What follows is the transcript of a (fictitious) speech delivered by Senator-Pastor Ted Cruise-Control at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, April 1, 2015.
Hello. My name is Ted Cruise-Control.
Before my marriage to my lovely wife, Otta Control, I was simply known as “Ted Cruise,” but upon taking up the nuptials, I now drive through life blissfully with “Cruise-Control.”
Dear students, faculty, staff, and administrators of Liberty University, which was founded by one of my ultimate and most beloved mentors and heroes, the honorable moral Christian crusader, Jerry Falwell.
Imagine a young child watching the communist-inspired children’s television program “Teletubbies.” You are introduced to the newest cast character, the subversive purpled-bodied, triangle-headed, Tinky Winkie. We as a country indeed owe a great debt of gratitude to your founding father, Jerry Falwell. He was the first to unearth the plot by militant homosexuals to recruit our impressionable youth into their deviant gay lifestyle by using this purple pervert, who carried a bright red handbag, as a homosexual role model.
If Jerry Falwell had never been born, we might never have known what he reminded us about: that “AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals, it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuality.”
Also, we never would have known the true words behind the acronym “NOW.” He was correct by alerting us that NOW, rather than standing for “National Organization for Women” as feminists purport, actually stands for “National Order of Witches.” He also exposed reality when he announced: “I listen to feminists and all these radical gals – most of them are failures. They’ve blown it….Feminists hate men. They’re sexist. They hate men – that’s their problem.”
And just imagine a world without Jerry Falwell. It was Jerry who courageously uncovered the real criminals behind the historic terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 inside our true-God-fearing country when he exposed the perpetrators as “…pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America.”
I don’t know about you, but I can’t even imagine such a world without Jerry Falwell, this remarkable televangelist alerting us to THE truth.
Thank you Jerry for your wise words of wisdom, but enough about him. This convocation is about me.
Just last night, I had what can be called nothing short of a miraculous conversation with our Lord Jesus Christ, who commanded that I make this announcement in front of you here today — you who are all graciously mandated to be here in lieu of a $10.00 fine. So please, I ask that you keep your applause to a moderate tumult when I now declare upon the Holy Bible – well, actually just the newer updated parts – you know, the stuff from Jesus forward – that I am throwing my crucifix into the metaphorical ring to run for the office of Prime Pastor of the Christian Theocracy of these United Parishes of America.
I am running because I want you to imagine a United Parishes of America under my Prime Pastorship.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when the upper ten percent of our population controls even more than the approximately 80-90 percent of the accumulated wealth and 85 percent of the stocks and bonds that they already control. And imagine when corporate executives, who currently pay lower tax rates than their secretaries, incur even lower taxes. And also imagine when I together with the Congress outlaw labor unions and eliminate a government-imposed hourly minimum wage.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I take back from the estimated 17 million people who now have health insurance for the first time in their lives under the Affordable Care Act, which I dub as the Euro-Socialist-inspired Obama Care. When elected Prime Pastor, I will return us to the good-old days when 50 million people in our country went uninsured and their only form of health care was the hospital emergency room that the remainder of the population had to pay, a time during those bygone days when young adults could not remain on their parents’ health plans until age 26, when insurance companies could deny people coverage for pre-existing medical conditions and could drop people when they became sick, when women had to pay higher insurance premiums than men, when companies could make unjustified rate hikes whenever they wanted and limit peoples’ rights to appeal company decisions regarding their benefits.
As Prime Pastor, I also promise to rescind Comrade Obama’s stated policy of providing free junior college tuition to students. I guarantee never to increase governmental student assistance programs, which I hope will further restrict deserving students from middle and working class backgrounds. Also Imagine when I cut and eventually eliminate governmental entitlement programs, thereby drying up the support systems from the “takers,” including many of our elders, people with disabilities, and other residents struggling to provide life’s basics.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I enact an executive order and encourage our Congress to pass legislation to construct a fence well into the celestial heavens on our southern border, increase deportations and dump people in middle of the oceans, and further restrict immigration and social and educational services to youth, even though I myself was born in Canada and my father is a Cuban immigrant from the U.S.-supported Batista regime. Also imagine when I together with the Congress declare English as the “official” language of our nation, thereby eliminating bilingual education and providing all government documents be written in only good old American English, y’all.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I re-criminalize women who attempt to control their bodies, and when doctors and others assist them in carrying out the choices they make.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I overturn those laws that spit in the face of our Lord Jesus Christ by allowing homosexuals to marry each other, and other laws granting them the unconscionable benefits of living where they wish, eating in restaurants and purchasing things in stores they wish to patronize, visiting their perverted “partners” in hospitals and attending their funerals, inheriting their partners’ stuff after they die, and all the other benefits that should only be granted within the sacred bonds between one man and one woman. And imagine when we return to the days when men were men and women were ladies, because after my election, I will outlaw transgender transition procedures and mandate that everyone wear the clothing and behave as our God had intended.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I terminate all so-called “affirmative action programs” that get in the way of hard working righteous white people, for as we well know, as it currently stands, white people, Christians, and heterosexuals are the real victims of our current Nanny State society.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I assist Congress in privatizing our national parks, and loosening environmental and consumer protections of all kinds. I will grant even more mining, oil, and lumber companies an enhanced right to exploit the land, and grant them more enormous tax breaks and subsidies. I promise to expose the lie that the liberals perpetuate daily in their claims of some sort of human-caused climate change and the warming of the Earth. As we all here know, God can only change our climate.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I downsize government by eliminating the Internal Revenue Service and the Environmental Protection Agency, as well as many other agencies during my term of office.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when we divert money currently going into public education into school vouchers so parents can send their students to good Christian schools at tax payer expense. And imagine when we reintroduce prayer into the public schools, and when the current pretext of a supposed separation of religion (“Church”) and state is finally exposed as the lie it is.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I convene committees to set the standards for acceptable art and culture while censoring and banning all else.
Imagine our liberty and how free we will be as individuals and as a nation when I am given free rein to conduct holy invasions into sovereign nations, like our great former president “W” into Iraq, to bring about American-style democratic reforms and restore civility by killing the infidels. Look out Iran!
I realize that some other potential candidates from my party believe in many of the same policies I am advancing here today. Why do you think I am announcing first for the office of Prime Pastor? Imagine if I declared second or third or fourth – those pretenders of the true God would get the publicity instead of me.
So, I ask you all here today, don’t merely imagine an America with more liberty and freedom through a peewee size government with severely reduced public services, an unlimited defense budget, enhanced state rights and the ability for states to secede anytime they wish, and a return to the true God. If you vote for me, that is exactly what you will get.
God bless you, and God bless the Christian Theocracy of America. Amen, praise Jesus!
Photo: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com/Flickr