Debating which one is worse might be a losing argument, yet it is worth having a conversation.
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Hey, did you hear the one about the guy sitting in his underwear and socks, drinking a beer, and quietly pondering life late at night in his apartment?
Yeah, he was reading “War and Peace.”
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, probably the brutal truth is that this man felt lonely and buried it by hiding out. That ancient message of “it’s too painful to connect with another person because I’ll get hurt” prevents some men from growing beyond their built-up personas or boyhood fantasies.
A number of months ago, I wrote about men wearing masks and how much we as men hide our true, authentic selves.
The same can be said when we men lock ourselves away at home on a beautiful, blue-sky day. Before you go calling a man like this a loser, can we at least have a closer look at the situation?
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When was the last time you actually sat down and had a good internal conversation with your own soul over the differences between loneliness and solitude?
Consider solitude at first. To me, that is the feeling of simply being comfortable in my own skin and involved with a healthy activity like writing (hello there!) or going on a long bike ride. I’m not looking for outside validation or a needed connection in order to “fix” something wrong or uncomfortable inside. Everything from an emotional and spiritual standpoint is cool and I feel really wonderful.
Then there is loneliness. Ah, that pining emotion where I do not feel serene, satisfied or comfortable. It does not matter if all my alleged ducks are in a row. It does not matter if someone that I trust a lot (trust … gah!) tells me that I am a wonderful man with great qualities. Loneliness is a lying bastard which makes me continually feel less than the man I really am showing up as each day. “Here, look at more porn,” that loneliness tells me. “You want a relationship with a woman, right? Well, this is how you learn to please her.”
Utter crap.
Yet how often have I bought into the crap? Too many times and it always turns out the same way … bad and uncomfortable.
Those are emotions.
“Did you say emotions, sir?” a person asks from the back of the room. “Yes I did,” I respond. “Please, men don’t talk about their emotions or feelings. It’s not manly to do so.”
Maybe back in Don Draper’s days, pal, but this is a whole new ballgame. What I know is that the more I bring up my uncomfortable emotions and feelings, talk about them or well, hell, look like a fool and write about them, then I’m going to really feel better.
I choose to believe, and have seen ample evidence of this through my involvement with healing and wholeness work, that expressing them is quite freeing to the masculine soul.
Instead of busyness and what-not, a man can actually stand on his own two feet, look out at the world and hold his head up high. No shame, no blame, none of it. Just being the authentic man that has been hidden underneath a lot of mental garbage for years.
It does not matter about a man’s sexual gender, either. I’ve been witness to many strong heterosexual and homosexual men in my journey, so making an argument that one’s too wishy-washy and another’s too tight will not pass with me. If you believe that I am wrong, then fine. What does that say about you? Are you afraid of actually looking in another man’s eyes and understanding that maybe … just maybe … there are more similarities than differences between the male species?
And while I’m on a roll here, let me also speak up for my male friends who are physically or mentally challenged. Look, it does not matter if a man is in a wheelchair, walks with a limp, has a craniofacial anomaly or deals with an ongoing ailment. That man has as much right to having strong emotional connection running through him as anyone else.
Also, a man’s spirituality is his own damn business. I’ll leave it there.
As a friend of mine likes to say, “Am I getting too much into your business right now?”
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Great and noble kings have been written about for centuries as they watch over their lands and protect the people entrusted to their care.
These noble men carry both the air of solitude and the burden of loneliness. They make sure that their inner circle of friends and advisors is close, tight and trustworthy. What makes up a noble man in your eyes?
I will say this. A man with the willingness to not place himself so highly above others that his arrogance smells like a hot fart is probably grounded. He will have an acute awareness of his precious nature as a great gift to all men around the Big Blue Marble.
It is said that we are really all connected, no matter whether loneliness or solitude are present. That might be a hard concept by which to wrap your head around. Some days, it is for me.
Loneliness is the cloak of despair. Solitude is the coat of peace. Which one are you going to wear?
Please choose solitude. Don’t buy into the lie that “strong men can make it just fine standing by themselves.” I bet if you really looked closely at those types of men, then you will find at least one or two trusted people – did I use trust again? – close by. They might be self-made millionaires in business or high-paid entertainers.
The price of loneliness is too much to bear. Suicide rates are still high. Drug and alcohol addiction is still around.
Solitude, my man. Try solitude. Not plastics … solitude.
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Photo: Getty Images