Learn The Lesson
“Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you.” — Shannon L. Alder
I’ve never been cheated on, but my friends and family have been.
My mom cheated on my dad.
My grandpa cheated on my grandma.
My brother’s first love cheated on him.
My best friend got cheated on by his high school sweetheart.
My dad still holds resentment towards my mom. My brother and best friend feel insecure and jealous in their relationships leading to arguments, unhealthy emotional and behavioral patterns, and, more importantly, unsuccessful relationships.
You can prevent the repercussions and occurrence of cheating if you learn whether it’s your fault, their fault, or both of your faults.
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The 3 Reasons They Cheated
“Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girls mouth!” — Gemma Halliday
1. Your fault.
They cheated on you because of your actions and behaviors.
Your bouts of insecurity, jealousy, rage, neediness, and controlling tendencies caused them to lose attraction.
Conversely, your demonstration of indifference, minimal attention, and cold desire caused them to feel unloved.
2. Their fault
They struggle with attention and validation.
When they’re not getting your undivided attention in large amounts (which is unhealthy), they feel insecure and self-sabotage by cheating.
3. Both
People cheat because it’s an easy way out of the relationship.
Telling a person you don’t like them anymore or you never really liked them is a lot harder than cheating and using that as an excuse to break up.
Forcing a connection to fill a need causes a natural disconnect that creates the wandering eye. Once one of the parties doubts the relationship, they start wondering about the compatibility of another.
Assuming a genuine connection, a lack of communication and other negative behaviors caused your partner to cheat. The inability to communicate wants, needs, and feelings create a lack of unity, empathy, and desire, so they had a moment of indifference and cheated.
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Solutions to Each
“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.” — Diane Von Furstenberg
1. Your fault
The only thing we can control in this world is our actions.
You need to understand how your actions can make or break a relationship. Yes, it takes two to tango, but you can’t control another person’s actions.
Become less reactive. Understand your needs and see if you can get them met without your partner.
If you’re feeling anxious about them going to a party without you, relieve your anxiety with a self-compassionate inner dialogue. How you talk to yourself will change your perspective and rewire your brain for positive perceptions and emotions.
Expressed anger or jealously is the worst thing you can do. Lashing out only causes the other person to distance themselves because they’re scared of getting hurt emotionally and perhaps physically.
Also, they begin to trust you less because they don’t believe you know how to control your emotions and feel overly responsible for your feelings.
Overreacting can cause your partner to cheat, but so can underreacting. If your partner expresses their need for your attention and you don’t deliver, they begin to feel you don’t like them anymore.
Less is more. You don’t have to give them flowers, make them food, or talk sports with them. But little gestures of listening and understanding will go further than you can imagine.
Listen when they talk. Seek to understand their feelings. Hear their joys without sharing yours. Attend to their problems without trying to solve them.
2. Their fault
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Once you see behaviors that indicate a need for excessive approval and attention, leave. You can’t save the other person. Emotional patterns and behaviors are difficult to overcome.
Be self-aware and intuitive enough to differentiate their actions from your interpretation.
Does your partner talk to another person mean she’s flirting, or are you jealous? Are their needs for your attention overbearing, or do you need to work on being more attentive?
3. Both
Give yourself the love you desire.
Forcing a connection leaves you anxious, unfulfilled, and vulnerable. We all crave intimacy, but it can’t be at our or another’s expense.
When you give yourself the love you yearn for, you’re able to recognize and connect with similar people.
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Quick Guide on How to Love Yourself
“You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others.” — Steve Maraboli
Be nice to yourself. You can’t love yourself without being kind to yourself.
Unconditionally accept your inner and outer experience, even your need for intimacy. Judging yourself creates internal splits that leaves you feeling shameful and less than. To eradicate the shame, you seek approval from others.
Set boundaries. Say yes when you genuinely mean it. Say no when you genuinely mean it.
Interestingly, self-love will affect your interpretations, reactions, and communication naturally.
You learn how to self-soothe painful and intense emotions.
You become more aware of the emotions and needs of your partner.
You’re more willing to express your wants and needs without the dependency of the other person.
Lastly, you’re less likely to mistreat your partner because of the gentle kindness you award yourself.
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Final Words
“Her wounds brought her a great source of power because they lived in the same place as her heart.” — Shannon L. Alder
To find and keep that partner that “get us”, makes us feel peaceful and happy, we have to become the best versions of ourselves.
Every experience — personal or not — is an opportunity to extract a lesson and grow. Being cheated on can leave you worse or better off.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kat J on Unsplash