When I developed a website after the publication of my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man, in 1983, my son, Aaron, told me the only sites that were making any money on the internet were those offering pornography. When my second book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places: Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions, came out in 1988, we were just beginning to recognize that sex could be as addictive as cocaine. It soon became clear that our hunger for sex and love and our interest in the latest tech gadgets were coming together (no pun intended) in surprising ways.
A 2015 article asks, “Is Porn Addiction Really a Thing?” Gary Wilson answers with an emphatic “yes!” Wilson is a former anatomy and physiology teacher, and an expert in the neurochemistry of addiction, mating, and bonding. In his book, Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction, he says, “Overstimulated men report growing numb to life’s subtler pleasures, such as the charms of real partners. At the same time, they can be hypersensitive to the sexual stimuli their brains associated with ‘relief.’ For many, the pursuit of more stimulating materials becomes mandatory to relieve the misery of feeling as if some key ingredient of their happiness is missing—and it is. Brain changes have temporarily dimmed their capacity for enjoyment.”
In his famous TEDx talk, seen by more than 11 million viewers, Wilson says: “The widespread consumption of internet porn is one of the fastest moving global experiments ever conducted.” On his website, YourBrainonPorn.com, he offers factual information to help males understand the impact of virtual-reality sex on their lives.
For the first time in human history, we are seeing widespread erectile dysfunction in young men. This has never happened before. If we understood the nature of addiction and how the use of pornography can rewire the brain, we would be very concerned for our young men. And let’s be honest, pornography addiction is not just a problem for young males, it impacts men of all ages.
The good news is that, like all addictions, porn addiction can be treated effectively. But when porn is big business and sexuality, is a basic human need, you can bet that there will be newer and more effective ways to get people hooked.
Welcome to the Not So Brave World of Digisexuality
Until recently I had never heard of the term “digisexual.” A digisexual is a person who is sexually attracted to sexbots or other technologically-mediated forms of sexuality. Now we are seeing another level of sexual engagement between the high-tech world and our low-tech human brains. I have some real concerns about the impact on sex, love, and relationship. I’m counseling a number of men and their partners who feel that Internet porn is having a negative impact on their relationship and their lives. I fear the problems will get worse.
A recent New York Times article, titled “Do You Take This Robot,” began this way: When Akihiko Kondo, a 35-year-old school administrator in Tokyo, strolled down the aisle in a white tuxedo in November, his mother was not among the 40 well-wishers in attendance. For her, he said, “it was not something to celebrate.”
You might see why. The bride, a songstress with aquamarine twin tails named Hatsune Miku, is not only a world-famous recording artist who fills up arenas throughout Japan: She is also a hologram.Mr. Kondo insists the wedding was not a stunt, but a triumph of true love after years of feeling ostracized by real-life women for being an anime otaku, or geek. He considers himself a sexual minority facing discrimination.
Other stories I’ve found recently include the following:
- In 2016, a French woman got engaged to a 3D printed robot she designed.
- In 2017, a Chinese engineer also got married to a robot of his own making.
- A recent study showed that 40% of Americans would have sex with a robot.
- For the last several years in China, a Microsoft chat-bot program called “Xiaoice” has become a beloved virtual friend for millions of Chinese social media users who message “her” to share their hopes and fears.
Learning to find real lasting love with a human person isn’t easy. Most people who get lost in the world of digisexuality began thinking it was a harmless diversion. But I believe we need to help people, particularly guys, to resist the temptation to take shortcuts and learn the skills of achieving sex, love, and intimacy in the real world with real people.
I’ll be teaching a series of classes this year. If you’re interested in learning more, drop me an email and put “New Classes” in the subject line. As always, I appreciate your comments and questions below.
Originally published on Men Alive
***
What’s Next at The Good Men Project? Talk with others. Improve your relationships. Join our Love, Sex, Etc. Social Interest Group
RSVP for Love Sex Etc. Calls
Join the Sex, Love Etc. FACEBOOK GROUP here.
We think you’ll like our SOCIAL INTEREST GROUPS—WEEKLY PHONE CALLS to discuss, gain insights, build communities— and help solve some of the most difficult challenges the world has today. Calls are for Members Only (although you can join the first call for free). Not yet a member of The Good Men Project? Join now!
Join The Good Men Project Community
All levels get to view The Good Men Project site AD-FREE. The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission, and have a great ad-free viewing experience.
Register New Account
Please note: If you are already a writer/contributor at The Good Men Project, log in here before registering. (Request new password if needed).
◊♦◊
ANNUAL PLATINUM membership ($50 per year) includes:
1. AN ALL ACCESS PASS — Join ANY and ALL of our weekly calls, Social Interest Groups, classes, workshops and private Facebook groups. We have at least one group phone call or online class every day of the week.
2. See the website with no ads when logged in!
3. MEMBER commenting badge.
***
ANNUAL GOLD membership ($25 per year) includes all the benefits above — but only ONE Weekly Social Interest Group and ONE class.
***
ANNUAL BRONZE membership ($12 per year) is great if you are not ready to join the full conversation but want to support our mission anyway. You’ll still get a BRONZE commenting badge, and you can pop into any of our weekly Friday Calls with the Publisher when you have time (Friday calls only). This is for people who believe—like we do—that this conversation about men and changing roles and goodness in the 21st century is one of the most important conversations you can have today.
Need more information? Click here.
♦◊♦
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
What We Talk About When We Talk About Men
—
Image ID: 782303404