It’s good to distinguish that lies come in several shades (you probably know):
(Little) white lies: seemingly unimportant lies (trivial or made-up facts) that when said don’t usually hurt anyone (harmless).
Gray lies: lies to get a benefit or get out of doing something (done or said that may or may not hurt others).
Children cover up bad behaviors with these lies, or an adult calls in sick instead of taking a personal day (fall in this category).
Black lies: the bad lies that can hurt and deeply damage your life and relationships.
Black lies are clear as day. They are just morally wrong. They are the ones that people who have morals have a conscience over. Most of our lies fall into the white and gray territory.
White lies can be dropped passing by or speaking to others daily. It’s in the fabric of (most of) our culture… but that doesn’t make it right. These are habits we’ve formed (and can get rid of).
You can discover benefits to telling the truth you may not have thought about, further below.
Gray lies are gray because they’re sometimes hard to decipher. Sometimes people are trying to help their customers (or other people), so they lie to their bosses (or important people in their lives). That’s not good. If one is willing to lie to their boss or anyone, they’re willing to lie in other situations. This behavior or habit could hurt an individual in the long run.
When I started my career as a salesperson, I watched others get ahead from doing black and gray hat techniques. I wonder if they are still in sales. I know many ethical salespeople friends who are still effectively selling 20 plus years later.
Nonetheless, I realized when I sold, the sales career path was seen by many as a profession full of liars. Used car salesmen was the type of salesmen that gave all salespeople a bad rap. Sales was going out or calling for business.
I did both. I decided early on I would find fair, tactical, and honest ways. I would use creative selling and good negotiation to create win-win situations for my company, my customer, and myself. I formed many productive habits (and got rid of the ones that didn’t help my selling).
I was a salesperson after all. We learned how to say the right things (even if it wasn’t pleasant), and ask the right questions for our career success.
I realized that telling the truth, even if it meant losing a short-term sale as painful as it was, would pay off in the end. I would build credibility and another sale would replace any I lost, from good reputation referrals (or just good karma).
I probably would have gained more short-term sales if I lied once in a while or bad mouthed a competitor. But I wasn’t willing to pay the price and give up my reputation for lying shortcuts. It didn’t fit the morals that I grew up with.
At the end of the day and 4 years of cold calling and prospecting, I earned a reputation for consistently producing. And that won me promotions. Success came from ethical hard work and persistence, and I could hold my head up high.
As years went by, I realized the culture I lived in was peppered with frequent daily lies floating in the air. I decided I wanted to have nothing to do with that. I learned to think and inspect everything that came out of my mouth before words came out.
Sometimes some unintentional words wrongly slipped out in the moment (that didn’t matter to others, but mattered to me). And that made me more intentional. And then gradually I was able to cease loose language from coming out as a daily habit. Words became intentional.
By default, I became more articulate (saying more) like a presenter who had only 20 minutes to speak with enough material for an hour presentation.
Telling the Truth Pays Off
Besides being more succinct with words, truth-tellers gain authenticity. It’s a way of life.
When people lie on the little things on a daily basis, they hurt themselves. It doesn’t really impact others as much as they can think. People are too busy with their own lives. People believe people who are consistent in what they say and do. If caught in a lie or half-truth, lying people are no longer fully credible and suffer consequences. It’s a hard lesson …and it pays to tell the truth.
If someone lying acts inconsistent, they are sometimes needing to keep up with their own stories and lies. They don’t know truth from lies. And they could end up losing a job, a relationship, or worse.
If instead you are a straight arrow, you don’t have these cloudy thoughts holding you up. And you won’t even put up with these web of lies (if you recognize they’re lies). You may just write the lying person off as untruthful or as a lost soul (at least at this time until they get their full act together).
How To Get Rid Of All Lies
See the benefits to telling the truth. You reap the benefit of people believing, respecting, and coming to you without a second thought. They don’t question your character. Bosses know they can count on you and you won’t go behind their back.
Being straightforward and telling the truth will set you free from self-destruction. It’s refreshing for someone to tell the truth on a matter, and express authentic feelings. You may even get promoted for that vulnerable, but honest behavior.
If you don’t know what to say, say nothing. Not all questions need answers. Or right away.
You are better off saying nothing, allowing for silence than saying untruths or something you shouldn’t in the moment. There is nothing wrong with silence. It’s only awkward if you think it is.
Salespeople productively use silent pauses deliberately as a technique to learn about their customers’ needs.
Changing the subject is not the better way. This makes people wonder if you heard them. And if you’re credible. If you evade commenting at all, that’s like leaving space for them to fill in the blank for better or worse.
Here are some suggestions on what to do or say:
Say “I don’t know right now” in a calm but sincere tone if you have all the information you need.
We’re taught in school to always have the answers. When you’re out in the real world, you learn you don’t have all the answers (immediately), and know-it-all’s don’t always succeed in life anyway.
Let there be a silent pause and then let them add more for you to think about before answering. You don’t need to be in a rush or be rushed. If it’s your boss, you could say you will research and get back to them right away.
Or ask open-ended questions to learn more before answering. Can you tell me more? Can you provide me an example?
How to Help Someone You Care About Who Tells Little Lies
If you’re a boss or someone who wants to help others around you grow…
For smaller lies that don’t matter much, you, a no-nonsense and non-judgmental person can just believe the lying person (purposefully gullible). No questions. What a breath of fresh air (for the lying person)!
This helps those that are coachable and learning to tell the truth the next time. They become better people. You’ve set a bar that lies from them have no impact on someone they admire like you, so why not tell the truth?
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Previously published on “Change Becomes You”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: istockphoto.com