At one time in my life, before a child and a spouse, I considered myself fairly social. I would go out for drinks/dinner with my friend(s) at least once a week, while also seeking out fun things to do on the weekend. While my family often finds things to do together, I sometimes wonder where my friends went.
It’s not that I’m against going to social places now. I do enjoy hitting a bar once in a while, or getting out for some live music. However, I often go alone. A few times I’ve asked dudes I know if they’ll come with me, but oftentimes they’re dealing with their own life (or maybe have a better offer.)
I started noticing that certain friends — both male and female — began to lose interest in hanging out when I was approaching my 30’s, before many of us could use the excuse of being busy with parenting. While there’s no doubt that taking care of a child means sacrificing some social interactions, there’s got to be more to this whole thing of friendless middle-aged men.
(Okay, not friendless. I still have actual friends, some who I think will be around forever. But ask me how often I see them. Also, I have like 500 “friends” on Facebook, but rarely interact with most of them.)
You’re not alone in this friendless desert
I fully accept if some of my “friends” have disappeared because I’m too weird for them or whatever. Quite frankly, I’m tired of living behind a facade to keep certain people around — it’s tiring, and usually not worth it. Besides, I don’t think I’m that hard to be around… or maybe I am, and just can’t accept it.
Meanwhile, my spouse doesn’t seem to have any trouble keeping up socially. She has a strong core of friends that she sees fairly regularly. She even hangs out on weeknights with them once in a while, which is perfectly cool with me. I think it’s healthy to have relationships outside family, and the experts agree. But it makes me wonder — is there something wrong with me, or do middle-aged men just have trouble maintaining friendships? If so, why?
Well, it turns out I’m not the first man to notice this trend. There’s a great article about men my age having trouble sustaining friendships from 2021, which is a good read, and also convinces me I’m not crazy. The general consensus is that with work and parenting in the picture, friendships often are the first to be sacrificed among men. That’s not to say they’re not your friends anymore, but it does mean you might only have a text/email relationship between scarce visits.
There are other theories as to why men pull back socially in their later years. One of them is that men prefer shared activities like sports as opposed to one-on-one meet-ups. (I have tried joining sports leagues/tournaments, and made a few acquaintances, but not much more.)
I’d like to offer a few theories of my own as well:
• Men are more tired as they adjust to more domestic duties (as they should) and don’t have the energy to socialize
• Men do not like talking on the phone so much (but we text like mad)
• Some of our “friends” have shown their ugly sides, especially in recent years, so we keep them at a distance
• Gen-X men are taught to be stoic and hold in emotions, and may not reach out to friends as much for support as women do
• Lack of certain social skills from a privileged existence
• Health issues such as anxiety/depression or obesity might make men feel inferior to other men
• Some men don’t have the healthiest self-image, and don’t think they’re good enough to have many friends
I can definitely relate to that last one. I like some things about myself, but I’m acutely aware that I don’t naturally relate to a lot of people. Sometimes that makes me feel like an outsider — almost like I’m a burden on a social group. I suspect this is why some of my friends who suffer from depression or other issues have ghosted me in the past.
This isn’t just about my male friends. I have always been able to be friends with women in a plutonic way, even ones I was attracted to. Apparently this makes me a “simp”, but I go to concerts and even out to dinner with women with no expectations. I hang out with them because I enjoy their company.
But even some of my female friends have disappeared in the past decade, even when they got to know and appreciate my spouse. It makes me wonder if I imagined those friendships, or if there’s something really wrong with my behaviour.
Our real friends are still there for us, even if they’re not actually there
Anyways, this article is not about self-pity. It’s just an honest look at middle-aged male friendships, and the fact they’re broken. I can’t name too many males I know that have active social lives outside of their family life, unless they’re sneaking out the window like a teenager at midnight. Other guys I see getting out there socially all the time, but common traits seem to be having no children, and finding an activity that involves collaboration.
I know there are some people that would be there for me at the drop of a hat if I really needed them, and vice versa. I’m also aware that not all middle-aged men suffer from lack of social activity, which can actually lead to some health problems — and even an early death.
I am grateful for those friends who have stuck around in my life. And I definitely admit contributing to the problem of not maintaining friendships. While some of my friends don’t reach out to me anymore, I don’t reach out to many of them either for some of the reasons listed above.
Hopefully as men work to improve themselves and shed some of their anger, they’ll start connecting with each other more confidently (as well as appealing to more women.) But in the meantime, thanks for leaving a friendly comment on my article.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: iStock
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