James M. Sama delivers the rough truth you may need to hear.
–
Having put myself in a situation where I consistently write about dating and relationships from the male perspective, I have also put myself – understandably – in a situation where my opinions are criticized and ridiculed. Hey, bring it on, I am always willing to accept being wrong in order to learn, adjust, and advance.
However, I will only do this if I can be shown with good reason that someone else’s methods, thoughts, or ideas are proven to be more successful than mine are. Meaning: If you are a perpetually single male who tells me that what I say women want isn’t exactly what they want, then one may begin to ask how exactly, you would know that.
But despite what it may seem, I am not writing this article to start a fight. I am not looking for ‘backup’ from my readers nor am I trying to sound like I have all of the answers, because I don’t. But, I am honest, and a lot of what I see floating around the internet (directed at both men and women) is not honest…
You see, in the age of social media, we are running across more and more people who use these platforms to justify themselves. They post photos and ideas for compliments but heaven forbid receive any criticism, lest they will delete the comment(s) and block the offenders. Social media has become a haven for narcissism where you can choose to only allow people into your world who will justify your thoughts and opinions, no matter how valid or invalid.
Am I suggesting that you allow yourself to be flooded by negativity and those who ridicule you? Of course not, I am a firm believer in surrounding one’s self with positive people who will lift you higher. However, this can also be done to a fault.
“Just be yourself!” “Any woman would be lucky to have you!” “The right person will come along, don’t worry!”
All pieces of malignant dating advice tossed around to each other by the perpetually single like a hot potato.
All the while while commenting how they follow my advice and still remain solo on Saturday nights. After all, they serenaded their crush nightly outside her window a-la-John-Cusack’s boombox in Say Anything. That’s romantic, right?
They sent that good morning text that I mentioned to their girlfriend. Every day. At 6am. Every. Day. And she had the audacity to break up with him? Don’t worry man, someone will eventually appreciate your persistence.
He did those things she wanted to do, too. He never even complained about it. Hell, he was so flexible he didn’t even offer his own suggestions, he let her plan everything to make sure she was happy!
You may have heard the saying before: “There can be too much of a good thing.” And it rings especially true when it comes to dating and relationships. No woman wants to be babied or fawned over by a man who doesn’t have his own identity. No woman wants to be smothered to the point of emotional suffocation. No woman wants to feel like she has to take her leash off of her puppy dog and put it on you, instead.
Sometimes, “be yourself” is doing you more harm than good. I know there was a phase in my life where being myself wasn’t getting me anywhere. I had to learn, grow, and adapt. I had to figure out what I was doing wrong and understand why it wasn’t working. Did I allow it to change the nature of who I actually was at my core? No, of course not, but life is all about forward motion. If you are standing still you are being left behind.
Be yourself in the sense that you should continue to be loving and kindhearted. Be genuine. But allowing yourself to be appeased by the comfortable discomfort of thinking that what hasn’t worked for you in the past will someday snap into action and land you the woman of your dreams, is simply the act of fooling yourself.
For some people, being single is a choice. For others, they simply just haven’t met the right person yet, but we have to be honest here and say that some people just haven’t figured it out yet. And I’m sorry that nobody out there is giving you the honest feedback you need to hear:
It might be your fault.
But the rest of that sentiment is: It’s okay! None of us have it all figured out all the time. We have all made mistakes and failed to get to where we are, it’s a natural part of life, and honestly I believe that’s one of the things that makes life beautiful and interesting – the ability to develop.
Imagine if we were condemned to remain our 15 or 20 year old selves for life? How would we ever start a family? Handle a marriage? Start a business or get a job? Life is all about progression, so if it’s your fault, don’t worry – you can change.
Women want a balance. Too much of anything, good or bad, will push them away.
You want to capture the heart of a woman? Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don’t fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent, surprise her. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest. If you can master that, she will never stop loving you.
You don’t have to be a bad boy or a nice guy, you can be both. Challenge her, seduce her, empower her. But also love, honor, and value her.
–
Originally appeared at James Michael Sama’s blog
Love James? Follow him on Facebook and Twitter
–
Photo: Flickr/EMILIE RHAUPP
You judgmental prick. What a God-awful title for an article. There is nothing wrong with being single, whether by choice or even though you would prefer being coupled up. You make it sound as if being single is some type of heinous crime or loathsome disease. F… off
If you have a 50/50 chance of losing everything because of a bad choice, what man in his right mind would get married? Russian Roulette would give better odds. Save yourself the drama and expense.
Well with the kind of women we have out there nowadays which is a very excellent reason why many of us good men are still single now.
Well i can certainly blame the kind of women we have out there today why many of us good men are still single now.
Every bad relationships I ever had, I got from “selling myself” and “being a product”. The two best girlfriends I had, I got by being frank, open, relaxed and showing genuine interest in them, instead of packaging myself. Not a good piece of advice this is.
I agree Serge!
It is a terrible advice.
We are not commodities looking for a buyer ….
you kind of are, see if a man (most men ) have one number and its yours you have 20 mens numbers, your dating 4 other men and nailing another 2, that means he has to compete with the hundred or so people who try to get your number, then he has to compete with the 20 other mens numbers you got , then after that they have to compete with the other 4 men to get to regular dating stage, then he has to compete with the 2 other men your nailing as well as your exes who cheated… Read more »
very true.
@Serge, I agree too! Being your authentic self is the best. You need no packaging and selling. You are just the authentic you. Relaxed, emotionally honest, and genuinely interested in her as a person works 100% of the time. So, much here in America is just fake and false imagery. Smoke and mirrors so to speak. If you are looking for a short-term relationship (here in America that means a few months, at most) then this crap works. It is just as effective as PUA stuff. I say his advice should be sent to to the garbage heap of human… Read more »
Not to dispute the basic logic and practicality of the simple underlying advice here (that people want balance and “too much of anything, good or bad, will push them away” and such imbalance can often be self-perpetuating in origin) but it also occurs to me: Given that one accepts the general premise; that such ‘fault’ -not being an external, societal one- may then logically be presumed to be one of internal, individual origin. However, in accepting the notion that such ‘fault’ or ‘blame’ is not external in origin (and that hence assigning it there is erroneous, vainglorious, or otherwise a sign… Read more »
I can only say this:
Read Married Man Sex Life Primer – Athol Kay
Greatest read for any men, married or single.
It’s not the answer, but will get you a long way down the road.
I like to think of it as constantly getting better at being me.
I can always be a better, more empowered, more attractive, more solid, more loving, more sexy, more confident version of me.
That’s the distinction I like.
I think that’s a good way of looking at it- thanks Damien.
Your comments where pure awesomeness Damien.
“The Advice Nobody Gives Men: It’s Your Fault You’re Single”
Is this one of those “conversation no-one else is having” pieces?
Because, erm….we get told that like, all the time. And it’s scarcely the first piece run on this blog that steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that women might share even a modicum of responsibility for the status quo in dating today.
@ OirishM
“It’s Your Fault You’re Single”
Look at that through the lens of Elliott Rodger and the accusations of entitlement, etc. I can’t remember the exact phrasing but it was something like women are not prizes or rewards to be won or earned. Isn’t that though what society tells men all the time? If only you were this or changed that or put up with this, you’d have some one.
“Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily.”
Utterly despicable.
Despicable is a bit strong. I would use the word conditional. Conditional love from beginning to end. You have to earn it every day. That’s totally unacceptable to me. If this is the truth every one considering relationships and marriage should know it.
“The Advice Nobody Gives Men: It’s Your Fault You’re Single”
This is satire….right?
We live in a culture that demands men be disposable, replaceable cogs. Men are told/shown from birth on, that they are owed nothing by society, their true role is to provide for others at any and all cost to themselves. That if you don’t manage to get ahead the only thing at fault is worthless yourself.
“This is satire….right?”
I would not insult the great Aristophanes by equating this to satire.
This is more like very poor quality fiction.
Men are bombarded with this message since before the internet.
Except that men are bombarded by the wrong reasons for why and what they need to change about themselves – not “alpha” enough, not mean enough, etc. It’s never basic stuff like make the best of who you are, be kind and flexible but have opinions of your own, make sure your fetishes match up on the major things…
Then men become whiny, vindictive sore losers and wonder why nobody wants to be around that. Or they become formless lumps waiting for a woman to magically mould them into a person.
Sure, but it isn’t just men. Nobody seems like they want to compromise. You’re married and have a problem. Why work it out just get divorced. Therein lies the sentiment you see. You can convince a man to trade things for something better, but why should I change even the slightest if I’m better off without her?
Well, of COURSE it’s my fault that I’m single. Just as it’s my fault for attaining a decent education, a six-figure income, a nicely diversified basket of assets, good friends, and the time to travel and be active in my community. It is also my fault that I do not contribute to anyone’s alimony, child support, or community property settlements. Yes, it’s my fault. Thank God.
We get it William. Your life is awesome. You are a perfectly formed human being with no need for improvement around his relationship to women. Six-figure income, diversified basket of assets, not paying child support..you amazing man you. You’ve done it and you don’t better then those poor shmucks that got married and divorced and now have to actually help pay for their own child and make less then 6 figure incomes.
Sure, but you might be better off single. Be yourself ensures that you find someone you’re compatible with or at least it does in theory. Some people just haven’t realized that there are deal breakers and there are things to “trade” for something better. I had an associate who I knew for years. He was financially successful. If not a millionaire then very close to it. He took care of himself. Went to the gym, etc. He was single and in his 40s then he married a woman about 10 years younger. It was kind of surprising so I asked… Read more »