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There is nothing that feels good about being rejected.
As a writer, I am subject to lots of rejection and criticism. I write what I may think is brilliant and submit it to editors who decide if it is in line with what they want to publish. And, even when it is published, I still have to deal with the stinging comments of the public as they evaluate my thought process.
I would love to say that I am above it and I have faced so much rejection that it doesn’t bother me anymore. That’s not true at all. It still hurts. It can be soul-crushing at times.
The only difference is, I don’t let it stop me or define me. My attitude towards rejection has been cultivated over time and many, many rejection letters.
There is Real Pain in Rejection
According to Psychology Today, we experience rejection with the same neural pathways as we would if we felt physical pain. They found that the same areas of the brain light up for rejection as with physical pain while in an MRI scan.
It makes sense why we would want to avoid rejection in the same way we want to avoid stubbing our toe. It’s painful.
There was also a time in evolution where rejection from the tribe would mean certain death. A person alone had no means to take care of all their needs so it was essential to remain a part of the tribe.
While we are able to care for our own needs now, we still experience that evolutionary fear when we face rejection. It triggers that fear of dying alone.
With social media, our tribe has grown much larger and the crippling effects of being ostracized are broadcast to a wider audience.
The Illusions of Rejection
In addition to the physical pain of rejection, it can bruise the ego and stir up self-doubt and insecurities. Rejection from a crush or a job you were sure you would get, can launch you into a shame spiral of cataloging your faults.
The ego wants to blame someone and we tend to turn it inward trying to find a reason for the rejection. It seems logical there has to be something wrong with us if we weren’t chosen. This is damaging and unhelpful in dealing with the rejection.
There could be a kernel of truth and, perhaps, there is something you can refine about yourself to lessen the possibility of future rejection. Or, maybe there is something you can learn to better position yourself. But, it is more likely that there was nothing wrong with you that led to your rejection.
Handling Rejection
The biggest challenge in handling rejection is how you view rejection. If the keys to your validation are in the hands of the person or thing you desire, then rejection can crush you. It is becoming scary to reject a man or woman in this dating climate because some people retaliate as if it is personal.
Despite How it Feels, It’s Not Personal
Your ego will convince you that this person looked at all that you are, in totality, and all that you have to offer and then decided you are not worthy. But, that’s not what actually happened.
The person looked through their own filter of experiences, needs, and insecurities at a fraction of you that was presented to them. Then, they assessed that fraction against their own needs, goals, and lessons, and made what they think is the best decision for them.
They may have made a good decision for themselves. Or, they may have made a terrible decision. But, that doesn’t really have anything to do with you. They are not an authority in your potential or capabilities. Their view of you is limited.
Instead of cataloging all the reasons they had to not choose you, assume they had their reasons for what they did choose and, perhaps, you just weren’t a match.
Do you really want to be where you don’t fit? How does that benefit you?
Rejection as a Benefit
I have worked as a Career Counselor and the job search process can be brutal. It involves rejection in every step of the process. Your resume is rejected without anyone ever seeing or talking to you. You can be rejected after the initial interview. Or, you can go through the whole process of several interviews and still not be the person they hire.
I sat with someone and she told me how she went through the whole process and the manager seemed to be assuring her that she had the job. They chose someone else and it left her feeling insecure. She was wondering what she said that made them choose the other person.
I assured her that it probably wasn’t any one thing she said. They had an idea in their mind of what they needed for the job and maybe that other person just fit that image better.
As we talked through it more, she revealed that something felt off to her about the job. She got a strange feeling about it by the questions they asked her. I told her maybe they saved her from a job she wouldn’t like by not choosing her. And when she thought more about it, she agreed.
Sometimes, the reason you are rejected isn’t that you aren’t worthy, but because the thing you are pursuing isn’t for you or won’t benefit you the way you think it will. We get caught up in the pursuit and forget to ask if it will benefit us.
I can think of countless examples of things I thought I had to have that I look back now and I am so glad they didn’t work out. Some I look at and think, what was wrong with me that I even wanted it in the first place? But, I was in a different mindset when I was chasing that thing.
Sometimes, the rejection is the blessing.
Fear of Rejection is Worse Than Rejection
Throughout our life, we will face many situations where we could experience varying levels of rejection. The pain of rejection should be acknowledged and soothed, but what is most important is how you recover.
People who don’t recover from the rejection they experience in life become fearful and that either shows up as being really bitter or avoiding anything that can lead to rejection. It all ends up looking like emotional shutdown.
The fabric of life is full of challenges. At every change, we have to face the unknown and the unknown is where we don’t know if we will meet rejection. If you can reframe it as either a teacher, a sign, or proof that you may have been settling—and you can turn that pain into a positive.
Rejection means what you tell yourself it means. Choose the meaning that makes you a better you and take the opportunity to grow.
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Photo credit: Parker Whitson on Unsplash