic energy zone”. Sometimes they just have to.
But the truly satisfying, high quality sex a man really craves will only be found in the “erotic energy zone”.
Here’s the rule.
A man will never encounter deep, connected, satisfying sex in the land of the “Ilities”. He must consciously and intentionally chart a course and lead the way into the land of the erotic.
Three Simple Steps to Leading Her into the New Land
Three simple words to remember:
The hardest part of doing this is simply making the decision to do it. If you just decide you are going to be the kind of man who forges into the land of the erotic, here is what you must do.
Connect with her by shutting down your domestic mind. This includes shutting off the computer and the phone. Shut down your “work brain”. The most important part of connection is your presence. Allow yourself to lean into her world and her energy. Be curious. Be awake. Be aware. Let her know that you really see her – hear her – and understand what her biggest fears and doubts are. Connect.
Create new conversations and new dreams. Paint a picture of what is possible in the new land and how it will feel there. Share a story about two people laughing and flirting in a hammock near the sea while sipping margaritas. (note to self) Stop complaining and worrying long enough to compliment and adore her. Inspire her to dream about something bigger than the next load of laundry. Create.
Invite her to join you in the erotic side of life. But you must lead the way. You have to go there first yourself. Invite her into a funny moment or a goofy look across the room. Invite her into a spontaneous kitchen dance. Invite her into footsie under the table. Invite her into a dirty joke. Invite her into a 5 second kiss. Invite her into a strong, loving hug. Invite her to plan the Caribbean vacation with the hammock and the margaritas. Invite.
Remember: Connect, create and invite.
Intimacy and connection only happens when we make it happen. No more excuses. No more waiting for her to initiate.
You don’t get many second chances to live an erotic life and this ain’t no dress rehearsal.
If you’re a man interested in learning more about how to navigate the land of the erotic, I’m doing a free webinar with an amazing woman colleague soon. Click HERE to find out more. You can also download my free ebook, The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage by clicking HERE.