I have to let you in on something that does not get discussed enough when talking about attachment style.
You are generally a mix of multiple attachment styles, at some small percentage.
It gets even deeper than that.
Each attachment style pairs with different traits that people possess more or less of in their display.
It is not as surface level as saying, “I am a fearful avoidant.”
Attachment theory is more complex than that. While each attachment style shows a set of behaviors, our triggers cause us to exemplify different traits.
Remember, as you read on, we are not giving shame to the person who might have the fearful avoidant attachment.
The goal is to give awareness while someone is actively working on their attachment style.
It is also a good guide for the partner of a fearful-avoidant.
You will understand the root of behaviors you might be dealing with and the proper responses so you can grow with your partner on their journey.
You do not snap your fingers, recognize behaviors, and change overnight.
Your attachment style can take years to convert. You are unlearning behaviors and adjusting to understand a whole new set.
It takes time. Be patient.
Let’s begin with the fearful avoidants you might be dealing with.
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Hot potato
The first type of fearful avoidant is the most recognizable one.
That’s right, the hot and cold partner.
You might see swings in their behavior where it seems like they are all in one minute, then when something goes wrong, it all goes away.
You think that the person does not care about you or value the relationship and that you’re in together.
The masked piece is that this person has dealt with a lot of volatility in past relationships or ones they viewed in the early stages of life.
That is where the fear kicks in the avoidant.
At a base level, we all exhibit behaviors safeguarding against possibly getting hurt in a relationship.
The fearful-avoidant tactic is to be wary of what can go wrong.
How can you show someone that you’re wary? Take as long as possible to invest, and run at the first sign of danger.
The fearful-avoidant wants to trust and go all in, but the possibility of things going wrong and ending in pain is always on their mind.
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Give. Me. That
The second type of fearful avoidant is also pretty common, and you’ll recognize them during the beginning phases of a relationship.
Do you feel like you or your partner can try to have control over different pieces of your dynamic?
A fearful avoidant is not necessarily a control freak. That is not my point here.
Due to a lack of control in the past, fearful avoidants will try and have control over their surroundings so they can avoid the troubles that we spoke about in the last section.
Going from being single to joining a partnership can bring a sense of a loss of control because they aren’t working independently.
When they are in a relationship, it comes with the emotions and behaviors of another person.
You will see the fearful-avoidant try to control their entry into a partnership, not necessarily trying to control you.
The result: you feel like you are dealing with someone distant, with a foot out the door.
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The intern
Fearful avoidants operate on a mix of two sides that are opposite.
They have an anxious side, and they also have a dismissive side.
The dismissive side will cause them to shut down and internalize.
What you will see most often from this fearful avoidant is someone who will feel emotions but won’t let them out.
Unlike the dismissive-avoidant, the fearful-avoidant is well aware of how they feel.
You can almost see it on their face.
They will deeply feel emotion but suppress their need to express it to you.
Instead, they will push you away, even if you try to be present and bridge the communication gap.
The dismissive leaning, fearful-avoidant, exemplifies a trait that causes them the most detriment.
They take issues, give them more meaning, suppress their feelings about them, and push you away.
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Flip the coin
The other type is when the fearful-avoidant is leaning into the anxious side of the spectrum.
They can have the same problem of pushing people away, but it is not as intentional.
The anxious, fearful-avoidant wants to express and display their emotions.
They also strive for a deep connection. They can be very loving and care about their partner.
Then anxious thoughts kick into their mind.
Are they safe in the relationship? Are they ready for a relationship? Are they moving too fast? Does my partner love me?
A set of racing thoughts can cause them to move away from something they consciously know they want but subconsciously fear.
Unlike the internalizing fearful-avoidant, you see outbursts of emotion from the anxious ones.
The anxious side will cause them to go back and forth in their mind. So what does that leave you to feel? Pushed away and rejected.
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Hearing the four types of fearful avoidants doesn’t leave you feeling warm and loved inside if you are the partner in the dynamic.
Remember, we are taking the time to understand someone working on themselves and transitioning from these behaviors.
It is not 0 to 100. You will see positive change over time.
Be patient. Be present.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jakob Owens on Unsplash
