“Before he didn’t show up for her when she needed him most. Before he understood that being there for someone when it was most difficult is really all that relationships are.” – That Awkward Moment
I’ve almost always known that the way I feel loved is when I’m either receiving or giving gifts. I’m fanatical about my birthday.
I always joke about the parade that is supposed to happen to celebrate my special day. I’m known to give random gifts or pick up something while I’m out just because it reminded me of someone. It’s not about money, but showing I’m thought of or that I’m thinking of someone else.
But, I was rocked to my core when I read the “5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman.
A passage said: those whose love language is receiving gifts have an emotional need for the gift of presence or presence of self during a crisis.
What that means is when they are in the midst of a crisis, they need others to show up and be there for them. If they don’t receive it, they may not feel loved by that person, even despite all the other ways the person may feel they show love.
We love others the way we want to be loved and it made complete sense to me because I have often dropped everything and run to the side of a loved one when I heard they were going through something, especially if I believe they are alone.
I will sit with someone for hours. When one of my exes was in the hospital, I went to the hospital every day for a month and sat with him for hours until visiting hours were over. I was there for something like eight to ten hours on the weekends. I just don’t like people being alone during a tough time. I give my presence to show love. Time doesn’t matter.
I can also remember how I felt when people showed up unexpectedly for me. When my father died, my sister showed up at my house because she said she wanted to be with me when I heard the news. We have different fathers and it really touched my heart that she just needed to be there.
I will never forget it and I felt incredibly loved. My brother and boyfriend traveled to Texas with me and spent a week helping me handle all of my father’s affairs and held my hand during his memorial service. An ex sat with me in the hospital for hours after I had an asthma attack. He held me when I cried while my Mother was sick and after my Grandfather died. And, my best friend left a bouquet of flowers on my porch after we had talked the previous night and I told her I was having a really rough time.
During all these times, my heart was bursting with love because I knew they didn’t have to do it, but none of them wanted to see me going through it alone. People who show concern or care during a crisis are automatically endeared to my heart.
I have also experienced the reverse where I sat in the hospital by myself for hours alone waiting to be seen and had to find my own way home even though I was sick.
There is no more lonely feeling than that. I’ve been in the midst of some very scary moments and called someone for help only to be told they didn’t feel like trying to get to me. I’ve literally been left stranded. And, during those moments, I’ve never felt more unloved.
I didn’t realize that the emotional stakes were so high for me because I have a deep emotional need for that physical proof of love. I realize I started to shut down some time ago. I believed it was easier for me to love people if I didn’t give them an opportunity to disappoint me so I tried to stop needing them.
I think I was also carrying a lot of resentment because this need within me wasn’t being met. What I didn’t realize is when I shut off the valve to my deepest emotional need for love then I shut off the possibilities of feeling loved. I spent many years feeling alone and misunderstood.
Now, that I’m aware that this is something that is vital to me, I have been able to let people off the hook. I never communicated it to them because I wasn’t aware it was an expectation that I had.
But, now I know who I am. I am someone that if you want me to feel loved, you have to show up for me when I’m going through something I can’t handle and you need to be there as long as I need you. If you choose not to show up, you should understand that you will lose my trust and damage our relationship. It’s unacceptable to me now and I can set clear boundaries. I used to accuse myself of overthinking it or being overly dramatic.
And, I can also let people know if I show up to your event, if I’m always there to help you when you ask, or if I show up unexpectedly because you mentioned you were having a hard time; you should recognize that is me showing my love for you. I’m not there for the potato salad. And, I will feel unappreciated if you take it for granted and treat me as if I’m obligated.
If I send you a random gift, share some information related to a topic you casually mentioned or show great interest in, or I send you a text message to make sure you are okay, I am showing that I care.
Now, I understand that’s my way of loving and I can set my expectation and explain my needs to others. If you can find out what your deepest emotional need is, it will help you repair your relationships.
As long as you are unaware of it, you will feel like people are ignoring your needs. But, once you understand who you are and your specific needs, you will know when they are really being ignored or when you need to communicate them more effectively. If someone loves you, they will be relieved to know exactly what it takes to make you happy. And, for me, knowing that my way of loving is valid, is a relief to me after years of feeling unloved and alone.
“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” – Anon
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo: iStock
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