Finally—a straight-forward list of the exact types of guys she wants and needs.
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In the midst of all that dreadful small talk that plagues initial encounters, the same question often comes up: “So what are you looking for?” I have yet to give a guy a serious answer to that one, but perhaps I should prepare a formal statement in case I get cornered and cannot think straight some lovely day near or far.
So what am I looking for?
The usual brain/heart/body requirement rings true, but what does it mean? The mental and physical connections are easy. We either can keep up with each other, or we cannot. There is either chemistry between us, or there is not. And it is not terribly difficult to find someone who fits both of those well enough to do the trick. The emotional bit, however, is what does me under now as it did in the past. Not because I am that emotionally complicated, but because emotions are inconstant by nature.
Identifying my emotional needs is like identifying my taste in food. Both are a moving target. Both depend on when you ask me to identify them. Some days, there is not enough sugar in this world to satisfy my sweet tooth. Other days, as much as I hate spicy food, I am going to order that thing on the menu that has a pepper next to it. In the morning, I like something sour. For a midnight snack, I make myself a simple plate. At the moment, I am craving something covered in sauce. So what are my emotional equivalents of sweet, spicy, sour, simple, and saucy?
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The Nurturer
There was a period in my life when I was terrified of loss. One way or another, no one from my childhood was still with me, and I was set to collapse. When we feel ill, we seek a healer. So the first man I connected to emotionally was the nurturing type. He took care of me and protected me from the world. Nothing bad was going to happen to me as long as I was with him. He even convinced me that I was like a “ball of steel that no amount of splattered paint could make less solid.” I was grateful to the Nurturer for leading me back to safety. Unfortunately, the price of that safety was a lack of adventure. So boredom eventually kicked me in the ass, and I left in search of a story.
One way or another, no one from my childhood was still with me, and I was set to collapse. When we feel ill, we seek a healer. So the first man I connected to emotionally was the nurturing type. He took care of me and protected me from the world. Nothing bad was going to happen to me as long as I was with him. He even convinced me that I was like a “ball of steel that no amount of splattered paint could make less solid.” I was grateful to the Nurturer for leading me back to safety. Unfortunately, the price of that safety was a lack of adventure. So boredom eventually kicked me in the ass, and I left in search of a story.
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The Unavailable One
Now that I was feeling steel-like, I decided to rid myself of loss once and for all because “there’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once –.” I don’t want to be fooled again.
I don’t want to be fooled again.
I think I got that right, but you can never be sure with those Texan sayings. Either way, turns out there are two ways to avoid getting duped into loss: 1) have no one, or 2) be with someone you do not really have. Option one did not sound like much of an option, so I turned to an empty man instead. Since I could never have a real bond with him, and since it is impossible to lose what you do not have, I was all set. I had a partner and nothing to lose. I was about to have my cake and eat it too. I think that’s a saying in Texas too! It was great. I knew exactly what to expect and, more importantly, I was in control. All thanks to this emotionally unavailable guy. As much as those lads get the rap from their ladies for their lack of availability, that was precisely what I needed to pause, regroup, and regain my independence. But a hallow man makes you feel alone if you are not hollow yourself. And since it is much harder to
But a hollow man makes you feel alone if you are not hollow yourself. And since it is much harder to feel alone than be alone, depression eventually kicked me in the ass, and left in search of some company.
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The Needy One
The easiest place to find company is with those who need it. Those guys cannot get enough of you! Or of anyone for that matter. They want to tell you all about their past, their present, and somehow even their future. And it is actually pretty nice. No way you can possibly feel alone with your phone lighting up every other minute. So I turned to a man who needed constant attention and, inadvertently, became his Nurturer. It was so invigorating to help someone, inspire him, make him happy, that I quickly and gladly turned it into a habit. I started looking for people, young and old, boys and girls, who needed something I could give. I want to think that I took to it because I am kind, but I fear I did it because it makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel strong and
Those guys cannot get enough of you! Or of anyone for that matter. They want to tell you all about their past, their present, and somehow even their future. And it is actually pretty nice. No way you can possibly feel alone with your phone lighting up every other minute. So I turned to a man who needed constant attention and, inadvertently, became his Nurturer. It was so invigorating to help someone, inspire him, make him happy, that I quickly and gladly turned it into a habit. I started looking for people, young and old, boys and girls, who needed something I could give. I want to think that I took to it because I am kind, but I fear I did it because it makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel strong and powerful, like I am “just one call away,” and “Superman got nothing on me.” Whatever the reason may be, I have Needy to thank for giving me something I did not have before: an altruistic purpose.
Whatever the reason may be, I have Needy to thank for giving me something I did not have before: an altruistic purpose.
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The Unpredictable One
The Needy One, however, ended up being a bit narcissistic. So into the friend zone he went and I, for the first time, did not go looking for anything specific. I was officially okay being single. Well, sort of single. One thing the Nurturer, the Unavailable, and the Needy had in common was that they were all one-dimensional, which made them predictable and ultimately boring. So impulsive and exciting sounded inviting at the moment. That moody dude that always keeps you wondering what you are going to have to deal with in the morning, how that is going to change after lunch, and whether you will even be having dinner together at the end of the day. Drama! I hate drama like I hate spicy food, but sometimes that wasabi lurking in the corner of a sushi platter is hard to resist. As thankful as I am to Unpredictable for spicing up some bland moments, I prefer emotional sanity. Is that an oxymoron?
So into the friend zone he went and I, for the first time, did not go looking for anything specific. I was officially okay being single. Well, sort of single. One thing the Nurturer, the Unavailable, and the Needy had in common was that they were all one-dimensional, which made them predictable and ultimately boring. So impulsive and exciting sounded inviting at the moment. That moody dude that always keeps you wondering what you are going to have to deal with in the morning, how that is going to change after lunch, and whether you will even be having dinner together at the end of the day. Drama! I hate drama like I hate spicy food, but sometimes that wasabi lurking in the corner of a sushi platter is hard to resist. As thankful as I am to Unpredictable for spicing up some bland moments, I prefer emotional sanity. Is that an oxymoron?
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The Equal
The above account of my not-so-fantastic four is truthful, but not entirely factual. To conceal identities, I altered form to a point that will get my ex-husband wondering, “Wait, which one am I suppose to be?” However, the substance I left untouched. This is the true effect men in my past have had on me. And it is a very real and sincere gratitude that I feel towards all of them. This fifth one, however, is entirely a figment of my imagination.
If I ever give a guy a serious answer when he asks me what I am looking for, I will tell him that I am looking for the Equal—someone who loves, rages, takes, gives, welcomes, rejects, forgives, and remembers same as me, be that too little, too much, or just right. Someone as nurturing, as unavailable (or available if the topic is worth fussing over), as needy, and as impulsive as me. Again, be that too little, too much, or just right. Perhaps Needy’s narcissism rubbed off on me a bit because I am now apparently looking for myself in another. We do not have to agree on things – in fact, I like to argue, so bring it on! We do not have to have the same taste in anything – though I am hoping Adele will not be on his playlist. We do not need to complete each other in any way – I feel pretty complete already. We just need to be capable of and open to the same intensity of emotions.
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I know the odds of finding that degree of sameness, on top of an intellectual and physical compatibility, are pretty slim. If I did the math correctly in my previous article, then we are at about a one percent chance here. Perhaps I should listen to my advice and stick to my bromances.
But I am afraid that hope or denial, if there is a difference, will make me forget all that long division of statistical data as soon as the wind blows the right way and a guy follows its lead. And I am okay with that. Perhaps it is not what we know to be true, but what we choose to do with or despite that knowledge that shapes the moments of our lives.
So what are you choosing to look for knowing what you know?
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Photo: Getty Images
And thank you for sharing this!
Editors:
I stopped reading after #3. Obviously no one bothered to read it before putting this piece up.
I will come back to it when it is properly edited.
It’s ok to expect a certain type of person in our lives, but what is often lacking is the list of what we must work on so as to be of worth to that individual that we seek. I hear this complaint from men in regard to dating profiles. The women presents a laundry list of expectations, what the man must be, but not a word as to what she has to offer in return. I see guys that hit the gym 7 days a week and believe that because they are “buff” women should flock to them, but they… Read more »
I hear you DJ. Still, I find articles like this interesting. A little bit of introspection from a woman’s perspective that indicates she’s working out the hows and whys of her relationship experience is always worth a read. It didn’t read like a laundry list, or like some attempt at describing any universal advice about how to be. It felt like one person’s thoughtful take on things from their own experience, that maybe others can relate to.
I certainly enjoyed reading it, despite the crazy lack of proper editing.