Let’s be frank: rejection hurts. Literally. The pain of feeling rejected, outcast or unwanted is real. But it’s not the pain that makes rejection so difficult… it’s the fear.
___
One of the hardest things about getting better at dating is that you have to learn how to take the hit.
Back in high-school, I started studying martial arts; Tae Kwon Do and Kenpo primarily. As much as I’d told people that I was learning it for the self-discipline and the focus it taught me, just between you, me and the everyone else reading this: I wanted to be Billy Bad-Ass. I had the same fantasies of being Terry Bogard1 or VanDamme or Jeff Speakman that every other would-be ninja warrior had. But reality finds a way of stomping on those dreams with big ol’ boots. See, I was great at doing the kattas and perfecting my form and even things like breaking boards and blocks… but sparring was my weak point. I was constantly playing defense, always backing away, passing up on openings to strike… because I was afraid of getting hit.
Not surprisingly, I approached my dating life the same way: I didn’t want to get rejected, so I was continually playing it safe. It was easier to be a Nice GuyTM and follow my crush around like a lost puppy instead of sucking it up and asking her out.
But in sparring as in dating one thing was true: unless I was willing to take the hit, I was never going to get any strikes in. I could either stay on the defensive, take no risks and just tire myself out… or I could learn how to roll with the punches.
OOOH, right to the self-esteem!
OOOH, right in the self-esteem!
The more you fear rejection, the harder you’re making dating on yourself. If you want more romantic, social success, you have to learn how to get over your fear of rejection. You have to learn how to take the hit.
Here’s how.
The Fear Of Rejection Is Worse Than The Pain
Let’s be frank: rejection hurts. Literally. The pain of feeling rejected, outcast or unwanted is real. But it’s not the pain that makes rejection so difficult… it’s the fear.
Everyone remembers the first time that they got rejected by somebody they liked. In fact, for many people it happened when they were young, usually in school and frequently in front of an audience. You opened your tender heart to somebody and you got shot down in flames. In many ways it forms the backdrop of your self-identity for years to come.
“I’m going to remember this when you send me those game requests on Facebook you know.”
“I’m going to remember this when you send me those game requests on Facebook ten years from now…”
You were humiliated. You were crushed. It probably hurt more than you realized something could hurt. You can still remember that moment and you’d never want to face that feeling ever again. And now the mere thought of rejection brings back the memory of that pain.
And therein lies the problem – your fear of rejection is formed around the memory of that pain and the anticipation of feeling it again. It’s the fear-avoidance model of behavior – the anticipation and fear of that pain causes you to avoid the thing that caused the pain, which only makes the fear stronger and perpetuates the cycle. By avoiding the fear, you reinforce it, which causes you to avoid it more to the point that the fear is worse than the actual pain which keeps you from an important realization: the pain isn’t as bad as you remember.
Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying it didn’t hurt. I’m not saying it didn’t completely suck. But that pain you’re remembering is old pain. It’s pain from a time when you had no sense of perspective. And when you won’t confront that pain you’ll never realize the secret:
Rejection Only Hurts as Much As You Allow It To
Here’s why rejection hurts so much: it’s because you give it meaning. You give it power to affect you because you decide how important it is to you. How much rejection hurts is directly proportional to how much emotional investment you have in that rejection.
Don’t believe me? Allow me to present you with a thought experiment. Imagine a 9 year old girl walks up to you, looks you square in the eye and tells you that she will never, ever date you in a million billion years. What’s your immediate reaction? Laughter? “Aww, you’re adorable?” On a scale of 1 to 10, how hurt are you by this?
“I know this hurts you Shepard.”
“I know you feel this Shepard.”
Now imagine that a 90 year old man walks up to you and tells you that there is no chance in hell that the two of you are ever going to sleep together. Again: what’s your immediate reaction to this rejection? Confusion? Amusement? Complete disregard?
In both of those scenarios, the rejection doesn’t hurt. If anything, it’s something to laugh at. What makes this rejection so laughable when the idea of your crush shooting you down makes your gut clench up and your heart lose its rhythm? It’s how invested you are in the outcome. You have no emotional investment in these two strangers; getting rejected by them doesn’t materially affect your life.
But then again: neither does getting rejected by that cute waitress at your favorite restaurant. Or that classmate who makes your knees weak. Or that coworker you’ve had a crush on all those years. Your life isn’t going to end. You’re not going to have to pull up stakes and move to another city in order to escape a vengeful mob. Your heart isn’t going to stop beating.
It just feels that way. You’ve imbued this one person, whether they’re a total stranger at the party or someone you’ve known for life, with such terrible power over you that you believe it can destroy you. You have taken one person, out of literally billions, and made them one of the most important people in the world, someone who has absolute control over your romantic future.
Here’s what will really happen: it will suck, and then you’ll move on. Whether that suckage is a momentary annoyance or a crippling pain is entirely up to you.
But how do you avoid overinvesting in someone?
Hesitation Brings Fear. Fear Brings Suffering
One of the worst things you can do when it comes to making your move – whether you’re wanting to approach the hottie at the bar or finally ask out your long-standing crush – is to hesitate… and yet so much of wanting to avoid rejection is built around waiting.
Waiting until the time is right.
Waiting until you’re “ready”.
Waiting until you can get them alone.
Waiting until you’re convinced that they’re giving you the signal.
You think that you’re building up your courage, psyching yourself up to make the big leap. You’re not. You’re stalling. You’re finding excuses to not do it.
“Right so my choices are jump or starve to death? Gimme a minute to think it over.”
“Right so my choices are jump or starve to death? Gimme a minute to think it over.”
And while you’re doing so, you’re continually investing ever-increasing levels of importance to this one moment. And the more important you make it, the worse the imagined rejection gets. The worse the imagined consequences get, the more you hesitate, caught in a frustrating catch-22. Worse, the more time you spend “waiting”, the harder it is for you to simply cut your losses and go. You start getting caught by the sunk-cost fallacy – you’ve spent so much time pining after this person that you can’t not pursue them. Letting go of that particular sweaty daydream would mean that you wasted all that time… and that admission will hit you harder than any rejection could.
This is why the three-second rule is so important in making cold approaches – not only does it keep your brain from vapor-locking over every imagined worst-case scenario, but it keeps you from over-investing in this one person. You see them, you make your approach – if they’re into you, awesome. If they reject you… well, that’s a grand total of three seconds of emotional investment. Big fucking deal, roll on to the next person because there will be a next person. The rejection means less because you haven’t made them so vital in your imagination.
Similarly, with warm approaches, sooner is always better than later when it comes to asking them out; the longer you wait, the more of your life you’ve devoted to being in an constant state of anxiety and agitation. If you’ve been nursing your crush on the little red-haired girl for all of high-school and now that graduation is approaching that you finally decide to ask her out… well, that’s four years of your life that you’ve spent obsessing, investing and otherwise making her a larger-than-life figure, pinning your entire self-esteem on a three-second question. If you’d simply swallowed your fear, grabbed yourself by the gonads and gone for it, not only would you have not been living with such constant stress but you would have had a full four years to find someone who is into you.
Which is worse? A moment’s inconvenience or four years of frustration?
Roll With The Punches
One of the hardest lessons that I had to learn while studying martial arts is that you can’t avoid getting hit. If you’re in a fight, you’re going to get tagged eventually.
So it is with dating. The risk of rejection comes part and parcel with dating; you cannot avoid it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. But you can learn how to minimize the pain. When you spar, you learn how to take the hits you can’t avoid: you can deflect, you can re-direct and you can learn how to roll with the impact so it doesn’t hit you nearly as hard as it could.
“I think we’re taking this metaphor a little too far, Steve!”
“I think we’re taking this metaphor a little too far, Steve!”
With dating, you can also learn how to roll with rejection.
Avoiding over-investing is the first and most obvious part – the less that you let somebody’s symbolic importance build up, the less it bothers you if you don’t synch the way you hoped. Similarly, developing an abundance mentality is critical; after all, when you realize how many amazing women are out there in the world, the fact that this particular one doesn’t like you means less to you because there’s going to be another person just as awesome around the corner.
It’s also important to choose how you see rejection. When you’ve convinced yourself that rejection is a summary judgement on who you are, yes it feels like you’ve been kicked in your soul’s nuts. But let’s be honest here: most of the time, they barely know you. Hell, you barely know them. All that happened is that you two didn’t click. Maybe you need to work on your technique a little. Maybe you caught them at a bad time. Maybe you look like that asshole ex who emptied her bank account, banged her sister and wiped his dick on her favorite teddy bear. All that’s happened is that you’ve gotten an answer to the question “does she want to date you?” and now you’re free to move on to somebody else. Take some time, learn from your failures, then try again. Fail again, but fail better this time. Each time you get knocked down, you get back up a little stronger and a little wiser because now you know what not to do for the next time.
But before you can learn how to roll with the punches, you have to learn how to take them. And there’s only one way to do that.
The Only Way To Learn How To Take A Punch Is To Get Punched
Cold hard truth time. You’re going to get rejected. It’s going to happen. But that’s ok. Everyone gets rejected. For every insanely hot Hollywood hunk, there’s a woman who wouldn’t touch him with a borrowed vagina. Similarly there’s no babe so awesomely gorgeous that everyone will agree that they’re sex on toast.
Of course, there’s always the exception that proves the rule…
Of course, there’s always the exceptions…
Stephen Amell, Brad Pitt, Ryan Gosling, Michael Ealy… nobody goes 5 for 5 no matter how hunky, how famous, how rich, how funny or how whatever they may be. They’ve all been shot down in flames.
It’s up to you whether it’s going to break you or not.
But here’s the thing that’s true: you can either learn how to take the hit and roll with it, or you can let it break you. If you never learn how to take that punch, it will destroy you every time. If you never learn how to handle rejection, every rejection will shred your soul. I remember my high-school crush vividly. I followed her around like a lost puppy for four years. When I confessed my interest in her and asked her out the weekend before graduation she said no… and I was crying so damned hard I literally drove my car into a ditch. Let me tell you, having to go walk back to her house to call a tow-truck? It was the lemon juice on top of the gaping chest-wound of my soul. Every rejection was worst than the last… right up to the one that put me on the path to who I am today.
My instructor finally sat me down and gave me the cold hard truth: either I was going to have to start taking the hits or I was going to have to quit being his student because he had no time for someone who wasn’t willing to learn. I had to grit my teeth and take risks and accept that getting tagged was going to happen. And it hurt. But I kept at it. Learning to take those hits meant that I was stronger than I’d thought. I was tougher than I’d thought. I could take more than I gave myself credit for. When I got knocked to the ground, I knew I could get back up and get right back into the match. And paradoxically, being less afraid of getting hit meant that I was getting hit less. I was able to move in, take the initiative, put my opponent on the defensive.
When it came to dating, once I quit trying to avoid rejection and just roll with it, I was finally able to move forward. I was able to learn and improve.
It wasn’t easy. Getting shot down sucked… but it didn’t break me, the way that those earlier ones did. There may’ve been nights that I went home with my tail between my legs, my self-esteem feeling like ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack… but I got up the next day and went back at it again. And again. And I kept improving. And I got fewer rejections and more dates, more sex, more success.
Rejection sucks. But it’s the fear that holds you back. Conquering your fear takes away the pain. Conquering the fear lets you succeed.
But first you have to learn to take the hit.
____
This article originally appeared on Doctor Nerd Love
Photo credit: Getty Images
I notice that this site is now in the habit of regurgitating old content as if it’s new. That’s next door to spamming, or giving us clickbait. Shame on you! Here’s a thought on how to do this right: Create an archive, or a searchable database of posts by author, or by amount of comments received in response, or both. Then anyone who wants to read more from this author can simply find his stuff. Also, when someone publishes something that others find egregious or offensive, don’t go all Animal Farm. Keep the content available along with the responses. That’s… Read more »
More of this idea of just reposting old contents. And regarding the content, remember that this is the same author who in another article wants us to feel sorry for women who don’t approach. Because rejection might hurt their feelings.
Is this a PAY site?
Posting again since it must have been lost – Luckily I am not that bad in looks, no longer a virgin. Most of my lack of dating though is from a massive anxiety disorder and not asking anyone out much. Tried online dating but even my good looking friends have major trouble there. Insecurity, rural location with its lopsided gender ratio, and being somewhat different in my hobbies, interests, views to the area makes it hard for me to find a date here. For me personally I am finding many people around my age of 30 are looking to settle… Read more »
If you make a woman (or man) your whole focus you become like Wiley Coyote chasing the Road Runner. When does it ever end well for the Coyote? Or it becomes just another addiction like drugs, booze or gambling. If they say no, move on and don’t look back.
Well, to be fair, this article is directed at those who are so afraid of hearing “no” that they don’t even try. I’ve known guys like that. In fact, I’ve known guys who were so terrified of rejection that they were in the enviable position of having it clear as day to everyone around that the woman they were pining over was obviously interested, and no way was she gonna say no if he asked her out…but they were still too scared to go for it. That’s about as harmfully messed up as it gets, and this article actually goes… Read more »
Thanks to both John and Anthony. i understand why Archy ask his question and you have given him honest answers. Somehow I wish we had more conversations about exactly this issue. The truth about how we live our life is often hidden to others. And instead we are fed with idealized ideas about romantic relationships from media and even from all the people that make their living as coaches and therapist ( I hope I do not insult them ). I hope it is possible to have romantic relationships with genuine love and sex that feels right . Some seem… Read more »
That pretty much nails it. You do the best you can with what the hand you’ve been dealt. Some people have to compromise on certain things in ways that others do not. Conversely, some things come easier. I know that some parts of my life are envied by others. How many people, for example, can say that they love their job, find their work fulfilling, and take can take pride in what they do every day? I consider myself lucky for many things. But I guess what I’m getting at, in regards to this article, is that there’s a flip… Read more »
Agreed, Anthony.
Being a much-rejected and long-term single guy, and because being open and vulnerable about this IRL has most often left me hazed and ridiculed, so most of the stuff I’ve been pondering about this is so personal I can only share it with people I’ll never meet…
Take care! /K
Opening up to women about your insecurities I find is a great way to destroy any chance of a relationship with them. As much as there are women telling men to be more sensitive and open up, Don’t fall for the trap. You can maybe open up well into a relationship but there have been plenty of men who do open up and find her sexual desire for him diminishing bigtime. It’s sad but that is what you get when confidence is the most valued trait a man has, failing to live up to this stoic confident role can reduce… Read more »
Archy I just read that now the suicide rate for young women in Australia is as high as the one for men. So what is going on? And one more thing. I very much doubt that men understand why women sexual desire disappear . Again and again I read men here on GMP say women dump them if they show feelings. I find that hard to belive . Maybe what she sees and experience not at all a man that opens up and show feelings but more a man in a break down, or a man unable to regulate his… Read more »
Here you go, KIM
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-gender-bias-rears-its-ugly-head-in-the-best-of-relationships/
Now, regarding the last part of that article, consider that the author is an international speaker, author and thought leader on the issues of human connection and intimacy, they still have issues about this in their relationship. How well then do you think people in general are able to handle or conseal this kind of “vulnerabilities”?
I disagree with lots and lots and lots of what that man writes Flyingkal. He is NOT a scientist in any way, and I do not look to him as an authority on women and women’s desire .
Ok, fine.
Do you have any information or insight to the contrary you’d wish to share with us?
Or do you wish to maintain the opinion that the cause of every mismatched attempt at communication is strictly grounded at the opposite end of the line?
Also, I just read
http://www.mindframe-media.info/for-media/reporting-suicide/facts-and-stats
that in 2014, there were 2,160 males and 704 females that died by suicide in Australia.
Yes but today it is 2016.
The article you referred to was from 2002, so your point was…? 🙂
I can not find the link to the suicide and young women. I read the Guardian daily and sometimes also BBC. If I find it one day I will let you know. But here is a link that tell more women than men in China take their own life and you will find the same for Sri Lanka . At least it used to be like that in Sri Lanka. So it is not a law of nature that women can not succeed killing themselves. We know women have more attempts to kill themselves and men use other methods .… Read more »
But then again, if you count “overwhelming love for his partner” as the only feeling men are allowed to show, then I guess you are right that not many women will dump a man for showing feelings…
It’s not about showing feelings. That’s an over-simplification. A man grieving over the loss of a loved one, expressing child-like excitement over something, or openly showing affection, tenderness, and caring. Those are all great! It’s about showing doubts, fears, insecurities. There was an article here quite a while back that resonated well with me, written by a woman, and IIRC, commented on by several women as well. It was about how the three sexiest words a man can say are “I got this”. That’s what a woman wants to hear. Assertive and confident. Saying “I’m afraid of screwing up”, and… Read more »
It seems like to many that success comes from Lie, lie, and lie. That’s how you get success. Hide the pain, talk to your friends about pain. Do not ever look weak. Honestly it is starting to sound like men are the more foregiving sex when it comes to being insecure. (Not all men or women, generalization alert) If a woman is upset and insecure, he won’t lose attraction except for the moment of tears. But if he shows that insecurity then he has fallen from the idea of being strong, confident, stoic, independent. A man without a job, and… Read more »
“The whole nice guy phenomenon seems to be plagued by men buying into the sensitivity tripe, told how it will make them more attractive, yet it fails miserably.” Totally. I drank that koolaid, in part because it was drilled into me, in part because it seemed like a potential way for a guy who is clearly not physically attractive to women to try and still achieve some level of success, and in part because I think I really actually AM a nice guy, so being a “nice guy” came fairly naturally to me. So I confidently and assertively went forth… Read more »
“I just read that now the suicide rate for young women in Australia is as high as the one for men. So what is going on?” The stats I see show men are higher than women by 3-4x in all age brackets. “I very much doubt that men understand why women sexual desire disappear . Again and again I read men here on GMP say women dump them if they show feelings. I find that hard to belive .” Not all do, but too many do so it is risky. I dare say you are someone who wouldn’t do it,… Read more »
Also, there’s a tendency towards confirmation bias, when people make arguments about rejection. You always hear the examples of the guy who was constantly rejected, and ended up with a supermodel, or the brilliant starving artist who’s screenplay, novel, or music was rejected by all the studios and publishers until that one lucky break. It’s a logical fallacy. For every one of those, I’m sure there are thousands of others who suffered orders of magnitude more rejection, and ended up alone (or at least “settling” under heavy compromises, like me), unpublished, or otherwise unsuccessful, despite their best efforts, and their… Read more »
Agree on this too, Anthony.
There is no shortage of people that are ready to tell you, “You know I was in your shoes once, but by working hard I gained this position, blablabla…”
Any person striking gold will never admit that they were mostly just lucky among 1000 people working just as hard as they did.
Of course it’s up to the gender that already deals with this to get over it and try harder.
Just assume the NO. You can go collect it as the ugly, short, fat, poor dude that has a crap job or just move on with your life realising that even if you find a girl that likes you, it will last not much longer than 8 years and you have a 50% chance of losing everything you have in what the court determines a ‘half’. “LOVE” is a function of proximity, money, time, attention and the counterweight of viable alternatives It is nothing more, unless you large doses of fame, power, height, money and ‘attractivesness’ Society is in no… Read more »
Not going to disagree with you, and for many, it’s a fully legitimate answer. To me though, it always felt like giving up on what I wanted. It might be crazy, but I would have been willing to navigate the minefield for the sake of getting something positive out of it, and maybe even having my own offspring. I love kids, been told time and again that I’d make a great dad, and even think I’ve done a pretty good job or raising one who isn’t mine. I’ve met women who would make great mothers, and I hope they have… Read more »
deleted again.
Archy,
You can either settle or live your life for yourself.
I am in your boat. I am short and ugly. Females never wanted me even though I make good money.
I decided to change the rules. I went MGTOW and never looked back. I live for myself. Once you stop chasing females, trying to live by someone elses rules, and live for yourself your mental health will go up by 100%.
I am curious what advice people would give to people who literally have very little chance of ever finding love. Having very low physical attraction, various issues they have no control over so they can’t simply just “goto the gym”, get a better career, etc. What would people tell those people who will probably die a virgin? Someone who has asked out 1000’s and still no luck, as rare as they might be?
Alas, we’re not all that rare. I echo your question. I know, and knew back then what the definition of insanity was, so I tried and tried and tried, and changed up all the things that were possible to try changing about myself and my approach every couple years when it was clear that what I was doing wasn’t working. I never gave up, never stopped trying, never approached any woman or any situation with a defeatist attitude, and I took the endless rejection pretty well, considering. But the end result was…well…far from ideal.
Archy: I only have one piece of advice for you, and it’s harsh, but it’s based on my own experience. Consider older women. Those who’ve gotten tired of playing the game. Those who have dated all the tall, handsome, well built assholes they could. Those who’ve suffered all the abuse, and are now damaged goods. Those who realize they’ve gotten older, less attractive than they once were, have pushed the limits of exhausting all other available options. Those who have had all the children they want to have. Those who are finally looking for what you might have to offer.… Read more »
From the darker parts of one of my “journals”: 2016-01-01 Another consequence of living with so many years of constant rejection is what happens when you do finally enter into a relationship. You discover that you are your girlfriend’s sixth, or dozenth, or twentieth boyfriend. It is a universal truth that they will have exhausted all other options before arriving at you. You will be forced, with no real relationship experience whatsoever, to not only deal with learning how to be with someone, but also learning how to cope with the incredible amount of baggage that they will inevitably have.… Read more »
Here’s another, very specific thought for you. It actually relates to my first relationship experience, rather late into my life. There are women out there who have a strange streak to them. They have a somewhat morbid interest in a “pity/curiosity fuck”. They derive some kind of satisfaction from being with a guy who’s gotten pretty far through life with little or no relationship/sexual experience. Maybe they view it as a humanitarian act, sleeping with a nice guy that no-one else will. Maybe it taps into some teaching/nurturing instinct. Maybe they just appreciate the lack of pressure associated with a… Read more »
Hi Anthony
It was hard to read your advice to Andy. I mean it was painful to read that you can not ask to have any of your needs and wants met.
Do you mind if I ask one singel question?
Would you choose this if you did not like to have sex with the woman you live with?
I get what you are saying and wonder what is the positive side.
Is it possible to live like that if you dislike the other sexually?
Not sure I understand the question, but I’ll try anyway. I’ve been very close life-long friends with women. The woman I’m talking about above, we’ve been friends for over 25 years. It’s something like 10 years as friends, 5 years together, and another 10 years back as friends after that. It wasn’t even entirely about the physical part of our relationship that made us decide we worked better as friends. It was more about life goals that were fundamentally incompatible. Part of our friendship derives from getting together and comparing notes on two very different sets of lifestyles. It’s very… Read more »
@ KIM I almost did something similar with a female friend. She’s a nice person, highly educated, successful, she owns her own house, etc. A very nice catch for any man except that she very over weight and not conventionally attractive. We were friends though and she used to hit on me. I’m 20 years older than she. I’m probably average for my age, but certainly not handsome. Well that kind of sums up how desperate she was. Anyway one day she confides in me that she is giving up on ever having a sexual encounter with a man. Sad… Read more »
@John Gottman Anderson: Interesting story, and it illustrates the point that people can be messed up in all sorts of ways, and desperation can, and often does, cause people to paint themselves into corners. Especially if they heed conventional “positive, feel good” advice, and cling to the idea that everyone can have everything they want in all aspects of their lives. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, consider the cost, decide if you’re willing to pay it, and if not, then try to let it go. The hardest part is focusing on the positive, and not letting the… Read more »