Not gonna lie, this piece makes me a little nervous.
It’s not because I don’t understand what I’m writing about. It’s quite the opposite. I understand a little too well.
The pull toward perfectionism has kept me from taking chances and making positive changes in my life. It’s kept me from taking chances in my writing. It’s kept me grounded when I want to fly.
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I could put this piece through several drafts and have it reviewed by several different people I trust, and I know it’ll never be perfect.
Perfect: yikes! There’s a loaded word. Shall we explore further?
I have always felt a pull toward perfectionism. Everything I do, I want to do right. I want to be perfect.
I get it. There was only one Mr. Perfect and he’s in the WWE Hall of Fame.
The pull toward perfectionism has kept me from taking chances and making positive changes in my life. It’s kept me from taking chances in my writing. It’s kept me grounded when I want to fly.
I’m not rationalizing or excusing here. But there’s an explanation for all this.
Perfectionism is one of the behavior hallmarks of adult children of alcoholics. We develop this device in order to stay sane in a chaotic atmosphere. It’s part of the mask we wear.
We can be the ultimate people pleasers. We never think we’re good enough. Expressing ourselves emotionally can be a real chore. We don’t trust.
I could go on and on.
You may have noticed I used “we” a lot there. That’s because I am an adult child. My parents were deeply loving, highly intelligent, and very generous. They were also both alcoholics.
I’m not saying this to condone them or to damn them. I’m saying this to explain.
While speaking with a friend of mine a few days ago, I mentioned that I could say something a lot more eloquently in writing than I do in my speaking.
“The non-eloquent and the messy times are when the real gems surface.”
See, that seems so backwards to me. I can’t stand sounding ignorant or less than what I am. It’s like a lead balloon on my head.
Or something like that.
Perfectionism is one of the behavior hallmarks of adult children of alcoholics. We develop this device in order to stay sane in a chaotic atmosphere. It’s part of the mask we wear.
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I go to the gym probably five or six days a week. I work out hard. My diet has gotten cleaner. I’ve built a significant amount of muscle in the past year and a half. But my body fat has also yo-yoed.
I will always struggle with my weight. I know I’ll never look like Brad Pitt from Fight Club or my celebrity doppelganger Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool. I know I’ll never be perfect. I like food, what can I say?
My novel Written in the Stone was not just a product of five years of work, but it was a product of almost thirty years of dreaming. It was a dream come true in many ways. But even if it was the second coming of The Great Gatsby I’ll always find flaws in it.
Know why? It wasn’t perfect.
The main takeaway here is that perfection isn’t possible. But excellence is always in the grasp.
For you perfectionists out there, I’ve got a few tips to consider.
- Overthinking is the bane of the perfectionists’ existence. It’s like red meat to this context. Consider what you’re overthinking and ask yourself “why not go with your gut?”
- Try this. For the next week, wear mis-matched socks. Or wear a brown belt with black shoes. See if anyone notices.
- Ask yourself this question: “what is my perfectionism serving?” Am I holding myself back from taking any action because I’m afraid I won’t be able to do something perfectly?
Note to self on that last one.
The pull toward perfection may seem like a noble pursuit. But it’s slowly (or maybe not so slowly) driving you away from your goals and dreams. Excellence is attainable. Never forget that.
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The pull toward perfection may seem like a noble pursuit. But it’s slowly (or maybe not so slowly) driving you away from your goals and dreams. Excellence is attainable. Never forget that.
Recovery from perfectionism isn’t easy, but it is a trip I’m taking along with you. Let’s do this together. Shoot me an email at [email protected] or visit my website at team-ryan.team.
I will always strive for excellent. My next book will be excellent (as soon as I write the thing.) My coaching practice will be excellent. My personal life will be excellent. My physical health will be excellent.
But I know it’ll never be perfect. And that is imperfectly okay.
Photo by Masum Khan