A friend of mine took his own life last week. I am sorry he made the decision he did. And I am heartbroken that his decision has devastated the people he loved the most: his wife and kids. What they are going through now is beyond horrific.
In the days following my friend’s death, this poem kept popping into my head:
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune without the words.
And never stops at all.
— Emily Dickinson
But here’s the thing: based on my personal experience, sometimes that little bird does stop singing. Sometimes the hope runs out. And when this happens, the darkness and despair left behind is unbelievably painful. I know this—because it happened to me, three months after my husband John died.
I was having an extremely difficult day and hit rock bottom….and the emotional pain that went with hitting rock bottom was nothing like I had ever experienced before—or ever will again.
Thankfully, most people will never experience anything like this. Unfortunately, however, some people do. And when it happens, sometimes the decision to take one’s life really does seem like the best option—for all concerned.
I cannot speak for my friend’s state of mind when he made the decision to end his life. But, based on my personal experience of having reached a similar place at one point, I strongly suspect he had passed the point of no return. He passed the point of wanting help. And he passed the point of being capable of asking for help.
I suspect this is very difficult for many people to understand…because it seems strange to be able to make a decision that will break the hearts of those you love the most. But when this point of no return is reached—and it can happen fast, it certainly did for me—then you get past the point of being able to think rationally. You are no longer capable of thinking about the consequences of your actions on other people.
It’s not that you don’t care about the shattered hearts and lives you will leave behind…rather, it is that you are incapable of rational thought at that point. The desire to die—and put an end to the unbearable anguish—has become far stronger than the will to live.
I suspect this is the point my friend reached. He made the decision he thought was best at that moment in time. And now his beloved family are left to pick up the pieces.
If you are reading this and contemplating taking your own life, please don’t. Instead, pick up the phone and get the help you need. The climb up from rock bottom isn’t easy…but in the long run, it is far better than the alternative.
If you are reading this and are dealing with the aftermath of losing a loved one to suicide, I hope me sharing my personal experience helps in some small way.
As for everyone else, at the end of the eulogy at my friend’s funeral, one of his sons shared this powerful quote:
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
- Robin Williams
Wise words indeed. May we heed them.
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