Thanksgiving is known for two things: 1. Great food and 2. Throwing that great good across the table at your loved ones. Nothing says affection like mashed potatoes to the face. My love language is Cranberry sauce dripping from my chin.
But often times during this very special holiday, you are drawn into arguments and fights that you cannot win. You’ve come in unprepared because the list of arguments are just too long. Politics, sex, that weird growth on your inner thigh that your mom just let everyone know about; the list is endless.
This year show up prepared with these wonderful side dishes designed to pick the right fight, at the right time, and just the right amount of sarcastic seasoning. Undo your belt and come out of your comer fighting at this year’s Thanksgiving.
I Don’t Want Children Sweet Potato Casserole
Ingredients:
4 sweet potatoes, mashed.
Dash nutmeg, milk, brown sugar
Results of your vasectomy
When it comes to Roe VS. Wade, this dish will get things started off just right! Combine the ingredients in some way that I’m not going to look up. Line the pan with a copy of the paperwork from your vasectomy. Bake and serve right when Uncle Frank starts to go off about the deterioration of the American Family. Serve him a hefty helping of My Body My Choice right from your casserole and watch your mom absolutely go nuts. Blame Uncle Frank and his archaic views for the lack of grand babies.
I Saw Mom and Dad’s Sex Tape Stuffing
Ingredients
Dried bread
Pinch of thyme and rosemary
Chicken Broth
Serve on vintage 1986 VHS tape. You know the one.
Three weeks prior to Thanksgiving, attend your therapy sessions to fully explore your childhood trauma. Let it all come out. Also dry out some bread for the stuffing. Crumble the bread, add chicken broth, and cook until all broth is fully incorporated. When your dad goes on about how you aren’t able to find a boyfriend, and that’s somehow your fault, serve on the very distinctive e VHS tape. Trust me, they know exactly what it is, and will recognize the faded and peeling orange sticker that says “Baptism, 1986.” Let the awkwardness build until everyone leaves the table.
Homemade LBGQT+ Mac and Cheese
Ingredients
3 boxes of Mac and Cheese
Food coloring
Mix 3 boxes of Mac and Cheese. Seriously, it’s not that hard so don’t make it complicated. You don’t need instructions, just do it. Next, color the Mac and Cheese like a pride flag and serve to the most homophobic person at our table, who is probably your cousin that ate dog food as a kid. When he asks “what’s this mean?” reply with “what do you think it means.” Watch the rat wheels turn in his head. You know that you just made colorful Mac and Cheese, but with your cousin, it’s a shot at his traditional American values that somehow revolves around hate. Sit back and watch his explosion.
Uncle Frank’s Secret Affair Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes.
Ingredients
Mashed Potatoes
A secret set of Mashed Potatoes
Garlic
Prepare the potatoes in the typical fashion, which means smacking them with all your frustrations until they are mashed. Then make a second set of mashed potatoes that you will hide in your gym bag. Serve once Uncle Frank completes his Roe VS Wade tirade from the sweet potato casserole. As he gets a helping of mashed potatoes, bring out the other set and point out how secret mashed potatoes didn’t know about the other ones. And maybe the second set didn’t wear its wedding ring to the bars. Does Aunt Judy like the first set of mashed potatoes or the second set without the wedding ring? As Uncle Frank turns red with anger, throw garlic at his head. No one likes Uncle Frank.
Sautéed Brussel Spouts
Ingredients
Brussel Sprouts, 2 lbs.
These are just for throwing, not for eating. It’s good to have your ammunition nearby.
Wild Rice Political Pilaf
Ingredients
2 boxes wild rice pilaf.
A flag of a donkey and a flag of an elephant.
Put cooked rice in a large turkey pan. On one side of the pan, plant the donkey flag. On the other side, plant the elephant flag. Then, as people serve themselves, keep a tallying of which side they serve themselves from. “Interesting,” you say after each scoop and them make a notch in your notebook. When they ask what you are doing, say “don’t worry about it.” And when they ask to see your notebook, ask for their ID. Once they handover the ID, tell them you really wish they could help but they are not registered to see the Wild Rice poll results. Grab your Brussel sprouts in case someone gets uppity.
“You’re Adopted!” Apple Crisps
Ingredients
Apples
Crisps (I don’t know what these are)
Powdered sugar
1 family secret that no one talks about.
Combine sliced apples with something crispy, such as your weird cousin’s foot fetish and how he keeps taking pictures of your feet. Once everyone is done stuffing themselves with self-righteousness, bring out your wonderful dessert and say “have you found your real parents yet?” Don’t mention who and just let the family throw insults and accusations at each other while you enjoy your very crispy apples.
Cranberry Cobbler Uncle Frank is in Prison
Ingredients
2 cans of cranberry sauce, jellied.
Can of biscuits
Powdered sugar
Throw all the ingredients into a very fancy cornucopia. Don’t even bother to cook it, because no one is going to say a word. Not a single word about Cranberry Cobbler Uncle Frank is in Prison. Oh, they all know that it’s garbage. They all know that this is the just desserts for Uncle Frank. But everyone will be forbidden to talk about it. So the cornucopia of slimy red goop will sit right in the middle of the table, and everyone will pretend that it doesn’t exist at all. (I have an Uncle Frank in prison that we aren’t allowed to talk about. Should I bring that up?)
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