I have all this space, but also what if I have a heart attack and no one is here to call 911?
By Frank Kobola
1. This bed is full of possibilities. It represents the ability to do anything, like ball up all the covers and put them between my knees, or sleep at a 45 degree angle across the entire bed because this bed is mine tonight.
2. I’m going to stack all the pillows on top of each other to form a superpillow. This hurts my neck. Maybe I’ll just lay the pillows out underneath my body. Not because I particularly want to, but because I can.
3. I can stretch all my limbs out as far as I want. It feels like the bed is infinite and there’s no end. I can roll around and kick on this thing and never accidentally run into another person. Like Kansas.
4. The bed feels kind of empty. Also just like Kansas. Now that the initial sheen has worn off, I just feel kind of lonely.
5. What if I have a heart attack and no one is here to help me? I’ll wake up, desperately trying to find my partner only to remember they’re staying at a LaQuinta Inn in the middle of nowhere on business, and that’ll be it. My last thought will be about a LaQuinta Inn.
6. What do I even do with my body now? I feel like I normally fall asleep up against my partner, but now I have no one. It’s like I’m just floating in
7. I’m going to make an effigy out of pillows and blankets. Just a vague body shape that I can fall asleep to while hugging. This is not an accurate representation because my partner is way less lumpy.
8. Alright, after that wave of existential panic, this is pretty great. I have the best of both worlds: full command of the bed and also a vaguely human-shaped pile of pillows to hold. This is the American Dream.
9. I woke up in the middle of the night. I panicked, because I thought a wizard had turned my partner into a pile of pillows, and it took me way too long to remember what was really going on.
10. I woke up nine more times. WHY DO I KEEP FREAKING OUT ABOUT MY PARTNER NOT BEING HERE WHILE IN A STATE OF NEAR-SLEEP?
11. That was somehow an amazing and terrible sleeping experience simultaneously. Please come home I’m confused about my feelings.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.
Photo credit: Getty Images