You can have compassion for yourself and your abuser, just don’t get trapped into a lifetime of victimhood.
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I have been tuning in to what the virtual zeitgeist has to say lately about emotional abuse and I’m concerned that emotional abuse, especially the abusers, are being portrayed in a way that is far too black and white.
In actuality emotional abuse isn’t black and white at all, which is why it can be so difficult to spot when you are in the intense attraction phase of a relationship, and why it can be so difficult to extract yourself from once you are already entrenched in the relationship.
I know both professionally and personally about emotional abusers. Emotional abusers are foremost two things: human and hurting. While I am not condoning emotional abuse, I think demonizing emotional abusers does not bring anyone closer to understanding or healing— neither the abusers nor the victims.
This doesn’t mean the abuse is okay by any means, but when we paint them as contriving, manipulative masterminds, it doesn’t engender true understanding.
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Emotional abusers are not usually aware that they are being emotionally abusive. Very few of them are like the Wizard of Oz, sitting behind a mental curtain orchestrating how they will hurt their victim. Their behavior happens as an organic reaction to feeling threatened— usually the operative threat is that they will lose their partner. This doesn’t mean the abuse is okay by any means, but when we paint them as contriving, manipulative masterminds, it doesn’t engender true understanding. They are fearful and hurting, they don’t know where the hurt comes from or how long it’s been there, and they want it mirrored. They want to see it outside themselves so that they don’t have to feel it inside themselves. It doesn’t actually work, the hurt does not leave in this manner, but it is the soul’s misguided attempt to eradicate itself from a demon, so to speak.
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Emotional abuse is deceptive in that it is often gradual and reflexive in nature. Abusers start small. Just like we all give “trust tests” early in a relationship to determine if a potential partner is really going to be there for us (a term coined by the modern couplehood and relationship guru John Gottman) emotional abusers give what I think of as “abuse tests,” to see if you are going to stick through the damage they cause. They start small and see how much you will take. They learn how much you can bear and push just over that threshold until next time, when they push a little farther.
While I believe most people on earth are deserving of compassion and love, that doesn’t mean that an emotional abuser is deserving of intimate love when he or she feels a compulsion hurt the person who delivers it.
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But by “reflexive” I mean that they are actually reacting to their own pain and trying to direct the pain they feel inside themselves— the distrust, anxiety, and discomfort of being intimate with someone — outward, which ends up causing them more pain. It creates for them a self-fulfilling prophecy, some deep part of them feels worthless and so they attempt to make you feel worthless too, almost ensuring that intimacy will be destroyed and they will continue to feel worthless. The dangerous part of this for the partner of an emotional abuser is that you too end up feeling worthless, or worse, believing you are worthless. While I believe most people on earth are deserving of compassion and love, that doesn’t mean that an emotional abuser is deserving of intimate love when he or she feels a compulsion hurt the person who delivers it.
An emotionally abusive relationship does not change in all the ways the victim tricks herself or himself into thinking it will change. It does not change because their partner finally sees how much hurt they’re causing, it does not change because through test after test trust finally develops, it does not change because the abuser finally realizes this partner is not like partners from the past and this time is going to be different. The primary way it changes is that one person exits, and the emotional abuser goes on to abuse another victim. The secondary way it changes is that the emotional abuser has such a string of failed relationships that they have a stroke of insight, decide they truly desire to be different, and seek help— but this is rare. It’s rare because emotional abuse often comes from people with disorganized attachment, mental health issues, or personality disorders. Insight is not very common in the last category of these.
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Emotional abusers come from all walks of life— all socioeconomic statuses, genders, and sexual persuasions. They are humans and, as humans, lovable, and that is why you might find yourself in a relationship, or even in love with, someone who is emotionally abusive. They are complex people and will have utterly adorable and worthy qualities, just like the rest of us.
The worst part of being in an emotionally abusive relationship is that your intuition gets thrown out of whack and you stop trusting yourself. Through a technique called “gas lighting” abusers can make you question if you aren’t really the abuser, or if this isn’t all some exaggerated reality you created. You, as the victim of emotional abuse, can wonder if maybe you are crazy, because you are internalizing what your abuser is saying about you. If, while in a relationship, you cycle through wondering which one of you is crazy, or who is hurting who more, it is time to step away. You may need help to do it. Starting with even a weekend alone can shine a light on what a healthier version of yourself looks like. It is far better to go it alone than to learn to tolerate, and become habituated to, emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse isn’t black and white, and it’s easy to get caught in the gray areas.
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What, specifically, does emotional abuse look like? It can look like name calling but it is often far worse. Emotional abusers have an uncanny ability for taking note of our vulnerabilities, our tender places and the shame we carry. They have an excellent radar for shame because they often carry so much of it themselves. So emotional abuse often looks like we are being shown our own worst flaw under a giant magnifying glass. Blaming and shaming are the name of the game in emotional abuse. If the abuser is skilled at it and the victim isn’t trained to spot it, the victim will probably find himself believing and owning and being made small from the accusations.
The worst thing to tell a friend seemingly stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship is that it “is not love.” Who gets to say what is and is not love? Love is completely personal. If love is abusive for someone, that is their own journey to walk and pit to mine, but it is not anyone else’s to name. If the love you find yourself in is emotionally abusive, it is important to recognize the thinking traps we lay for ourselves. “She will change when….” (fill in the blank with “he starts to trust me/I commit to her/I take her on that trip/I marry her/I have babies with him, etc.) It is a hard long road to go down because chances are your abuser will not change.
Emotional abuse isn’t black and white, and it’s easy to get caught in the gray areas. The jewel in it for you, the victim, is to understand the pull. Don’t worry too much that you were somehow lured by the abuse. It is easy to feel guilty about that. Understand the good qualities your relationship had or has, and how strong they pull you. Realize that those are the qualities you need to look for in the next best thing, without the abuse, because the abuse is not going to change.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock