There is a secret to getting through a rough patch with your partner.
Whether it is a disagreement, an argument, or a breakup, one thing reigns true. You have to hit the reset button and forget everything you know.
That does not mean you are turning a blind eye and sweeping issues under the rug.
What it means is that what you were doing needed to be fixed. It is that simple.
The elements that go into a relationship are as long as a dictionary, but one is superior to all; your attachment style.
I show how each attachment style appears in relationships, displays behaviors, and intertwines with others.
What about when s*it hits the fan, and now you have a relationship to repair?
It can be hard when you are working with someone that does not have a secure attachment style.
Don’t lose hope. It just means that recognizing the elements to focus on is more defined. Let’s focus on the fearful-avoidant.
…
Don’t chase
The reality of dealing with a fearful avoidant is that they approach relationships with a foot out the door.
It is not personal to you, but it is their safeguard against being hurt.
It takes time to build trust with them. If you lose it, it will take time to regain it.
The worst thing you can do to regain their trust is to chase after them.
Think about it like this. You’re a dog (not actually), and you just bit your partner. Does it make sense for you to chase after them or to let them approach you as they feel comfortable getting closer?
I am not telling you to ignore them and ghost them, but I am telling you to create a safe space for trust to come back.
Losing their trust comes in multiple forms. They can become closed off and less emotionally available. They can seem uncomfortable and awkward in your presence. They can become cold.
They want to trust, but when lost, time is the only thing you can rely on to regain it. Your words are not going to stitch the wound.
…
Hot and cold
The next piece will be hard to deal with, but you have to make sure you have the correct response.
Since your partner will resist diving back into normality with you, they will be hot and cold.
Some days they will be responsive, and some days they can do a 180 and want their space.
You have to stop matching the energy they are directing toward you.
When they are hot, do not jump in and give them everything they want.
Do not become angry and bitter in your response if they are cold.
Responding with the same energy they are directing toward you will make them unsure about their feelings.
Guess what will happen as a result? They will run.
Instead, stay level-headed in both scenarios and ask for feedback on their feelings.
Avoid loading these conversations by rehashing what went wrong. Again, we are not sweeping it under the rug, but we’re letting time and space take their course.
…
Communication
We all knew this was coming. You have to reformulate how you communicate with your fearful avoidant partner.
Since fearful avoidants are confused about their feelings, they can be hard to communicate.
Have you ever gotten into a discussion with your fearful avoidant partner, and by the end, you’re so far off the original topic that you didn’t attack the issue?
It takes time for your partner to get to the root of their feelings. I suggest using the emotion wheel.
A fearful avoidant needs to work through their feelings and cover every detail of a story or issue, or it will feel unresolved in their mind.
It is why you have had disputes that last hours and days.
When you talk with your partner, keep digging until everything is on the table. Even when it feels like they have said everything they wanted to get out, keep opening the space.
Make sure you are not pressuring them, however. They are private people and need to feel comfortable as they release.
…
Confirmation
The last step is pretty simple. Be the person that you always were.
The hardest part about getting into a tiff with someone without a secure attachment style is that it is harder to rebound from simple arguments.
What happens is that an argument becomes rooted in triggers rather than the simple issue at hand.
Know your fearful avoidant partner’s triggers, and address them in resolving your conflict.
A fearful avoidant wants to be seen and recognized.
…
I want to make sure to note that we are not pandering to the needs of your partner.
You have your own needs via your attachment style as well.
What we are doing is recognizing how our partner operates as they grow and learn to transition into a secure attachment style.
We also recognize how it combats our attachment style.
It is about growth and connection for both of you.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: lucas Favre on Unsplash