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I recently had a discussion with a very insightful woman about what she feels to be the four building blocks of any relationship – all of which must be in place for the relationship to work. I like to think of these as four quarters you would attempt to trade in for a dollar – without all four, you don’t get what you want.
Basic, simple, but essential. Without some sort of physical attraction, the relationship will not get far enough to meet any of the other criteria in the first place. There is not much to explain in this point, just the necessity to be attracted enough to someone to desire pursuing something more with them.
Or, the ‘zaa-zaa-zoo,’ as she calls it. Beyond just looking at someone and seeing physical attractiveness, is the deep desire for them we have as feelings increase. Anyone who has felt the deep yearning to be physically close to someone else understands this point.
This happens when you don’t realize you love this person because you are deeply attracted to him or her – but when you realize you are deeply attracted because you are in love. Without this intensity between two people, they will eventually become less physically (and emotionally) intimate with each other, and drift apart.
Chemistry is not just about physical attraction – it goes far beyond that into the realm of emotional connection. Chemistry is what makes you want to put effort in for someone. It makes you want to see them happy. It is the spark that links you together like two electrified magnets.
It is the ability to laugh together, to cry together, to feel together. And, most of all – the willingness to do so.
This may seem simple – but I feel that many people coast along in relationships for awhile before they really identify if their core values match up. If someone wants to raise children in the city, but their significant other wants to raise them in the country, this will cause conflict. If you want kids but the other person doesn’t, this will cause conflict. If you never picture yourself getting married but the person you’re with is ready to settle down, this will cause conflict.
Perhaps one of the most important aspects to two people moving forward together in life, is that they want to move in the same direction.
As the saying goes, timing is everything in life. But – this is even more true in relationships. It doesn’t matter how perfect you are for someone, how much work you have done on yourself, or how much you love him or her – none of it matters if they are not ready for you.
Timing is likely the most important key to a lasting relationship, and maybe also the most frustrating, because it cannot be controlled. You can’t change when someone comes into your life. You can’t change the phase that you or they are in when your paths cross. You can’t change the past you have chosen – no matter how much you wish the stars of the present were aligned better than they are. Timing is apathetic to your wants and needs. It just…is.
I have gone through many phases of life where I knew I wasn’t ready or willing to enter a relationship. Some people are ready at 20. Some are ready at 30. Some are ready, go through a life change, and need to work on becoming ready again. The bottom line is, if two people are not ready to be with each other – none of the other three quarters make a difference.
You will only have 75 cents. And 75 cents will never get you a dollar.
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Originally appeared on James M. Sama’s blog.
Photo: Flickr/John Hope