Dear parent,
One day, your child will slam the door and ask you to leave.
Today, you’re the one who feels like slamming the door and asking to be alone.
Despite what you desperately need and what everyone is telling you, your small children can’t play independently for long stretches of time, yet.
Could everyone be wrong?
Is it something wrong with your children for not being able to play alone?
I’m going to tell you something that will ease your mind a little bit.
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It Takes a Village To Keep a Child Busy
We made a mistake with the nuclear family.
We used to have a village for raising our children. And no child was playing alone in that village.
Now that we’ve lost the village, we keep demanding for things to happen like back in the day.
And that’s not even the only problem.
We don’t just want it like it was. We also don’t recall too well how it was.
There used to be children playing together. Adults watching them. And other adults doing the work for the children who were playing and the adults who were watching.
Now, we’re left with adults who need to do the work and care for the children. And children who don’t want to play by themselves. Go figure.
Children never wanted to play alone and never had to.
Fast forward to today, you can’t ignore your chores. And can’t ignore your children. You have no villagers to rely on, either.
Can you spend time and money just to take the kids somewhere while you adult?
Should you just plop them in front of the TV for hours?
This is where the parenting specialists step in, promising the solution that will save your sanity — independent play.
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Independent play is the greatest gift you can give to your children, they say.
You know, you should really get them to play alone already, they say.
You know, you can’t just keep telling me that! is what you should be shouting back at them.
Children always had companionship throughout our evolution as a species. They never played alone.
Why do we expect them to play alone now that we are home alone with them?
Oh, they will play alone, one day.
But let’s be clear about what it takes to make them play alone, shall we?
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The Surprising Element Children Need so They Can Play Alone
Letting small children by themselves isn’t how you make them play alone.
It just doesn’t work that way.
You go ahead and try. They’ll do a million things but play alone.
Contrary to the general belief, children learn how to play alone by playing with others first.
You spend time with them and support them to discover the world around them. Sometimes you take them to playgrounds and play groups. You let them watch other children playing. And slowly, you create opportunities for them to observe others playing.
It takes some form of observation for a child to have play initiative.
Children learn through imitation. Their learning is play. Their play is some form of imitation.
They see a helicopter flying in the sky and then they’ll take their helicopter toy and make it fly around the house.
They see two children playing with swords at the park and then they’ll come to smack you with their own sword at home.
Yes, one day they might come up with the idea of making the helicopter swim. Or use the sword to grab a meatball from the plate.
But somewhere, someone showed them what all these toys are doing before they ventured on more than licking them.
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Spending time with them will eventually allow them to feel safe and confident enough to play alone. The same will do exposing them to different playful environments.
But learning how to play independently starts as a group activity.
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Independent Play Is Child-Specific
Your child is unique, and so is their play.
Just because others play by themselves at the same age doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with yours for not doing it yet.
The way a child plays is strongly influenced by their temperament.
Also, play evolves in stages.
It starts with a few minutes of staring at their wobbly hands — that’s play for a baby. And it takes years to get to hours of independent play — that’s play for a 4–6-year-old.
There are actually six stages of play.
Depending on the child’s age, play can mean:
- Kicking their legs up in the air
- Watching others play without interfering
- Playing next to another child while ignoring them altogether
- Cooperative play, where they share a common goal and do things together
What begins as self-discovery evolves into discovering the surroundings and culminates with discovering their peers and the joys of cooperative play.
To get to enjoy self-directed play, children need a mix of:
- Time spent with someone they love
- Time spent playing with a loving adult
- Time spent alone in the proximity of that loving adult
- Time spent watching other children playing without feeling pressured to join them in any way
- Time spent playing with other children in a safe environment
- Time spent alone, at home, where they imitate and innovate from what they’ve learned in their previous group play experiences
Each child has their own way and rhythm of making it to the ultimate stage of self-directed play. The stage where they are completely in charge and no adult’s presence is necessary.
Yes, the foundation of a child’s development through play can start when they’re only a few months old.
But that’s just the start.
How soon a child will choose confidently what to play and come up with their own rules for how the play should unfold?
That’s a milestone that varies greatly. It varies from one child to another, from one family to another, and from one upbringing setting to another.
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The Story We Keep Hearing From the Experts Sitting on the Side
Why is it that everyone insists on making self-directed play the norm?
Because it’s what parents desperately need.
Sure, a child can grow immensely through independent play.
Yet the tendency to get them to play solo unrealistically early is mostly due to the parent’s need for some time to breathe.
Unfortunately, self-directed play is pretty much like self-soothing and getting back to sleep without an adult’s intervention.
They’re both skills children will get to master at the right time.
Parenting specialists happen to be service providers and coaches for overwhelmed parents.
Again, much like some sleep consultants, they’ll sometimes tell the parents what they need to hear. Encourage them to follow approaches that may work at the surface but cause some fractures underneath.
Forcing children to play independently when they’re not ready for it?
You could do it, but know it can damage the relationship in many ways. And it will only contribute to increased frustration.
The more we encourage parents to have false expectations regarding how much and when exactly can a child play by themselves, the more we will be forcing children to play alone.
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Does This Mean We Must Entertain Children Every Second?
If small kids can’t play alone, are we supposed to entertain them around the clock?
No.
We’re just supposed to understand that they need our presence, not necessarily our direct implication in everything they do.
Solitary play is something that children are naturally inclined to experiment with, the moment their cup is overflowing.
When they’re rested and fed and loved, with their need for connection satisfied, they’ll move on to satisfying their other needs for autonomy and competence.
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Children need self-directed play. With our love, guidance, and patience, they’ll get to it.
Parents mustn’t stimulate their tots with fancy activities every waking moment.
Understanding the difference between entertaining a child and just being close to them is crucial.
Therefore, the road to independent play is paved with opportunities for children to get lost in activities they enjoy, in the proximity of the people they love.
That’s what children want, to have us close.
And while it may feel like an eternity, it won’t be long before they’ll no longer need us to be that close.
“Sometimes you don’t know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.” — Dr. Seuss
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com