Do you ever get overwhelmed with emotion and can’t find the answers to the things giving you grief, sadness, or anxiety?
Maybe you feel alone and seem isolated working through problems and fixing them.
Trust can be difficult, right?
I can easily bet my life savings that this has led to good relationships souring rather quickly.
We can all look back at a relationship that, although needed to end at its state at the time, could have blossomed into something beautiful had you both taken the time to grow and understand how your personalities meshed.
Guess what? I have been in your shoes before. It wasn’t until I learned that relationships falling apart more aligned with attachment style pairings than someone who truly “is not for me.”
Hopefully, this is not the first time you’re visiting my articles, but if it is, welcome!
I write about attachment theory until your ears fall off because I believe it is the center of why most relationships fail.
While I have dug into this in my life, I share lessons and experiences to help you start your attachment-style journey.
What happens if you don’t? Let’s take a look.
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Confirmation bias
Have you left a relationship and moved on to the next one to notice that your needs are not getting attention again?
Of course, it could be that you struck out a couple of times and ran into multiple people who share the same characteristics.
What if we adjusted that thought and recognized some of it is your perception of the degree of the person’s intention not to be there for you?
Because of our attachment style, we have a mental list of actions and behaviors that a partner can display that trigger us.
Now let’s take out the percentage of people who dated a jerk or inattentive person.
More often than not, your partner did not intentionally do something to hurt you.
However
Because our attachment styles pair with communication methods, displays of hurting, and triggers, something not meant to hurt us can be a huge dealbreaker.
Working on your attachment style will change the detrimental effects you feel when you see hurdles with your partner.
Because of your attachment style, what your partner did was intentional, on purpose, and it was break-up-level disrespectful.
I am not saying being disrespected and uncared for is fair. Your attachment style is so powerful that something quickly escalates to a 10/10.
You will always feel it is 10/10 when it could have been easily resolved.
Me, myself and I!
We all know your response to being emotionally triggered by someone else’s behavior.
We run.
We run away because we think, “there is someone else out there who will treat me better, meet my needs, and do what I need.”
Do you notice the problem in that sentence?
When your attachment style takes over, relationships become all about you.
Notice that the words our, us, and we are missing. Relationships are about two people and can’t be all about you and your needs.
Your needs are reasonable and unreasonable.
Yes, your new or existing partner should meet you where you are and grow with you.
But
Your needs come from a place of hurt and past trauma. It is not someone else’s job to put a bandaid over that wound.
You both need to understand your place in your attachment style and work on a method of communication that addresses both of your needs.
I promise you if you do not, you will forever run away and later realize how many mistakes you made when you finally do.
Second place
The last outcome might sound the most painful to hear.
Look. If you don’t work on your attachment style, you will never be in a healthy relationship.
You might think again, “I can find someone who will meet my needs.”
Cool, I guess.
The truth is that it is selfish and self-centered, and you’re neglecting someone else’s needs.
Meeting you where you are at and you not reciprocating is not “meeting in the middle.”
You might be in a relationship that “works,” but I guarantee your partner will resent you.
Learn how to win and stop coming in second place.
A good relationship comes from two people who have worked toward a secure attachment style.
It comes with an understanding of behavior, communication, and mutual needs that are healthy.
Those will develop from a healthy place in your mind rather than a place of pain.
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I live by a strict motto.
Any day can be day 1.
Start today and be on the path to success.
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Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Fearful avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Anxious: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Attachment style pairings in relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Dev Asangbam on Unsplash