Jordan Gray gives us simple, actionable steps to a better relationship (#’s 6 and 14 are especially genius).
A few weeks ago, I received a first-of-it’s-kind email in my inbox.
A long-term client of mine (named Joseph) told me that he and his wife of twelve years were going to take an extended vacation with each other.
Their shared business was essentially running on autopilot and they had more than enough cash flow to take the time away to work on their relationship.
They said that they wanted to work on a different relationship task together every day for the first two weeks of their vacation (in order to set a loving intention right out of the gate). And they wanted me to write it for them.
After gathering a bit of basic information about them (marriage is doing just fine, both have a relatively healthy sex drive, they would not be taking their children with them on the trip) I wrote up the two week sequence. And since they had been married for a significant enough amount of time, I told them that I had focused a lot of the tasks around newness, connection, communication, and shared experiences. And sex. Lots and lots of high quality sex.
So what does this story have to do with you?
How The 14 Day Relationship Revitalizer Came To Be
At the end of writing up what we had come to affectionately refer to as the ’14 day Relationship Revitalizer’, Joseph was ecstatic with the program.
He was so thrilled in fact, that he requested that I share it with you in an article. So here I am. Doing just that.
Each of the categories alternate throughout the series so that you’re never repeating any theme on back to back days, nor are you repeating any specific task on any day (i.e. there are no repeats of any of the tasks – each daily task is completely unique).
So, without further ado, here is the 14 Day Relationship Revitalizer, exactly as I sent it to my client and his wife. Feel free to do the entire thing in one 14 day succession, space it out over a couple of months as your schedule allows, or simply take your favourite handful of exercises and exclusively do those ones with your partner.
The 14 Day Relationship Revitalizer
1. Praise and Appreciation: You and your partner write up a list of your thirty favourite things about each other, and then read them out loud to each other
Your praise can be about their mind, their character, their body, their appearance, their hobbies, their accomplishments, their quirks… or anything else that comes to mind.
There are no restrictions on the theme of what you are or are not allowed to say. Everything goes. It just has to be true.
2. Romantic Gesture: Massage
Does your partner like a certain kind of touch that they don’t tend to get very often from you? Now’s the time to bring it back into your relationship.
Maybe they crave scalp massages. Or foot rubs. Or a neck and shoulder massage. Whatever kind of touch most makes your significant other feel loved, start with that. Massage them until they’ve had enough (or your hands start to get sore), and then switch the giver and the receiver.
3. Date Night: Create an especially elaborate meal together
Decide on what you want, go out and buy all of the highest quality ingredients you can get your hands on, and revel in the process of creation.
This task should take at least six hours of your day to complete (between shopping and cooking).
Put on your favourite playlist and consume your favourite wine liberally during the cooking process.
4. Communication: Take turns asking your partner the following questions
– How can I love you the best?
– In what ways do I support you in a meaningful way?/How can I support you better?
– How am I doing as a partner lately?
5. Connection Exercise: Forehead-to-forehead breathing
Sit comfortably, facing each other directly. Touch your foreheads together and synchronize your breathing to each other.
Do this for anywhere from 5-20 minutes. Allow a pleasant sounding timer to ease you out of the exercise.
6. Sex: A spoiling session for her
(If you’ve been following my writing for some time, you’ve likely heard of spoiling sessions from me before. If not, you might want to check out this in-depth post about them to get the full details.)
The gist of it is this…
Your partner gets to have a totally selfish block of time (anywhere between 30 minutes to 3 hours is ideal) where she is in control of the environment, the setup, and the actions that are taking place. And it’s all dictated by her, moment to moment.
Maybe she wants to be cuddled. Maybe she wants slow, sensuous oral sex. Maybe she wants to have multiple G-spot orgasms from deep penetration. Or maybe all of the above.
As long as it falls within both of your consensual sexual boundaries, it’s on the table.
Tonight is all about her.
Take time and care to set up the environment as she wants it to be, and then settle into your sexy evening.
Have fun spoiling her!
7. Praise and Appreciation: Bite-sized love messages
Whether you spend the day around each other or not, today is all about bombarding each other with a high volume of small messages.
You can use text messages, folded up pieces of paper strategically hidden around the house, sticky notes, or any other format you desire.
Aim to surprise each other with anywhere from 10-20 messages each throughout the day. And if you are hiding them, make sure you hide them in places that will ensure that your partner discovers them throughout separate parts of their daily routine.
8. Date Night: Take a class together of something that neither of you has ever done before
Class suggestions: thai massage, rock-climbing, ballroom dance, nude model painting, mixology, pottery, improv.
Bonus points for choosing something that gets your heart rates racing and adrenaline pumping. Comfort zones need not apply.
9. Communication: Uninterrupted listening
Each partner gets to share whatever is on their mind, completely uninterrupted, for 20 minutes.
You can share about something that has been stressing you out lately. You can share about all of the things that you feel grateful for. You can tell your partner stories from your childhood that they may or may not have heard before.
Face each other directly. Give lots of eye contact. You are allowed to show non-verbal cues of listening (like nodding, for example). Only speak up during your partner’s share if your partner explicitly asks you to.
Whatever ends up coming out of your mouths, you are bound to learn something new about each other.
10. Connection Exercise: Extended soul gazing
Face each other in a seated position with your knees close to touching and hold eye contact for 5-6 minutes. Yes, you are allowed to blink. Yes, it may feel slightly awkward for the first 1-2 minutes if you’ve never tried this before. And yes, you should avoid talking during the exercise. If the absolute quiet is too uncomfortable for you, choose a 5+ minute song and commit to holding the eye contact for the duration of the song.
Extended eye contact (with someone that you already have positive feelings towards) is scientifically proven to increase feelings of connection and intimacy.
And if you’re feeling like you want a meatier round of homework for today, you are free to do multiple rounds of soul gazing. You can do one seated, one standing, and one lying next to each other with your bare stomachs touching.
11. Date Night: Have an extended bubble bath together
Turn the lights off, light up a few candles, break out your favourite epsom salts and essential oils, and take turns bathing, massaging, and caressing each other.
As always for your date nights, your choice of music and wine are optional.
12. Sex: A spoiling session for him
Same as before, but now it’s the other partners turn!
Again, check out the full description and breakdown of spoiling sessions over here if you need some additional inspiration as to what you would like to happen during your session.
13. Date Night: Pack up some supplies and watch the stars together
Find somewhere (away from the light pollution of a major city) where you know you’ll be able to see the stars vividly at night time. Either watch them on the hood of your car, or on a blanket.
Depending on local weather and circumstances, make sure to pack blankets, quilts, pillows, hand warmers, scarves, bug spray, bottles of wine, or hot chocolate.
Talk about your plans for the future and where you both hope to be in 5, 10, 20, 30, and 50 years.
14. Sex: Carry out this unique sexual connection exercise
Note: it is up to you which of you wants to go first and whom wants to go after.
For this exercise, ensure that you have an easy to use timer with a pleasant ring, and a comfortable, temperature appropriate room. Both of you will be nude for the entirety of the following.
Have your partner lie down on their back. Kneel down next to them, or sit in a comfortable manner.
Place one of your hands, palm down, over their heart. Make sure that you can feel their heart beat, with pressure that is constant but not overly firm.
Next, place your other hand, also palm down, over their genitals. One hand over their heart, the other over their genitals.
With your hands in place, make soft, loving eye contact with your partner and sync up your breathing with each other. It does not have to be audible, or forcibly exaggerated. Just breathe as you normally would, but while in sync with your partner’s breathing. And you do this exercise without speaking.
You carry this exercise out for a minimum of 10 minutes (anywhere from 10-30 minutes is ideal) and when the timer goes off, you slowly make your way down to your partner (without breaking contact with your hands being somewhere on their body) and give them a long, belly to belly embrace.
Once you feel ready, you switch roles and your partner carries out the exercise in the exact same manner but with the roles reversed.
As you can rightfully assume, this exercise is not about sexual arousal as much as it is about connection, presence, and love. If one or both of you happens to become aroused with your partner’s hand on your genitals, that’s totally fine. You’re not breaking any rules. Just keep the hand over the aroused genitals and love them just the same as if they were unaroused. Complete love and acceptance is the goal here.
This relationship revitalizer is powerful for many reasons.
Our hearts and our genitals are two of the most vulnerable areas of our body. To place them, trustingly in our partners hands and to stay connected to them throughout this exercise is truly a magical experience.
You may feel somewhat tense or uncomfortable in the first 2-5 minutes but your body is only able to stay in an anxious state for so long. Eventually, you will drop into it and feel calm, held, and safe.
It’s also a powerful exercise because, in our daily lives, we are so often stuck in our heads and not connected to our bodies. This exercise is one of the absolute best at reconnecting us to our bodies, our hearts, and our sexual energy.
15. Date Night: Hire a professional photographer to take photos of you
Whether you hire the photographer for couple-y portraits walking around in a meadow, or sexy boudoir photos is entirely up to you.
Further down the road, these photos will serve as a snapshot of your relationship at this point in time, and also be a beautiful souvenir for you both committing to (and completing) this challenge with each other.
The 14 Day Relationship Revitalizer: Get Started!
Again, there’s no wrong or right way to do this sequence. If you want to do it all on consecutive days, go for it. If you want to carry out the two weeks of tasks exclusively on weekends because that’s the easiest time for your work schedules, that’s fine too.
As long as you’re putting effort into your relationship, you can’t go wrong.
I hope that you’ve learned something new from the above list.
Feel free to pass this article on to your partner and ask them if they would like to commit to trying this sequence in the near future. Best of luck!
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This article originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DollarPhotoClub.com