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I was deeply wounded when I ended my last relationship. I felt betrayed and I was deeply mistrustful of the opposite sex. I assumed the worst. I tried to date following the breakup but found myself to be emotionally distant and unable to find safety in a budding relationship even if I really liked someone.
I pulled back into my cocoon and went into a discovery mission. I lost my identity at the end of that relationship and I decided that what I was doing wasn’t working for me. I had a very real fear of making the same mistakes and wasting more years of my life.
I began a fact-finding mission to understand that opposite sex and the mistakes I was making that sent my relationship to a crashing halt.
My ex was kind enough to clue me in on a few things that I didn’t know because I was a woman and I assumed what didn’t bother me shouldn’t bother someone else. But, men are different than women. While I thought I was being myself, myself was rubbing my ex the wrong way in how I approached him because he interpreted them in ways I didn’t understand.
Insert, my platonic male friends.
I cultivated platonic relationships with truthful males. They were men who had no vested interest in lying to me. Either they were men who were basically players or they were just men who were nice to me because they found me interesting. The stereotypical male player doesn’t feel the need to lie to women because he can get what he wants by telling the truth. These men filled in so many holes in my male knowledge by being candidly honest about how men think and why they do the things they do.
After interacting with men, I have a whole different outlook on how to conduct my relationships and I looked at my ex-boyfriend in a different light. It made me more compassionate towards him and softened my anger towards how things played out between us. It made it easier to forgive.
I was naïve before I had a series of conversations and realizations. As I gained more and more of an understanding of how men handle intimacy and how they view relationships, I understood that even if a man chooses it for himself that he may not want the same relationship you want.
I thought being in the relationship meant that we were equally committed. But, we never were. He was conditionally committed and still trying to figure out if it was what he wanted long-term even if he was there every single day. While I was unconditionally committed and sure that I was with the person I wanted to be with. And, we both approached situations from our different viewpoints.
He was the runner and I was the chaser. I didn’t understand why he was trying to maintain distance. And, I would keep trying to get closer and not feel disconnected. And, when he relaxed for a minute, I thought everything was good. He would go in these cycles of relaxing, looking for an escape than trying to get me to end the relationship for him. And, we would go through this emotional crisis over and over. I thought it was just something to overcome to get closer. But, we were never going to be closer. Because he wasn’t running from a commitment. He was running from a commitment to me.
The honesty of my guy friends helped me reframe the relationship to see that I had the relationship I wanted. He never knew what he wanted from me and he was resistant to making a decision. So, it was never going to be tranquil. He needed to be free of me and vice versa.
I didn’t leave that relationship with my self-esteem intact. I felt feeling like the biggest failure. I had tried my hardest but I couldn’t make it work and it didn’t end in happily ever after. I was rocked and insecure but these friendships mirrored my worth back to me over and over until I put myself back together again.
I developed friendships with men who didn’t want anything from me but to explore my thinking, enjoy my companionship and be motivated by me.
And, through them, I healed those leftover wounds.
The men I interacted with were kind and affirming. Some were patient. Others were respectful. But, all-in-all, my distrust was healed and hope was restored. I watched many find their own loving relationships which were further proof that I can choose the right people to form bonds with.
You never know how the kindness you bestow to someone when they are hurting can heal not only a broken heart, but a broken spirit.
I think platonic relationships offer us the chance to hear without defense and to care without demand. They are a contract where both people can be themselves without something larger to gain which allows them to be imperfect in front of someone else. And, I think they teach us to look at things through the eyes of someone who is the same, but different in subtle ways that we could never conceptualize from our own experiences.
If you can find the right person to share a platonic relationship with, they may help you to love the opposite sex a little better than you could have on your own. And, it will serve you in the foundation of the next relationship you build because you have learned to love someone else’s differences as much as their similarities.
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