In today’s world, women are often encouraged to work hard for themselves and not to depend on men. The narrative has greatly shifted from what our mothers and grandmothers grew up being told- women belong in the kitchen, bare foot and pregnant. Feminism has almost made it an abomination to be a woman that wants a man to do everything for her.
But, while the narrative has shifted for women has it shifted for men? This is the question that baffles me and has often led me to have heated debates with a large number of my male friends and colleagues. As a woman, I thought that men desired independent women, women that want but don’t need them, women that are partners in the very sense of the word. But over the last few months, I have started to realize that this may not be the case, and as long as there is no clarity on the issue the quest for love shall be long and hard.
I need to preface this article by clarifying my stance on love. I do believe that there is someone for everyone, even for the boss babe. I think love involves compromises and a desire to see the other person happy and fulfilled. It’s about cheering the other person and being in their corner even when you don’t particularly want to.
Most importantly, I don’t think that a relationship based on one party significantly altering who they are intrinsically to mold into what is deemed lovable by the other party works. As an individual, you can only pretend for a limited period and once the facade unravels, so does the relationship.
Women shouldn’t have to stop pursuing greatness just to appease men. “Who hurt me?” you might be wondering. But, that’s a story for another day. Furthermore, I’m just an ordinary girl navigating the world of relationships, I’m no expert so this article is just me sharing my thoughts with the world — well whoever finds themselves reading this.
Men don’t want to date intelligent women
In late 2015, a study was conducted and published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The study revealed that men were not interested in dating women who were smarter than they were. This is despite over 80% of men listing intelligence as a dating requirement on their online dating profiles. In a nutshell, men want women who are ambitious, but not too ambitious, smart but not smarter than them. It’s a balancing act that women are expected to perfect but it’s nearly impossible.
At this point like me, you may be wondering why this is the case. Well, at the very basic level men are inherently leaders, providers, and protectors. Successful and intelligent women may be seen as a challenge to that status quo.
When men are unable to be the protector, provider, or lead it seems as though their worth as individuals diminishes. This is why the term fragile masculinity exists. Men want to feel wanted and needed.
Although I am tempted to make this article about how terrible men are for not wanting to be with independent, successful women, I have to look at the flip side of the argument. Is there anything about successful, strong, and independent women that makes them harder to love?
I think independent women find it hard to be vulnerable. We are conditioned to have it together and often rely on our partners for very little or nothing at all. Personally, I have also realized that although I consider myself intelligent and ambitious, I long to be the “kept woman”, I want to not have to worry about everything. I like having someone being there for me and taking care of me.
However, I have a fear of being let down. I think many ambitious women have this trait. We excel so much because we depend on ourselves and don’t have the luxury of letting someone else do things for us, relationships are hard because they involve an element of surrender to another person.
Despite acknowledging my flaws I do not think that being less independent, successful, and ambitious is the key to a great relationship. I didn’t work this hard to be who I am only to dumb myself dumb for a man. I think the answer lies more in working on being more open to the idea of. being loved wholly and trusting someone else to have my back completely.
Given that we are accustomed to woman slander on the internet, this piece would not be complete without a little male slander. It’s not really slander, just a few pearls of wisdom for men who might stumble upon this article — independent women are not the problem, sometimes it’s important to self-evaluate. This may mean acknowledging one’s own toxic traits such as fragile masculinity or just plain misogyny and taking active steps to grow and change as a person.
. . .
Ultimately I don’t think a woman’s independence has a dark side for the right man. Relationships should be grounded in love, support, and understanding. Although, I have heard the phrase “no woman wants to marry a CEO”, I think that this is not true for all men. I am inspired when I see men like Barack Obama who nowadays refers to himself as Michelle’s husband to allow her to shine. Being a couple is not a competition rather an opportunity to raise each other to ensure that as a whole you are better than when apart.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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