and why the two can never be one…
Have you ever dreamt of a relationship that lasts forever? Most of us have. Or one that encourages our hopes and dreams as if they are the other person’s own. A person who is full on integrity and empty on their need for you and you alone. Someone who picks us up from work, drops the kids off to school and bakes the most delicious pan fried pizza.
The answer, if I was to guess, is a resounding yes.
Unspoken amongst these wishes is a desire to calibrate our hunt so perfectly so as to land the perfect mate. This of course, starts with the premise that no one is perfect. No one is perfect. We get that. Yet, as a modern woman I cannot help but wonder why we still try to impose our gender on our counterparts. On top of the false expectation of perfection, we expect the men in our lives to process things like us. Or maybe it’s just me. But I know I am not alone.
We often grow up as Princesses and Daddy’s Little Girls. So when faced with a real, adult relationship, our very Psyche fights to protect our precious little mental fortress built up entirely of Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice. I myself, am lucky enough to have a partner who is compatible in my values of Work Ethic, Good Humour, Loyalty, Honesty and having tremendous reservoirs of mental and physical strength based on connection to our God and divine source. He even checks off all my boxes of superficialities; Working for a Fortune 500 Company, Good Looks, A Good Concern With His Physical Health, Parents Who Are Still Married, A Resume That Runs Past Page 3 and last but not least, an Ivy League Education. We are fit to converse for hours, mostly him talking and me soaking in his knowledge. I’ve even made peace with the fact that he might make more than me in the future. Even as we progress, albeit a bit slowly, to put even more Ducks in Row.
Except, lurking in the shadows of this connection is a yearning for trying to also be more alike. Some call in Co-Dependency. Others call it Control. In my opinion, it is a Chasm where our Gender stops and Curiosity begins. Of course, having a male counterpart is not the same as having a female best friend. However, I still consider him my best friend. Due to biology, not much has changed. Even in this day and age, I could never expect, neither have I found a woman who cares for me the way he does. Nor will I be able to.
It’s Biology: both female and male biology. His biology triggers his desire to offer me deep protection and provision. And he is damn good at it. Meanwhile, a woman’s biology is to compete to the very finish with her female counterparts. It is not exactly the most protective relationship where you both have the same core motivations. This biology has stemmed vast amounts of literature on Male and Female Dynamics. As females, we are damn scared of this Chasm.
I can’t turn my Male partner into a Female. I can’t close the chasm. It’s a scary thought, because I am afraid of the unknown. The Chasm leaves room for misinterpretation, hurt feelings and disappointments. And since when did we become people who feel comfortable disappointing others?
The Chasm is where the Magic Happens.
The Chasm is where Appreciation, Honesty and Excitement lies. It’s the place where your partner can surprise you the most. It’s the place you can recognize their humanity in the face of all their extra human love and support. It’s also the same place I am working to cross, albeit one step at a time.
The Chasm is the Twilight Zone.
Here, you find all the source of wonder that drew you to them in the first place. Although Men are From Mars, and Women are from Venus, this Chasm is a docking station on planet earth. A place to go all Armageddon on them. Or just to simply accept the fact that no matter what, they are still your best friend. ❤❤❤
The Chasm is also a place for unconditional acceptance, towards a person who has surpassed everything you never got from your female friendships. There is no doubt that such an acceptance ultimately has no choice but to transform into unconditional love.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love,” a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: istockphoto.com