I hear so many terms describing toxic relationships and the pain they bring to your life.
Anything from narcissistic abuse, co-dependent relationships, and anxious-avoidant relationships, to even twin flames and on-off relationships.
Everybody wants to put a label on their relationships, partner, or themselves.
I get that.
It is comforting to know what you are dealing with — to know exactly what is toxic, what to fix, and who to avoid.
But that can be overwhelming and counterproductive.
You want clarity, but now you are more confused.
Most importantly, you are confused about what to do and how to deal with this relationship because every piece of advice suggests something different.
And look, relationships are complicated, situational, and contextual. So, there will always be contradicting advice.
But I want to help you sort all this mess out.
In this article, I will categorize toxic relationships into 3 main categories based on the type of people you might deal with.
It is so simple yet so powerful it will make you look at toxic relationships from a different perspective.
This new perspective will empower you to understand them and act effectively.
Almost any toxic relationship you had (or will ever have) fits one or more of the below types.
Let’s get started.
#1 Someone evil and toxic
Evil, in our context, is about deliberately and intentionally attempting to hurt someone.
An evil person will try to hurt you for multiple reasons. Maybe they just enjoy it. Maybe they want to get something from you.
But regardless of the reason, they are intentional when it comes to inducing harm.
They intentionally want to hurt you.
They want to damage you — and maybe get something from you as they watch you get destroyed.
Psychopaths, machiavellians, and narcissists are a perfect example. Especially psychopaths and machiavellian, in my opinion.
Those 3 personalities are called the dark triad.
They lack empathy, which allows them to have no issue hurting you. It makes them think selfishly only about themselves. And they justify all their behaviors.
And there is a level of entertainment involved.
They prey on naive people and enjoy destroying them.
And the fact that those people are naive justifies, in their mind, hurting them.
In other words, they believe you deserve it if you are deceived by them (because you are just too naive).
And they are basically good at spotting naive people. Not to mention that they are generally good at manipulating almost everyone.
In fact, they do not have to look evil. They actually don’t.
They blend very well, and sometimes they are hard to spot. Coming across as a decent, respectful person is one of their tactics.
They are highly charismatic and master communicators. And they know how to come across as reliable and high-value individuals.
Serial killers interviews
If you are a nerd like me, you probably watched psychopath interviews on YouTube.
Almost all of them are charismatic.
A few were evidently violent and intimidating. I remember one guy with zero facial expressions and a monotonus voice.
He did not blink and showed no empathy as he was telling the interviewer how he had tried to cut some girls’ throats.
But even this one sounded charismatic to some extent.
The point is, the majority of these serial killers know how to speak. They know how to manipulate you to submit and how to push your buttons. The conversation will them is like a hypnosis session.
And if you are too polite, you are likely to get screwed by them.
The most important point is that they are intentional about what they are doing.
They want to hurt you.
They do not even see you as a human being — just as an object that will help them achieve a goal.
In less extreme examples, you can find these evil people in relationships and work.
They make the worst partners as they deliberately want to play you.
And they make the worst co-workers, bosses, clients, or partners as they are aiming at the top while they do not deserve to be there, but they will always find a way to convey they are competent.
They make the worst of everything because their intentions are dark.
They are predators.
Some are explicitly so, and others are predators dressed up in sheep’s clothing.
And a predator is intentionally out there to hunt.
To eat you.
They do not attack you because you stepped on their tail. They attack you because you are the perfect meal.
If you do not believe such people exist, you are likely to be on their victims’ list.
Now, here is the shocking part where many people will click away
There is a dark, evil part inside of you, too.
And you might be evil to some extent.
Even “good” people have evil tendencies and desires.
Even “good” people will intentionally target other people’s insecurities and pain points for their own benefit.
You should come to terms with this fact for two reasons.
First, to control this dark side. Second, to defeat the evil people you encounter because it takes a wolf to catch a wolf.
Let me know if you want me to write an in-depth article about that.
Someone toxic, but not evil — just insecure
To put it simply, hurt people hurt people.
These people are guided by their insecurities and fears.
And they are clueless about how to meet their needs in healthy ways.
They are so obsessed with self-protection and running away from pain.
The wounds on their bodies make them keen on not getting hurt again.
But the sad thing is that the defense (or coping) mechanisms they use are just as hurtful — to themselves and others.
Look, we all have insecurities and fears.
And usually, insecurities trigger insecurities. Your insecurity can trigger someone else’s, and vice versa.
For example, look at all the push-pull relationships.
Fear of abandonment can get triggered in so many ways in a relationship.
Fear of intimacy. Fear of commitment.
Usually, the person who suffers from those fears was hurt before.
And now, their toxic behavior is an unconscious response they learned to keep themselves safe.
They do not have malicious intentions of hurting you.
In fact, some of them feel really bad when they hurt others.
But they cannot help but hurt themselves and others simultaneously.
I am not justifying the toxicity.
They are adults and should be responsible for their actions and results in life and in relationships.
But I am reminding you that some understanding and empathy can be useful sometimes.
This understanding will help you take so many things those scared people do less personally.
They are about them, their fear, and their insecurities — not about you.
It will help you stop beating yourself up for their shit.
As a general rule, as long as someone is aware of their wounds and is actively trying to improve and learn healthier ways of relating, it is a green flag.
We all are messed up here and there.
You do not want people to give up on you if you are really doing your part and trying your hardest.
You do not want someone to judge you based on your wounds and past.
So, stop doing that to others.
- Understand that hurt people hurt people, even if they are good people with pure intentions.
- Use empathy and understanding as much as it is appropriate.
- Look for someone who is willing to work on their wounds. And do not take people’s actions personally.
More importantly, work on yourself and on your wounds to not hurt others.
You are not immune to being toxic, regardless of your intentions.
And most importantly, be willing to walk away and let go of those who keep hurting you and themselves if they are not willing to cooperate.
A toxic relationship (not toxic people)
Ok, some people might find this surprising.
And I also believe this is somehow rare, at least not as popular as the previous type.
The internet is full of content telling you that relationships are toxic because one or both partners are toxic.
And that is correct.
But what they do not discuss that often, probably because it does not sell, is that some relationships between good people can be toxic, too.
It is not because something is wrong with one of you.
And it is not because you are (or they are) toxic to the point of making the relationship miserable.
Both of you could be perfectly fine, emotionally healthy, and secure.
But, together, you create a toxic dynamic.
The short answer can be an incompatibility in the relationship.
Some people are bad together.
Their personalities are so different, and so are their values and lifestyle.
Some are extreme introverts getting married to extreme extroverts. That will be a real challenge.
Different ambition levels can cause a lot of issues, too. Different lifestyles (none of which is toxic, of course).
Even different love languages or communication skills can cause trouble.
Of course, I am talking about differences that are so big that cannot be worked on because they are who a person is, not just their coping mechanisms.
And please, don’t define yourself with your wounds and insecurities. Again, I cannot stress this enough, I am talking here about personality traits, not coping/defense mechanisms.
Inevitably, coming together to make a relationship happen and ignoring all that will create an unhealthy, toxic relationship.
It doesn’t mean one of you is toxic. It just means the dynamic of the relationship you create together is toxic.
Meditate on that.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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