I used to feel ambivalent about being child free. I had always assumed that, at some point, I’d have children. But that didn’t happen.
First there was economic reality. When I first got married, we still had student loan debt to pay off. Then he was starting a new job and we moved. Then I got cancer.
The cancer was really the big one. It was a really aggressive variety, and though I am in remission and doing well, still, there is always the chance it will come back. Would it be fair to bring a child into the world, knowing that there is a far greater chance the child will lose its mother young?
I thought that was the right decision.
That didn’t mean it wasn’t hard. Babies are adorable. And I love interacting with children.
Or I thought I did.
The last few years have taught me that, maybe, its been better for me that I’m child free.
You see, several of my friends have young children. And I’ve been teaching art classes to children.
What I have always known — children love me, and I love them. When I teach my art classes, when they see me, their eyes light up. They are happy to be with me. And I am happy to be with them.
But, after about 2 hours, I am also happy to send them home.
Children are exhausting.
Most recently, I visited a friend I had not seen in 20 years. She now has a 4 year old son. He is a very cute child. But I got to experience, for a few days, what it’s like to have a very cute child around 24/7.
Even though she did all the work, I was exhausted. I couldn’t believe how much noise a little one can make. How easily they throw a temper tantrum.
The messiness, the insistence on listening to the same silly kid’s song over and over and over and over… the total focus they require.
I know that parents adore their children. My friend told me how happy her son made her, and I believe it. She is an awesome mother. She is patient and kind.
I know that having your child hug you and say “I love you” is an incredible experience that I will never have.
I used to envy that. But now I’ve seen what it costs.
Yes, it is worth it for parents. But for those of us who are not parents, either through choice or circumstance… there are compensations.
For example, having quiet space to think or read or be creative. Being able to go for a walk without constantly stopping for a lagging child. Having the freedom to plan your day without constant adjustments for what the child needs. Or not planning your day at all.
Having adult conversations. Listening to music I enjoy. Not having to carry a bag filled with snacks and other parapharnalia for the child.
There are also the economic realities… having children is expensive. Particularly if you want to be a decent parent. I mean, I spend extra to get the best cat and dog food for my pets. Of course I would do that for my child. Plus things like doctor’s visits, braces if needed, summer camp… and then college.
I know it is immensely rewarding to have a child. But it is also immensely rewarding to be child-free.
I think I am getting the best of both worlds. Through my art classes and through my friends, I get to regularly “borrow” children. It’s fun. I enjoy my time with them immensely. And then, when they are starting to get tired and whiny…. I get to give them back.
I am happy to be child-free.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: istockphoto