The month of December is a challenge for many. Especially for those of us with no family or a dysfunctional one at best. Even harder for people who just had a stressful or lonely Thanksgiving. And then we have New Year’s Eve to look forward to, another day the whole world celebrates with loved ones. Is it any mystery why the rates of suicide are highest during this festive season?
December hasn’t been easy for me, either. Add on all the stuff from above and a birthday too. My marriage was slowly failing, I was deeply affected by a lifelong eating disorder and a severely dysfunctional relationship with my parents, so I attempted to take my life.
I remember it vividly.
The list of things to do when you need help ran through my head.
1. Phone a friend
2. Call your mother
3. Call a hotline
Well, I did try the second and third options. Unfortunately, option two wasn’t a help. She was tired. So, I moved on to the hotline. Luckily that helped. It made me flip the switch to think about my children. I looked up stories from kids whose parents committed suicide, especially at Christmas. I thought about my own kids and how the rest of their years would look if I took my life.
My children shined a light on the totality of my actions that night. It’s what I remember most from the night. The google searches about the aftermath, that’s what I remember.
So, I put away the next bottle of pills and instead chugged the second bottle of wine. Enough to temporarily take away the pain. Earlier I swallowed a few handfuls of random pills; I can’t remember what they were. Probably basic stuff like Tylenol PM and over-the-counter sleeping pills.
Fully expecting to wake in a hospital bed, I thought about writing a note; instead, I sent a text to my now ex-husband. He was with the kids at his parent’s house for Christmas Eve (seven fishes, of course), and I was alone at home. I wrote something awful and not to be repeated.
Obviously, I woke the next Christmas day and managed to skip a trip to the ER. I had a few other close calls like that one, but after that Christmas Eve night, I found the best professional help possible and proper medication. Since then, thoughts like that seem foreign. It is difficult to understand suicidal thoughts if you have never experienced them.
When a successful adult with young children commits suicide, people say all types of terrible things. Stuff about how selfish they are or confusion about how someone with money and resources would do that.
How is it our society remains so ridiculously ignorant about mental health? And mental crisis?
We have made great strides in understanding addiction and finding compassion for those affected by it. Somehow mental crisis remains largely untreated. There’s no shortage of cutesy catchphrases and fake Social Media personas acting like all is perfect, yet the rates of depression and suicide continue to climb.
So why didn’t I gulp down that last bottle of pills or act on some of the other impulses that called to me to end my life?
Is it because I am less selfish and thought about my children? Nope
Is it because I had a great support system? Not at all
I believe it’s because I wasn’t that far gone yet with my mental health. And once I had that bad scare, I found psychological help.
When someone is deep in the pit, at the bottom of the hole of depression, all rational thought is gone. They just need the pain to stop. Selfishness isn’t a factor; sometimes, people feel like their family would be happier without them. They may even feel justified that they are being selfless by allowing their family to move on to better things.
Please remember that life doesn’t look like a Hallmark Holiday movie. Many people are alone during the Holidays; many are single Moms and Dads that may not have their children for the day. Elderly people alone in nursing homes eating lousy food in a cafeteria.
There are people struggling, so remember to be kind, and love each other a little more today and every day.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash